SHAUN'S PATCH

Southland Times, Issue 20201, 11 June 1927, Page 13 (Supplement)

SHAUN'S PATCH

No news may be good news, but it is a bad newspaper. Well, thank Heavens and Wairarana, another invincible has gone down! ♦ * • » It looks as if someone should get into hot water over the tepid baths. * « * * Mussolini says a woman is only a parenthesis in a man’s life. But dash it all; if you come to the full point, she is more of a note of interrogation. ♦ * * * When you look at some of the modern punctuation you realise that some one should write a book about “The Lazy;” A special prize is to be offered shortly for someone who can find a new explanation of the failure of the Dairy Board’s price-fixing scheme. Driving him to drink: The taxi takes its fare to Wallacetown. T * * A FLAPPER’S DAY. Slippers. Slip out. Step-in. Slip-on. Step-out. « » • « FAMOUS LINES. To be or not to be. Clothes in bed. The dotted The and the Unicorn. The Thin Red Ine louch out. The Seaward Bush * * * * When the motor hogs take to the air, there will be hosannas from the ear.hworms that church spires have been made sharp. ♦ ♦ * » TO ONE WHO IS ABSENT. I have wealth in plenty, Comfort meets me ev’rywhere, Peace when I would have it, Storms to rouse the air. Costumes that will fit me According to my latest taste; For meat and drink I lack not, In fact I’ve some to waste. And yet this night is sorrow, And anguish nils my heart, I feel just Lke a mariner On some lone isle apart. Despite the wealth about me Contentment far has fled, For you, my baKer, haven’t called And left the daily bread. * * * • MINE OWN PEPYS. SATURDAY, June 4. —This day abroad eany ana to tne City where 1 did meet with divers burgesses and these an men oi feutu wdo ma akscuss with great seventy the recipes for reducing measurements oy means oi dietetics. And eacn oi mese to give testimony of tne adv am ages gained by his own method, but on wooing at all to be impressed by tneir substance, and to see Huie evidence of the efficacy of tneir scuemes. iney to reier ims matter to me saying they have heard 1 aid diet most auccessiuuy and with such sc.ence as natn not oeiore been seen in the English tongue. To this I to make ret ply in somore words declaring 1 had dieted with results that do outstrip anyunng heard of before or since, out that io oe with the past in that now 1 do eat right merrny and to increase in

substance that already do I feel my clothes tight about me, a most pernicious thing in that it may mean 1 shall perforce visit my tailor and have him puc in darts. In the afternoon to the jousting and Blues to bow to the Pirates, who did arise from siumber in the second spell and play as if possessed of many devils. This to my delight and also of the crowd but still I do fear me the horse-power were far greater than the skill and both could be brought to a common denominator. In the evening to Charley Gray’s studio for a concert and many mighty fine records including one by Mark Hambourg, who hath a work large enough to accommodate him withal, and so to bed at a late hour in large content, albeit I did affix my old coffee percolator so that it doth work as never before. This to my joy as the coffee is a gift from one who hath acquaintance of mine appetite. ONDAY, June 6.—Lay late this day read ing of Marcel Proust’s “Swann’s Way,” the which to seem to me the most leisurely novel I have plunged into and in the beginnings much talk of childish thoughts but in the voice and language of a grown man, the which did annoy me as inartistic. And so to rise hurriedly so that my feet be caught in the sheet and myself to discover the world to be a very hard place. Thereupon to my bath and in shaving to find my brush most assuredly stiff. On invest i-

gauon to discover that during my singing I did unawares and without thought dip the aforesaid brush into a pot of melting gum and my whiskers like to stick to me for aye. This to give me concern so that I to the hot water and such a scrubbing as never was and none to blame but mine own carelessness, so that I to deem it discreet to keep this matter a close secret as did mine Uncle Joshua on discovering at the dance he hath rent his breeks. In the City to dine at a restaurant and to note they do demand the fee before the food be consumed. While there a fellow citizen, of rare courage, to refuse this injustice, saying he will eat afore paying in that he may die before the meal is through and then evermore at a loss. To admire his bravery, but to note that none dare copy him, so apparent is it that men do be slaves to their stomachs. TUESDAY, June 7.—Up betimes and to lisi ten to Maori records, tne wnicn to con- > vince me that no European may imitate the inaori music wim success, out tnat these recordings to put the gramopnone higner in nunc estimate as an instrument, of great value to the community In the. city there to meet with one who hath been listening to the discussion on reducing buiK and he to explain he to need weight, but he playing m an orchestra ana whene’er it to go out of tune he to sutler. Thereupon to tell him he must change his band and awj to tell me titie that I may avoid them, tor not to be as sleek as the champion village sheik wouid 1 so torture myself. WEDNESDAY, June 8. —This day word that the University Stuoems md enjoy their lour, tnouga me nnauciai resuus not equal to tneir prospects and this due to me popuiace not ns>ng to unuergrad humour, but assurances given mat many exciting moments, mciuumg the imminent loss oi me musicK by tue musicK master. in tne evening aiier the entertainment a dance and mis said to be the success it was anticipated and mucu hilarity mereat with un ar lest on dancing as never Detore. My scout to give me brave words of tne wmppet racing, but to say until there do be a toiausaior opened at the grounds there may be but ineex interest aispiayed in the contests. In the city a buiKy leiiow to approach me saying he ham heard Gore will have a Carnival that it may , show Invercargill it hath not yet risen to be the only breadcrumb on the cloth, and he ready to oner ms services as Fseudo Mayor providing he indemnified gainst all letters and be given the freedom of Gore. To promise I will further his application, but to add it were best to assist the eastern capital Ly encouraging Invercargill people to attend thereat and spread the lignt . . . heartedness. THURSDAY, June 9.—Up early this day and to the city in that 1 do hear the players do arrive with Abie’s Irish Rose, and the Chief hath decreed we to take all measures to see this play be not permitted to remain more than two nights, since it is teared anywhere it may stop it to take root and remain forever as hath been the case in i\ew York. In the evening therefore to visit the playhouse and an inspection of this concoction, the which did cause much laughter as it hath been intended, but though I did laugh myself I to decide ij to be moderate fare, and the acting not above suspicion. Secret word brought to me that the Little Southlanders with three plays writ by some of their number do promise an evening very much the superior of this and like to excel anything of the kind seen in this city in that the plays do be writ and played by Little Southlanders under the supervision of Cousin Betty and the object one to encourage all to take an interest. FRIDAY, June 10.—This day on going abroad to meet with one who hath a small motor car and he to be weeping as never before I have seen a man in tears since Uncle Robin noticed the Joss of sixpence in Dunedin. On my enquiring to find he hath found his car hath been running forty-six miles to the gallon, and his wife hath taken petrol to remove a spot from his coat and this to cost him fully six miles of running. He to assure me he hath got two miles at least from the cork of a petrol bottle and the cork unsqueezed, in proof of this he to produce the cork. Secret information brought that the Amateur Operatic Society be now ujxm its toes and to propose a production of The Geisha that will assuredly dazzle the populace. This to my great content and so to decide I will remain in the city instead of retiring to my baronial fastness in Orepuki, the which I do propose to use as a rival to the Chief’s country seat, and this to the secret joy of the Mackintosh who seeth in this the seed of to sunder the phalanx of the St. Andrew’s and make way for his own assumption of rulership. But more of this anon.