A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 532, 8 December 1928, Page 29

A JEST OR TWO

No Change. —Clara: “Dc you get your alimony regularly?” Marie: “No, I might just as well be living with him.” When the Music Starts. —“Ah! You should hear my dad play Bach!” “Gosh! You should hear my dad play golf!” * * * Vocal Exercise. —Jud Tunkins says you’ve got to admire a fighter; but too many folks imagine they are fighting when they are only quarreling. — “Washington Star.” * * * All Blown Up.— Applicant: “I want to apply for the job of bouncer.” Restaurant Ow*ner: “What makes you think you can bounce!” Applicant: “I was a rubber in a Turkish bath.” Poisoned Dagger.— "No doubt you will allow me to take my laundry with me,” said the haughty lodger who had been rather delinquent in his payments. "‘Certainly,” replied the landlady. “Your other collar is downstairs!" -If

Well-known Culprit. —Who remembers the days when father got all the blame for the ashes on the rug? ... Towering Intellect. —Professor: “In which of his battles was Alexander the Great killed?” Frosh: “I think it was his last.” * * * Getting Reckless. —Lindbergh has taken out an automobile drivers’ licence. And we had hoped he would continue to play safe by keeping to the air. Blunt Instrument. —Little Simpson: “He called me a liar, and, big as he was, I knocked him sprawling.” Wife: “With your fist?” Little Simpson: “No, with my car.” * * * Souvenir Hunter.— “ Mother, were your initials N.Z.R. before you were married ?” “No, dear. Why do you ask?” “Well, I just wondered. I see them on a lot of our towels.”

Worth the Money.—He: "I’m going to buy myself a harem.” It: “What do you mean? You can’t buy a harem, can you?” He: “Sure. I saw a sign at a gas station that said: ‘Six Gals for a dollar.’ ” * ? * Pneumonia Got Her.—What has become of the old-fashioned grandma who used to sit in the chimney corner knitting stockings for her grandchildren, or sewing quilt patches for the Ladies’ Aid, and who was never seen to wear anything but a bonnet and a Persian shawl? * * * Siren Song.—Coach (between halves): “Say, you, what’s the matter with you? Didn’t I tell you to kick over the side lines so their quarterback couldn’t run the ball back? I been tellin’ you that all week, but no—you gotta boot it straight down the field right into his arms,, you mushhead!” Punter: “Aw, listen, coach. I ain’t got a chance. I kicked the ball the way you said every time, but that old pigskin 'ud curve in, that’s all.” Coach: “Oh, I see—it wsis the wind, huh?” Punter: “No, it’s that quarter-back. Didn’t you hear him yell every time I kicked that damn pigskin? Don’t you know he’s the champion hog-caller in Iowa?”

Careful, Bill! —Mary: “Bill made a forward pass this afternoon.” * Ruth: “I told you that you’d have to \yatch those college boys, dearie.” * * * Getting Wise to His Job. —The Boss: “What—you a college graduate and you can’t get tickets for the big game? Say, what do you think you’re in this firm for?”

Punkin’ Preferred.— Possibly under television the lonely wife can lure the errant spouse home evenings by holding a banana cream pie in front of the transmitter.—“ Detroit News.” It would keep us down-town. — Boston Transcript.” 9 * * Popular Specifications. —The playwright, who is casting a new show, was discussing with a lady the difficulty of filling one particular part. “I want,” he said, “a young man who looks like Lindbergh, who is tall, blue-eyed, who has sex appeal, a sense of humour, and an air of distinction.” “So do I,” sighed the lady.

Ducking the Loud-speaker. —The man who toots his own horn soon has everybody dodging when he appears. Reckless Rendezvous. —“Will you join me in a bowl of soup?” “Do you think there’d be room for both of us?” *** . . Ker-Rop! —Smith: “It is not the cost of the car that worries the average motorist, but the upkeep.” Jones: “And sometimes the turnover.” * * * Excused. —lndignant Parent (6 a.m.): “Young man, what do you mean by bringing my daughter in at this hour?” Flaming Youth: “Well, I gotta be at work by 7.” * * * Dream of the Condemned.— Daughter: “He says he thinks I’m the nicest girl in town. Shall I ask him to call?” Mother: “No, dear, let him keep on thinking so.”

No Overhead. —Fizz: “They have no piano, no summer home, no fur coate, no victrola, no washing-machine, no automobiles, no radio —” Fuzz: “Gee, they must have money.” * 9 9 Why They Do It. —“ Backs of Paris gowns are cut unusually low this season. Will women defy criticism and wear them?” “Yes, women are showing more backbone every year.” * * * Haunted Headpiece.— The village relates the London “Chronicle,” had decided to form a cricket team and appointed their junior member honorary secretary. In due course the youngster appealed to the curate for support. This is how the letter ended: “And we should be very pleased, sir, if you would allow us the use of the bats which the choirmen say you have in the belfry.” * 9 9 Rent the Welkin.—A lady motorist whose car had swerved across a suburban street and crashed through a plate-glass window was being questioned by the local police sergeant after the accident. “Surely on such a wide street as this,” said the interrogator, “you could have done something to prevent this accident?” “I did,” the delinquent assured him quite earnestly; “I screamed as loud as I could!”

GATES AJAR Here lies till Gabriel’s trumpet peal The bones of Shelby Sharp. He dozed while holding a steering wheel And woke up holding a harp.

HARD TIMES She never e-ings the old, old songs She shrieked in days of yore; She never thumps the keyboard now Until her thumbs are sore. Alas! upon the latest grand She never more will play; She failed with the instalments, And they’ve taken it away.

FALLING ARCHES Under the hanging mistletoe, The homely co-ed stands, And stands, and stands, and stands, and stands, And stands, and stands, and stands.