SHAUN'S PATCH

Southland Times, Issue 20225, 9 July 1927, Page 13 (Supplement)

SHAUN'S PATCH

I have had neuralgia so long it has grown old.

Does the council intend to add a wing to the Public Library to house the reports, letters and notes of evidence given in connection with the inquiries into the water question and those connected with it? ANANIASGRAMS.

Once upon a time there was a woman who admitted in her heart that Man was the superior being.

The effects of drink among young people are often staggering. ♦ * ♦ • I think it was Shakespeare who wrote “Who steals my purse steals trash,” but would any young girl include as trash the contents of hers containing as a minimum: A lipstick. A powder-puff. Mirror. ' Nail file. Used tram ticket. Lead pencil with the end chewed. Handkerchief. The key of the purse. Magazine clipping giving the address of some firm with a new face cream. Glove button. Some loose powder.

The turkey lives as a gobbler and ends with a gobbler. ♦ ♦ • • Some bright American lad has suggested the following distinctive stationary: For the Aviator—Fly paper - For the Sheik—Sand paper. For the Motorist—Carbon paper. For the Pugilist—Wrapping paper. For the Banker—Note paper. For the Suicide—Newspaper. For the Student—Copy paper. For the Undertaker—Crepe paper. For the Politician—Oil paper. May I add to the list: Works Committee reports: Watermarked paper. For the Customs Official: Bond paper. For the Draper: Linen paper. * * » » A LOVER IN PAIN. Ah, do not kiss me any more! Lady sweet, leave alone, Though you pity take on me, In compassion note my moan.

Not to kiss you is my loss— Forbidding you to kiss is weak; But my lips are dry and cracked, And I’ve neuralgia in my cheek. MINE OWN PEPYS. SATURDAY, July 2.—Up betimes this day and to gaze with a great pensiveness upon certain painting the which Mrs Shaun did bid me renew ere the winter be past. This day to remind me the winter of a surety to be flitting and no sign of anyone else essaying this task, the which do appear to promise much straining and a bending of the wrist to the accompaniment of fumes from the pigments. While gazing upon the aspect to ponder on derices for mine own escape, but ’twere impossible to engage a professional in that he will acquit himself so notably that no one could be convinced I had had a hand in the painting. There being no hope of escape from this my predicament, I thereupon, to resolve I shall apply myself to the purchase of certain pots of paints and to devote deep thought unto the proper manner of wielding the brush for the saving of the surface and thereby everything. This of weighty importance and the acquisition of the pots to commit me to nought more than the study of the problem thereanent. In the city meeting with one w’ho hath great experience with the painting of interiors and he declaring it were best to keep the brush plying upward and down and this with an easy graceful motion. To argue concerning this it were better to waggle the brush in divers directions that there may be deposited paint on all sides of the elevations and hollows of the surface, together with a great slapping of the brush as the experts do. On leaving him to resolve there may be no beginning until this matter in dispute hath been settled. Then to the Rugby Park and to behold a dour tussle with the Star and Blues and the result a draw, the which to surprise many people but not myself in that a horoscope cast in private by the family seer to divulge all as announced in my diary of the previous day. MONDAY, July 4.—Lay late this day until the telephone to ring and I thereupon to move in headlong flight, and in grave danger of tripping upon the trouserines thereof, to learn there do be at the other end a fellow who would tell me he hath seen one of my jokes and would acquaint me of the excellence of ite point. This compliment at the hour to find me in no fit mood for the exchange of compliments and thereupon I to speak huffishly to his consternation. It then to be necessary that I do return to my conch and to regain the heat lost in this bout before the telephone. In the evening to the playhouse where the amateurs do disport themselves in a play yclept “The Geisha” and they mighty pleasing to mine eye and ear, so that I do of a

surety believe there is a future for amateur operatics in this city and the usual crop of jealousies do not assail them, the which is the bane of many fine amateur organisations in this land and others n.o.e. This to seem a mighty happy family and the playing such as to astonish many including myself and this to the satisfaction of all.

TUESDAY, July s.—Awaked this day by such a din and hullaballoo as it hath not been my lot to hear since my grand uncle of great pomp and bulk did step on a door mat the which had not been firmly attached to the floor and the latter most slippery and eke hard as he did find. On rising in answer to this summons to learn from a startled citizen it hath been revealed the War Office will remove the 11th Battery from our midst, that it may be installed in Dunedin for the getting of greater economy and greater efficiency. He to say this were a sorry blow to our status and demonstrations of our anger to be made in divers places and manners. He to solicit mine aid and on learning this will cost me nought I to join right heartily and hoping there will be letters in the Press if there be room for them while the learned folk will determine whether we should swallow the whale which did swallow Jonah. This a matter of prime import and one which doth greatly concern me in that the removal of the guns will impair our status, the which to be of grave concern in military circles. To wonder if this to he a plan by which Dunedin would gain an advantage over us.

WEDNESDAY, July 6.—This day up early that I may read of the gallant doings by the aidermen in their consideration of the decision made by a section of the Works Committee concerning the Town Engineer and the engineer at the Waterworks. To learn a deputation of right worthy citizens be turned down and then forgotten by the Mayor, the Council not being permitted to hear them lest they do be influenced thereby. Thereupon the deputation to seat itself within the Aldermanic Coun- * cil Chamber and the Mayor so interested thereat he to miscount the voting so that he by the use of the casting vote would bring a motion to a tie. This strange, but to reveal the perturbation of the aidermen, but despite all they to act wisely in avoiding a decision, though they do elect to hold an ihquiry, the which to give but small hope of a sound finding. To learn there hath been summoned a special session of the Dee Street Parliament

for the discussion of these weighty matters and grave concern thereat. THURSDAY’, July 7.—Abroad early but to lose much time in that while I do shave myself, a miscue to inflict on me a wound, the which to bleed with profusion and nought to quench it, not even the most sweetly scented powders on Mrs Shaun’s toilet table, and she like to be mighty angry in the usage of these. Word brought to me by my scouting men that the Ix>rd Mayor hath decreed naught shall be divulged concerning the inquiry, until the vast array of notes taken down at the hearing do be transcribed, but reliable information that certain councillors who did purpose attending a dance or lodge function did attend arrayed in their evening regalia, and these most resplendent so that the witnesses and accused persons be highly perturbed lest they do order an execution, but all turned to smiles when the sitting of the in. quiry extending to midnight their wonted vestments wasted in that they may not attend their separate functions. This night to continue whai hath been a merry bout between my teeth and my dentist and he seeking to stop the aching, so perforce I must keep awake lest the lotions and oils he useth to effect their purpose and none to award him the palm of victory. FRIDAY, July B.—To the city and to learn of the mighty efforts against the morrow’s clash at the Rugby Park, to which I must attend despite all efforts of my dentist, lest I do miss the classic of the season. Both sides to devise wholly new plans and Jack Doig but recently in Wellington to have wondrous new schemes for the tactical board, so that the Stars as sure of themselves as the Pirates and none but myself able to prognosticate with certainty of the result. To visit my dentist and to crow over him mightily in that despite his efforts the ache in my teeth to elude him, though on consideration to marvel that I do crow in this seeing that it hath made me suffer more than himself, though his sympathy most touching. To inform him I do admire his persistency but if I do fall asleep this night it not through lack of interest in ye contest, but merely lack of slumber. He to give me new oils and further advice the which to sustain me until the morrow. At night to the Albion playhouse and there to see Mare Nostrum one of the finest of all pictures I have seen and the conclusion most beautiful so that for the nonce I do forget all else and revel in the wonder of the picture. And so to bed with my tooth or my neuralgia as contented as one may be under these circs.