MR. DICKENS RUNNING OVER THE COLUMNS OF A NEWSPAPER.

Southland Times, Volume I, Issue I, 14 November 1862, Page 4

MR. DICKENS RUNNING OVER THE COLUMNS OF A NEWSPAPER.

(From the Glasgow Morning Journal.)

Mr. C. Dickens presided at the annual dinner of the News Vendors' Benevolent Institution, on Tuesday night. In proposing the toast, of the evening, he said : — 1 shall start off for two or three moments with the newsman on a fine May morning, and tatte a view of the wonderful broadsheets which he scatters broadcast over the country. Well, the first thing that occurs to me following the newsman is, that every day we are bom, that every day that we, or at least some of us, are married, and that every day we die. ( Laughter.) Consequently, the first thing the newsvendors' columns inform us of is, that Atkins has been born, that Catkins has been married, and that Datkins is dead. (Great Laughter.) But the most remarkable thing I immediately discover in the next column is, that Atkins' infancy is very brief, for I find lhat he has become seventeen years of age, and run away from home, for my eye lights on the fact that " W. A." which means William Atkins, is sole.nnly adjured to immediately return to bis disconsolate parents, and everything will be arranged to his satisfaction, and to the satisfaction of everybody else lam informed he will not return, for if he ever meant to come hack he would not have run away. (Liughter.) Immediately below I find a mysterious character in such a mysterious difficulty that it is only to be expressed hy several disjointed sentences and several figures and asterisks, and then I find the explanation in the intimation that the waiter has given his property over to his uncle, and that the elephant is on the wing. (Loud Laughter.) Still glancing over the shoulders of the newsman, I find that there are great fleets of ships bound to all the ports of the world, that they all have a little more stowage room, and all want a little more cargo, that they all have a few more berths to let, that i hey have all the most spacious cabins and decks, that they are built of teak and copper-fastened, and all carry surgeons of experience — in fact, that the}' are all A 1 at I,'oyd's, and everywhere else. (Laughter.) Still glancing over the columns of my newsman, I find 1 am offered all kinds of houses, lodgings, clerks, servants, and" siiuations which I can puaol'.lj , or impossibly want I learn, to my intense gratification, that I need never grow old, that I may always preserve the juvenile bloom of my complexion, that if ever 1 become ill it is entirely my own fault, and that I may have no more grey hair. (Laughter.) If I have any complaint, and want brown cod liver oil, or a Turkish bath, I am told where I can get it ; and that, if I want an income of ALT a week, I have only to send for it, enclosing half a crown's worth of postage stamps. (Laughter.) Glancing again over the shoulder of my friend, the newsman, my eye lights on the Imperial Parliament, and there I read, among other stereotyped passages, the hon. member for somewhere asked the right hon. the Secretary for the Home Department whether ha had any intelligence to communicate with respect to the laat outrage, the last railway accident, or the last mine explosion ; and then I always read how ihe right hon. gentleman the Home Secretary, in reply, said he knew nothing of the occurrence beyond what he had read in the newspapers. (" Hear, hear," and laughter.) Then I look into the police intelligence, and there I can discover that if I have a propensity that way to indulge, I may very cheaply bite off a human being's nose ; but that if I presume to take off from a butcher's window the nose of a dead calf or pig, it will cost me exceedingly dear; and I also find that if I allowed myself to be betrayed into the folly of killing an inoffensive tradesman upon his own door-step, that little incident will nol affect the testimonials to my character, but that I shall be described as a most amiable young man, and above all things, remarkable for the singular inoffensiveness of my character and disposition. (Hear.) Still looking over the shoulder of my friend the newsman, my eye passes to the theatrical intelligence, and I read the news — which is really no news at all — that the true spirit of a picturesque artist has been dis played by Mr. Benjamin Webster — (hear, hear) — or that another most subtle and delicate piece of comedy has been achieved by my friend Mr. Alfred Wigan. (Cheers.) Then I turn to the (me arts, and under that head I find that J. O. has most triumphantly exposed a certain J. O. B. — (laughter) — wliich J. O. B. was remarkable for this ugly feature, that I was requested to deprive myself of my best pictures for six months, that for that time they were to be hung on a wet wall, and that I wa-s to be requited for my courtesy in having my pictures covered by a wet blanket. To sum up the results of the glance over my newsman's shoulder, it gives me a comprehensive knowledge of what is going on over the continent of Europe, and also of what is going on over the continent of America, to say nothing of such little geographical regions as India and China. In the latest telegrams which come to hand I learn how my boy is getting on in the army, and turning to the naval intelligence, I read the latest news concerning my boy iv the navy. All the topics are sifted and expressed „ .in short, , pointed, and terse articles, and every morning before breakfast, like Ariel, I am enabled to put a

girdle round t^e earth,and coming hack to London Biidgejearn the latest movements of the JapanefK Ambassadors.— (Hear.)