Laughs

Southland Times, Issue 20897, 5 October 1929, Page 23

Laughs

NON-STOP. The very new motorist drove right on past a sign which said "Stop.” “Can’t you read?” the policeman called after him. “Yes,” replied the motorist, “but I can’t stop.” -—Cousin Jack Stewart. THE ECONOMIST. Mrs Jones: “Well Mrs Brown, you are getting on fine with your knitting.” Mrs Brown: “Yes I want to get it finished before the wool runs done.” —Cousin Ray Young. NOT TOO LONG. She: “How long were you engaged to Josephine?” He: “I don’t know, I forgot to look at my watch.” —Cousin Esther Parker. IT DIDN’T MATTER. He (after the theatre): “Helen do you know the difference between a taxi-cab and a tram?” She: “No I don’t.” He: “Well then, we’ll take the tram.” —Gousin Noreen Dicks. TRAGEDY. “What, you a Scotchman, and don’t play golf?” “Na, na! I used to play but gae it up 20 years ago.” “But why?” “Ah lost ma ball.” —Cousin Jean McKenzie. HE KNEW TOO MUCH. A merry company were assembled at a Christmas dinner table and all enjoyed the good things provided by the hostess. One of the guests in a jocular manner asked little Tom’my the son of the hostess where turkeys came from. “Dunno,” he answered, “but I can tell you where this one came from, (pointing to the one on the table). “Ma got it from a tramp for sixpence ’cause the man said he stole it. Didn’t he Ma?” —Cousin Elza Pierce. AN OUT SIZE. One day an Australian and an American were walking over an Australian farm. “What are those things,” said the American pointing to some sheep. “Why I thought they were rabbits,” he said when he was told? “Ours are twice as big.” They walked on and came to some kangaroos. “What are those things?” asked the American. “Grasshoppers” said the Australian “I’ll bet you can’t beat them in your country.” —Cousin Fred Emmett.

THE DIPLOMAT. Small Child (to man at door); "Me mother’s not in—Mum, it’s not the man you thought it was!” —Cousin Ray Young. THE MOST IMPORTANT. Teacher: “Tell me an important thing that was not here 100 years ago?” Peter: “Me, ma’am.” —Cousin Jean McKenzie. THAT WASN’T POLITE. The teacher was giving the-class a lecture on charity. “Willie,” he said, “If I saw a boy beating an ass and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?” Willie: "Brotherly love.” —Cousin Jean McKenzie. POOR FATHER! “Do you want me to help you with your homework to-night, Billy?” asked father. “Thanks, dad, but my teacher said, she would rather I got wrong by myself.” —Cousin Jean McKenzie. TONGUE TWISTERS. Tom Tye tried twice his tie to tie But, hugging too tight, tore the tie, Tom turned to Ted Tye And told Ted to try To tie the tie Tom tried to tie. —Cousin Jean McKenzie. THE DIFFERENCE. Tommy: “I say Jim, have you Red (read) Cheeks?” Jim: “No.” Tommy: “You have. You have them on your cheeks. Ha, Ha.” —Cousin Jean Murrell. COMMON NEWS. Micky Monk: “Have you heard the news Harry?” Harry Sprug: “No.” Micky Monk: “It’s all over the town. Harry Sprug: “What is it?” Micky Monk: “The sky.” —Cousin Jean Murrell. VERY CLEVER. The Key: “Everyone likes you, Miss Knob.” Miss Knob: “Why is that?” The Key: “Because you are a thing to adore (a door).” —Cousin Jean Murrell. A STRANGE DISH. Auntie: “Would you like a serviette, Bobby?” Bobby: “I really do not know, Auntie. I have not tasted one before, you see!” —Cousin Jean Murrell.