Shaun’s Patch.

Southland Times, Issue 19690, 24 October 1925, Page 13

Shaun’s Patch.

“4 Little Nonsense Now and Then.”—Hudibras.

As far as I can see everybody standing in this election has either nut Southland on the map or is going to do it. Now the Bulgars have annoyed Greece. They’re walking in slippery places. THE WAY OUT. The voter waited at midnight. The clock was striking the hour; He wondered what line he would strike out What party he’d put into power. He’d listened to all of the talkers, The arguments used by each side, And he paused on the bridge at midnight— Then he threw himself into the tide. Add to Gambles: Art Unions. Horse Races. Life Insurance. Elections. * * * » This neat one from Lucasta Replies to Lovelace, from G. K.’s Weekly I suspect of coming from G. K. himself:— Tell me not, friend, you are unkind. If ink and books laid by, You turn up in a uniform Looking all smart and spry. I thought your ink one horrid smudge, Your books one pile of trash, And with less fear of smear embrace A sword, a belt, a sash. Yet this inconstancy forgive, Though gold lace I adore, I could not love the lace so much Loved I not Lovelace more. * * * # The man who will talk about the troubles in his innards, cannot necessarily be said to give an organ recital. * * * * When a girl takes a breach of promise to heart she often takes it to court. I read somewhere recently that a bridge player asked to be buried with simple honours. Two spades, I suppose and no trumps. Give me a sentence with the word “Sonnet” in it: He has a car but I don’t know how much he owe sonnet. After all it must be admitted that a pillow is a knapsack, but not every one wants to have a baton in it. ADVENTURES OF PHILEMON. A Fierce Campaign. Boss, the work of getting to the House Is one that needs a wond’rous heap of nouce, Since those who labour that they may be sent Into the padded chairs of Parliament Must as for people’s voting they are bidding Indulge in quite a lot of blatant kidding, And claiming when they help the show to run That everything of benefit they have done. You know, O Boss, that a'year ago I sought Distinction and a goodly share I caught When, being in the fiction line no dub, I joined the local Ananias Club. And giving my own qualities full vent Rose quickly to the post of president. I did all that and gloried in it, too, But now I must confess with bitter rue That when the claims of candidates I scan I realise I am an “also ran,” That never till I reach the time to die Can I so glibly use the letter “I.” . All matters that have benefited us I cannot claim, in spite of others’ fuss, To have put on the country’s Statute Book, Nor may I quote, however much I look However much I may the figures dance, That I'm the champion getter of road grants. I’m just a piker, Boss, at games like these, I can’t compare with those experienced fleas Who talk at large without the least compunction And all good things claim for themselves with unctio... It’s very hard and now it seems quite plain Not politics but guff wins a campaign. MINE OWN PEPYS. OCTOBER 17.—Abroad betimes and to my garden therein to labour in the planting of seeds and potatoes, though the warmth of the sun to make these operations so tiresome I to ponder on the advantages of letting this work by contract and paying with stock, as hath been advised in connection with the financing of the country’s operations. Mrs Shaun to observe me and to remark that this work to continue long and I will wear my dress suit without discomfort. At this unkind cut to cast my spade from me and in high dudgeon to retire to my coolest room. In the afternoon captured by Tom Meredith that I may assist in arranging the butts for the coming draw of the Art Union and seeing I have tickets it to seem a fine chance to ensure mine be in the drawing thereof, but Lord knows the futility of these things. I being put to all work save that which will enable me to carry out my plan and to finish late with min? eyeballs bulging from the gazing at figures so that I am careless of the future. At night a further bout with these butts and so to my couch there to dream of tickets in myriad? passing all counting and all prize winners save those held by me. Mrs Shaun to wake me complaining that my groans to disturb the children. OCTOBER 19. —Resolved this day that I will no more wash my car, since each time I have done this there 'hath been rain and the car thereupon to be as

