FOURK'S

Southland Times, Issue 19471, 26 November 1904, Page 3 (Supplement)

FOURK'S

_ The German. Empress (says a -writer in Everybody's Magazine) was conversing at a reception in the Berlin palace with a baroness whose iiußbaad is very rich. Tho ;• baroness asked the Empress what things ijuthe world- shcr liked best. •' Your Majesty", excuse my question, ' the- batMieas -Added; •" but ; it , wpuld Me. ; grea£ honour \if vircou^do^Bonifi^ns} to

■ f \ The Empress smiled in her motherl: way, "My dear," she replied,. . _Ai t. . wouli not be possible for you to give me th< things I like best, iov:^to^Ayr?*heM them.'- ,v " Indeed, your Majesty, ",<- v said tip baroness. " Make I liiake' bold to asl what they are?" 3 " I can tell you very readilyy* snid tjjjj; Empress. " There arc four things I prefer to all others, and they all begin with 'k.' They ore 'my my kdnder, my kirche, and my kuche.' " This may be translated, "My King, my ' kids,' my kirk, and my kitchen." " LOOK PLEASAN^" '.] "I have come to get niy^ $lle photographed," said the determii&dTlooking man, as he entered the atudio;sfcllowed by a uieek-lookling woman.- " You can moke fools look grand, sir; can't you ?' "Certainly, sir," replied the photographer ; " that is part of my business, you know." " Well, Maria here fell out of the window lust year ami broke her nose. You can straighten it out, I suppose 9 " -■ Certainly, sir.- --" And can you push in Maria's ears so that she won't look so much like a rabbH ?" " Oh, I think so." " And what about the equint in her left eye ?" " Oh, I can touch it up with Indian ink." . " And the freckles ?" "They won't appear on the picturo at all." " And will the hair be red ?" " Oh, no." " Well, you con go ahead. Sit down there, Maria, and try to look pleasant. 4 * LYING IN THE BUNKER* He is a pretty fair golfer and absolutely mad on the game. BCo walked! ovefi the links dejectedly. " Just spoiled a splendid brassie-shot at the eighth," ho said ; " hit my caddie on the head." " And what happened f" asked the stranger, horrified. " Well," continued the enthusiast, " I hole<l out in four." " But what happened to the l.oy, I mean ?" " Oh," exclaimed the enthusiast, "he's lying in the bunker. Such a line shot wasted, too !" TAKING HIS MEASURE. "Dr Sloan, of Ayr, about 40 years ago told that a friend of his had gone not long before to see the parish minister of Craigie, near Kilnmrnock, and finding him for the moment engaged, had turned into the churchyard, where ne sauntered past the sexton, who was at work digging a grave. As the clergyman was -detained some time, the visitor walked to and fro along, the path, and at length noticed that the sexton's eyes were pretty constantly fixed upon him. ... At length he stopped, and addressing the gravedigger, asked, ' What the de'il are ye staring at me for ? Ye needna tak' the measure o' me, if that's what you'ra ettlin' at. for we bury at Riocarton.' '' MAKK TWAIN AND THE IJISHOr. Itishop 'William Crosswell Doane, of Albany, was at one time rector of an Episcopal church at Hertford, and at this chun-h Mark Twain was an occasional attendant. Twain one Sunday ployed a ;<jke on the rector. " Doctor Deane," he said at the end of the service, "I enjoyed y o ur sermon this morning : I welcomed it like an old friend. I have, you tnow. a book at home containing every word of it." " You have not," said Dr. Deane. " I have so," said the humorist. " Wfell. send that book to me. I'd like to' see it." ■. ■'• I'll send.-/ it," Twain replied. The next morning he sent to the rector an unabridged dictionary., MERCY TO THE BLUEBOTTLE. An amusing story is told of Dr, Gruby.. <:f Paris, the physician who is well known for his elVorts to protect animals from cruelty. One day Dr. Gruby was much annoyed i.by the buzzing of a bluebottle ily. against his windows. The doctor summoned an. attendant, whom he directed to open the window and carefully put the fly sideThe. servant, . who knew his master's kindness, called attention to the fact that at that moment it was raining heavily. " True," responded the doctor. Then, after a .moment's perplexed reflection, he exclaimed, triumphantly :— "At least, you may put him in the waiting-room. There he may stay until the weather is fair 1" A SOFT ANSWER/ An Irishman was called upon to givo evidence in a shooting affray. " Did you see that shot fired ?' asked the magistrate. " No. sir; but I heard it,' 1 replied the witness. "That is not satisfactory. Step down." As the Irishman turned to go, he laughed, and was rebuked by the magistrate, who told him it was contempt of court. " Did yez: see me laugh ?" " No, but I heard you." " That is not satisfactory." And then the Court laughed.