Laughs

Southland Times, Issue 19720, 28 November 1925, Page 23

Laughs

WORRYING! “Go and wash your face, dear, remember that your uncle is to come here to-day.” “Yes, mummy, but supposing he doesn’t come.” —Cousin Ena Hall. DID HE PRACTICE WHAT HE PREACHED? ‘ls this where Dr. Jones is to give his lecture upon ‘Simple Methods of Avoiding Illness?’ ” ‘Yes, but the lecture is postponed owing to the illness of the doctor!” —Cousin Ena Hall. WHERE DID SHE COME FROM! Master: Well, Susan, did you post my letter as I told you? Faithful Servant: Yes, sir; but I had it weighed first, and as it was double weight I put on another stamp. Master: Good girl, but I hope you didn’t put it on so as to obscure the address. Faithful Servant: Oh, no indeed, sir; I just stuck it on top of the other stamp, so as to save room. —Cousin Ena Hall. KNEW PERFECTLY. Aunt: ‘You’ve counted up to eight nicely dear. But don’t you know what comes after eight?” Edith: “Bedtime.” —Cousin Ena Hall. VERY LAZY! Park-keeper: Hi! Wake up there! I’m going to close the park.” Sleepy fellow: “All right! Don’t slam the gate, will you?” —Cousin Doris Winder. TOO CURIOUS! Mummy (to Billy who is cutting up skin rug) /‘Gracious, Billy, whatever are you doing? Billy: Well, you see, daddy says that a leopard can never change its spots, so I’m trying to find out if I can change this one’s spots! —Cousin Doris Winder. NOT NORAH’S FAULT “Norah, I don’t want to see you kissing that cousin of yours in the kitchen any more.” “If ye’ll kindly cough before ye open the door, mum, ye won’t see me kissing him, aither.” —Cousin Vera Gillespie. DISGUSTING Mistress (indignantly): “Jane, whatever did you mean by wearing my low-necked dress at the ball last night? Really, you ought to have been ashamed of yourself!” Jane (meekly) : “I was mum. You never heard such remarks as they made. —Cousin Vera Gillespie. OBEDIENT. Mike: “I heard you got a letter from your brother Denny?” Pat: “Indeed, I did.” Mike: “Was there anything important in the letter?” Pat: ‘Well I didn’t open it, for on the outside of the envelope was printed: Please return within five days; so I sent it back to him.” —Cousin Vera Gillespie. EXACTLY Ikey (to father): “Father, what is extravagance.” Father (to Ikey): “Extravagance, my son, is wearing a tie when you’ve got a beard. —Cousin Vera Gillespie. THE DUCKS SCORED! An old negro was asking for credit at a village store. The store-keeper inquired: “How comes it, Rastus, that you are asking for credit already? Didn’t you ship a carload of melons North just last week?” “De ducks got ’bout all dose melons, sah,” was the mournful reply. “What do you mean by saying the ducks got ’em?” ‘Well you see,” said the old man, “I sent dem melons up Noth and dey deducks de freight, and dey deducks de packing, and dey deducks the storage charges, and dey deducks de commission, and dey deducks de gov’ment taxes. Tes, Sah, de ducks got ’bout all dem melons. Dat’s how comes it!” —Cousin Janet Hilton. DIFFERENT. Jimson doesn’t cut much ice as a skater, does he? “No, but he breaks a lot of it.” —Cousin Emily Horrell. FUNNY MAN. ‘Your name, please, Miss?” “lona Carr.” “Oh, do you? What make?” —Cousin Emily Horrell. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” “So do presents.” —Cousin Emily HorrelL TOO BAD. “Oh! I can’t thread this needle mum!” was little Bessie’s cry; “Just as the thread is going through the needle winks its eye.”—Cousin Jean Somerville. SOMETHING LIKE THIS. Young Jessie had a little bantam presented to her, but was disappointed at the smallness of the first egg laid by the bird. Her ideal egg was that of the ostrich, a specimen of which was on the table in the drawing room. One day the ostrich egg was missing from its accustomed place. It was afterwards found near the spot where the bantam nested, and on it shuck a piece of paper with the words:—“Something like this, please. Keep on trying.” —Cousin Elsie Amos. THAT’S RIGHT. Teacher: “Harry, how do bees dispose of their honey?” Harry: “I ’spects they sell (cell) it sir.” —Cousin Jean Somerville.