shameful as previously and all my labours wasted. Tu the city and to learn that there hath entered the golfing lists a new player, the same being C. McKay who hath purchased clubs and now to attack the Royal and Ancient game with vigour, though bow the turf may stand to his drives the Lord only knoweth. He being a business man of great energy it seemeth that after thirty minutes of playing he hath mastered all the intricacies and be now set upon the teaching of his wife. Thia to make me marvel and somewhat ashamed of mine own sloth to say nought of Vardon and Barnes who do declare they have not yet mastered the game. In the evening to the playhouse there to hear Sir Joseph Ward who it on the hustings and a big meeting, but to come away less wise than before my going and to ponder on the changes that may come in politics in a few years, so that I am wholly at sea when listening to explanations of the position. OCTOBER 20.—This morn to rise early and in my bath to pray lustily that this night may bring fortune to me in the drawing of the Art Union. Mrs Shaun to declare that ’twere better not to prejudice my chances. To mine office and there waited on by strange men who would have me contest the seat declaring it be of no concern whether or not I do talk sense so long as I do say pleasant things. Ito give grave concern to these things but to dedine lest people do lower their opinion of me. In the evening to the drawing and to grieve with the Mayor, the Magistrate and the Inspector of Police that they be worked as never before in the drawing of Art Union prizes, playing a' game with marbles such as hath never before been seen. And their workmanship faulty since the big prizes to go to other parts, a matter on which I will speak at the next meeting of the Mothers’ Guild. OCTOBER 21.—Awake betimes and to come one who doth inform me that a little while ago one who hath great interests in politics and hath been a new party all by himself, did hie to a jeweller who did change his views. He to gaze upward so that the jeweller to ask what he may see, and the man of Esk Street to declare he to marvel at a bird which hath molted its yellow feather and the new feathers to come green. But later the man of Esk to also have a change of heart, despite his previous fulminations, and the jeweller waiting on him to gaze upwards, so that the Esk man to inquire what he may see. Whereat the lapidary with sharp wit to say he hath seen more birds who do moult and so change the colours of their feathers, which same do be true and to make me marvel that such things may be. OCTOBER 22.—Awake early this day in that my daughter who hath seen me in the planting of seeds that vegetables may grow, hath rubbed fertiliser on my face that my whisticks may flourish and thereby to require such a washing as I have not seen since my boyhood. This to cause Mrs Shaun much and hearty laughter and on my chiding her that as this fertiliser, got from the Mackenzie, do work there will be an increase in the cost of living for the shaving of my chin. To learn that the Chief hath discovered a new singer and .he not of the Sistine Choir, and to threaten that he will let him loose one evening on the St. Andrew’s so the bagpipes may be shamed into silence. To inquire of my physician concerning these matters and he to declare he hath heard naught, the Chief being secretive and bent on keeping this business quiet. In the evening to the playhouse to hear the Sistine Soloists and much fine part singing, also to watch the Maestro as he do play the accompaniments and to engage in other operations the whiles, to the wonderment of all. To hear a ' mighty fine baritone, young and like to lieing a great singer some day. Meeting with one he did say that Citizen S. Griffith be very touchy on .election matters and the manner of it is that he did preside at a meeting whereat Mr Hargest did speak and the story about that he be organiser for the P.P.A., and he having nought to do with the organisation and the whole thing a canard. To warn my friends by telephone that they breach not this subject to Citizen Griffiths lest there be explosions.

OCTOBER 23. —Up betimes and to learn that there be dark rumours that J. W. Smith do talk of challenging me to an angling match, but on consulting with my diary to learn that it were vastly expensive to undertake this mission. My physician to assure me he will lend me his waders, the same which he did usei when a youth in the Highlands, but the conditions being that he will take seventy-five per centum of all my catch and share in the prize money I may take from J. W., sith I will surely defeat him as did happen at the golff. On my discussing this matter with Mrs Shaun she to say that there be fishmongers in the city wherefrom ’twere easier to catch fish and at lone cost, and the man J.W. do be a mighty fellow with the angling, so that there be grave risks that I shall have nought to eat and mayhap the waders, being old, will collapse and my physician, who is a shrewd fellow reared in the Highlands, will thereupon seek a replacement of them. This to decide me to have nought to do with the plot. At night again to the Sistine singers and they to please me as never before, though the singing of songs in English to cause me concern, though they be popular. This day also to meet with Claude Haigh, who hath travelled much and he to show me the finest picture of London yet known so that I to count my pennies and to consult with a timetable of sailings to the Homeland, but without much hope.