Shaun’s Patch.

Southland Times, Issue 18975, 23 June 1923, Page 9 (Supplement)

Shaun’s Patch.

“A Little Nonsense Now and Then.”—Hudibras.

The bone of contention: Whalebone. * * jt * • When Mr Coates gets properly to work with his board the counties will probably be asked to warble to him: “You tak’ the highway, and we’ll tak’ the bye-way.” • • ♦ • • I notice that a learned professor has informed the British people that it is rotten weather that has made Britons what they are, adding: If we had the weather we pray for we wou|d be degenerate and a third-class power. What a consolation this must be for—Dunedin, let us say. ***** Mr Scullin’s no-confidence motion charging the Government with having crushed, the State mills at the behest of Melbourne warehouses, was evidently as wild as it was woolly. * • « • • A London newspaper announces that a once popular writer of "sob” songs is now washing windows for a living. Thus does society avenge its wrongs. * * • * • Mrs Hohenzollern is reported as saying to a party of visiting students: “Please come often. We have so little chance of hearing anything of real value.” This was a rather cruel remark to make when Wilhelm is in the house, unless of course she meant her visitors to understand that her receiving set was working on a crystal detector only. Unprofitable occupation: Making counterfeit money in Germany and Russia. • • • ♦ • A woman in the United States has obtained a divorce from her husband on the ground that he bit her. He evidently thought that the woman of his choice was also the woman of his chews;* It is solemnly announced that Crewe (England) w’ith a population of 45,000 has no drunkards. Was the count taken on Sunday? Or is the definition of “drunkard” the explanation. You remember the remark of the little boy in one of Phil May’s drawings: “’E aint drunk, mister; I saw ’im move.” • • • • • The death is announced of a man in the United States who owned 1000 violins. What if they’d been bagpipes! Now that. France has started a “purity” drive, what will the respectable old gentlemen of other countries do when they go to Paris for a rest from the worries of business ? LY • •.. z*- _ .. A woman in Ohio who talked continuously for a week has been sent to an asylum. I-et us hope she is placed next to the holder of the world’s record for non-stop dancing. A member of the staff of the School of Mines in Melbourne has just returned from the United States, where he says he saw a cow put in the New York Zoo because so many New Yorkers had never seen one alive. Special point will thereby be given to Gellett Burgess’s lines: I’ve never seen a purple cow, I never hope to see one, But this I know and tell you now: I’d rather see than be one.

MINE OWN PEPYS. June 16.—This morn did I leap gaily from my couch, and lighting on the ftnportant extremity of a tack, did fill the air with music, to the pleasureing of mine infant daughter, who, they say, is too young to ■ understand anything. I return thanks to my private angel that the i.d. doth not understand language. Thence to Rugby Park to see a clash in company with a small company of my fellow townsmen, and 1 did note that citizens Hazlett and Gilmour did once more combine with much effect. At night I did read Gardiner's biography of William Harcourt, an immense work of much credit, and so to bed. June 18.—Keenly abroad and to the links, where I did start badly and did tremble for my status in the home, but getting back upon my game, I did scramble home victorious from Mrs Shaun, who showeth a marked distaste for ironing. I did learn of a certain Mrs Branmash this day and of her wit in saying: “A pancake is not done until it s tossed,” whereat 1 did laugh. June 19.—Again to the links and this day the dominance of the male was never in doubt. I to learn that tins night week the Chief is to tell the St. Andrew’s folk of "Musical Memories of Scotland,” whereat I marvel since I have read that the bagpipe in cultured circles is not considered to be a musical instrument. Doubtless the Chief hath later information on this point. June 20.—With my morning cup of water I did read that Councillor Miller hath gotten one of his pedal extremities into difficulties. I to Rugby Park to behold a match which almost became a clash. There I hear a report that a certain travelling pie emporium hath been purchased by the Star F.C., and that several members of the team narrowly escaped injury when a celebrated Wintonian artist in colour did kick the leather sphere on to the emporium. June 21.—An excellent round with my razor, proving that my work with the irons is still improving. To the City and there to learn that the rumour concerning the purchase of the pie-cart is unfounded, but that certain admirers of the Star F.C., intend presenting the team with illuminated season tickets to the emporium. 1 did read my news-sheet and therein did note from certain advertisements that someone is to keep the butt-end of double prices for certain smoking utensils. June 22.—Jerked from slumber by a telephone ring and so to my diary. 1 did notice that the ex Kaiser confesses to having found it difficult to get good actors. That is so. Neither he nor 1 could go on the public platforms and what was there left? I must write him, poor fellow, and ask how he’s doin’ in Doorn. I to read that certain Dusseldorf shopkeepers do not want to charge for their goods and to the Union Co., to enquire of the fare and time-table to Dusseldorf, but am told that trade has not warranted a service thereto. And so to lighter tasks and bed.

So the bourse in Athena has been closed on account of the financial fluctuations. Speculation in Greece must always be a slippery business. Famous Holes: The BEck of Calcutta. meal bread. A of a place. The truth and nothing .but the truth. The y City. The 19th I notice in an American newspaper that a testimonial Mo one patent medicine* firm displays unusual candour. We will call the concoction Stirrem Syrup and then the testimonial r ctids:— Mr J. H. Crittenden, Racine, writes: “H’rrem Syrup has done wonders for me. J had no idea my fiver was out of order, but after using Stirrem Syrup a short time I then knew it was. A NATION’S GREATNESS. At the con'cronee of the Sanitary Institute De Watte said a belief was prevalent among shire miners that If they had a h*th it was not wise to wash tlirlr oacks. There was a deep-roote4 Impresson thrt «ashing weakened the back. Professor (ollie incidentally referred to the English climate and said• 'English people complain that our weather is often rotten, yet the weather made Britons what they are, if we had the weather we prayed for we would be degener» ates and a third class power.”—Cable item. Caractacus he fought with vim, And Alfred fixed the mighty Danes, ’Twas cakes, we know, assisted him, To clear the ancient English lanes. The bowmen who with Harry fought And to the Frenchmen brought much grief Upon the plain of Aginfcourt, Owed much, we are informed, to beef. When Drake swept o'er the Spanish Main And bounced the Dons upon the seas, He fought for Queen and private gain With profitable victories. His might and England’s power then Was based upon her gunners’ skill As well as on her Bailormen Who out-tacked anyone at will. At Waterloo, where Nap was beaten, The Duke for Britain struck a blo» But on the playing fields of Elon The war was won we now well know. These thingp have all been known to ua | And cherished well for centuries, ' On them we’ve built imperious, With them we’ve bluffed our enemies. But now the truth comes grimly home And Strikes us deeply, too, to boot; From, not the leaves of some old tome, The Sanitary Institute. And thence we learn, and groan together, Georges, Pate, Llewellans, Macs., Our greatness comes from rotten weather Our strength, it comes from unwashed backs.

THE ADVENTURES OF PHILEMON Out Off the Red This week, O boss, I got the chance to set A cueist skilled, one Clark McConachy, Who toys with billiards and at lively gait. Can run up breaks galore and is quite able To play it masterlike all round the table. His nursery cannons, playing fine or deep. Are so attractive that they ever keep The room awake when it should be asleep. Tis losing hazards, and his short arm fxits, His sixteen cushion cannons, and the shots That go caret ring round the table ledge And sink to pockets—these keep men on edge And cause them now and then their breath to take Between their closed teeth, and thus to make Expression of their wonderment. O, boss, When I gaze on such skill I want to toss My cues into a rubbish heap and tear Great handfuls from my once luxuriant hair, Kick fire-irons and to reserts flittering Devote the days I have to spend in knitting. This I intended, boss, but Io! there came te me A little chap of ingenuity, Who did declare he had in secret wrought A scheme by which a champion could be caught. . • It seems he had some billiard balls devised Which could be changed in colour and disguised By making to appear the marking spot All this he did assure me he had got To work by wireless and by moving dye« So that they changed and thus deceived all eyes. Thus when the champion had the balls in play We could upset his schemes and thus make hay Of all his skill, while when he left the spheres All safe the mug, discarding all his fears, Could be assured, by all the b. b’s changing, An easy sliot. Boss, soon we were arranging. A match and on it placed (though now it hurts) Our stock of all the very latest shirts. The night came on and odds were on ths champ. I played ’em safe, although my hand wu damp, But then McConachy took up his cue And trotted up a century or two Before my pay, before a simple shot, Changed “plain” upon an instant to • “spot.” The audience quite toppled in surprise When they did hear my very modest cries Declaring (How my voice boomed through the hall) That he had played his shot with mins own ball. Then down I went with only three to make (Which would have been my very large* break) And right above a pocket (pretty sight!) There stood inviting my opponent's white. I signalled to my pal, who was in range, I wanted three and bade him make, th® change. The champion was blowing of his nose When slowly my confederate arose And in the air his right hand softly waved. The white to red was changed and I was saved I But Lordy! Then I heard a fearful yell As. if the wildest demons out of Hell Were in a chous. Slow 1 turned my head And, Boss, each of the blooming balls uas red! His hand had slipped or he had waved too far. The next I knew was that a brilliant .star With its companions from the footpath soared _ While in my ears a rushing torrent roared. And I discovered, likewise did my pard, The world outside the club is very hard.