FUN AND FANCY.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2951, 24 November 1900, Page 1 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

" Wanted, a young woman who can cook and dress the children.” Poor little dears! Young Sprigg; “’Mr Bidquick, lam wortli £6OOO, and I love your daughter.” Mr Bidquick (retired auctioneer): " Sold!” Stern Fattier: “Now, now my boys. Quarrelling again—and for a miserable little halfpenny?” One of the Boys : “Well, you said, father, tiie less we quarrelled about the better!”

Jess: “Is she so very plain-looking?” Tess : “ Well, I should think so. Why, the girls who went to school with her wouldn’t even let her appear in the photograph taken of all the pupils.” “Never mind, old Irian,” said the successful suitor, “ ‘ there’s a girl in the world for us all,’ you know.” “I know,” replied the fellow who had been jilted; “ bur, hang it all, we all want the same girl-” Adjoining the nursery : Mr Bricktop (who has hit his thumb with a hammer); “ ! Remember the children! If you must use such language, why don’t you spell it?”_ Mabel: •“ So your mother has married again?” Maud': “Yes, thank goodness!You can’t think how glad I am to. get her comfortably settled. You don’t know what a terrible trial sire has been to me lately !” Mother ; “ Have you been at those plums again, Charlie?” ,Charlie : “Why, mamma, yon told me 1 could have all your things when you died, and yesterday you said von were half dead —so I took half of them!”

First Negro: “Dis hyah game ob disfranchising us by constitootional amen’ments ain’t no square deal. Second Negro ; “Wal, I’d rudder be disfranchised wif a . constitootional amen’ment dan. wif a shotgun.” “ And I want it to say :‘To my husband,’ t in an appropriate place,” said the widow, in conclusion, to Slab, the gravestone man. “ Yessum,” said Slab. And the inscription went on : “To My Husband. In an appropriate place.” Defence Advocate: “ Sir, the officer charged with intoxicated while on duty is above the breath of suspicion.” Police Commissioner; “Sir, your is ill-timed; the accused is even at this moment munching cloves.” Close Merchant: “ Yes, sir, I want a new bookkeeper; hut you won’t do.” Appli-' cant: “ May I ask why ?” Close Merchant: “You are as bald as a billiard ball, sir. A. man with no hair to wipe his pen on will, rust out a whole box every week.” His Worship: “ You say you are not al- - Prisoner: “No, your worship.” His Worship ; “ Did any motive bring yon to this city?” Prisoner: “Yes, your worship.” His Worship : “What?” Prisoner: “Locomotive.” His Worship : “Ten days.” Enterprising Chemist: “Here’s a card-, Ktiadam. Every time you buy something tp the value of a shilling I’ll punch g, hole in it. When ten shillings are punched you get a syphon of soda-water free.” Madam-: “ That’s a fine idea. I’ll take ten shillings’ worth of postage stamps now.” HE UNDERSTOOD. “What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, who get up cross in the morning, and bang things about and kick everything over just because the coffee is cold?” “ John,” responded his wife, “I would, make it hot for you.” As her words admitted of more than one interpretation, John said nothing about the coffee. HE WON. “ Well, Tompkins, how did you come out at the last race meeting?” asked a man of a friend. “ As nearly as I can figure it, I came out about fifteen pounds to the good.” “ Fifteen pounds? That’s not bad. What horse did you back?” “ None.' I had about fifteen- pounds with me that I did not bet with.” TOO SMART. “My necktie is disarranged,” Sherlock Holmes, junr., suddenly exclaimed. » His companion looked at him and said: ( “ How do yon know? You haven’t felt -it, and there is no mirror here that you could have looked into. Sometime;, Mr Holmes, I am almost forced, in spite, of your declarations that you do these things by reasonable human processes, to believe that you must be gifted with -second sight. Now, what has convinced you that your necktie is disarranged?” . “ I noticed a man look at my tie just now and then feel his own,” the great detective answered. / ILK COULD NOT BE RUDE. The American tourist is so firmly convinced that he is befog cheated on all hands during his European travels that he occasionally oversteps the bounds of prudence. “What is the price of this pin?” asked a young man in a Paris shop, handling a small silver brooch of exquisite workmanship. “ Twenty francs, monsieur,’ said the clerk. .y' “That’s altogether too much, • said the young American. “ It’s for a present to my sisterl’ll give you five francs for it.” “ Zen it would be I zat give ze present to your sister,” said the Frenchman, with a deprecatory shrug, “ and Ido not knflw ze young mademoiselle.”

THE BROKER’S EJECTION. “ Kow then, why isn’t this house closed?” demanded the constable of the publican whose place of business he found open after hours. * “There’s a man here,” replied the inkeener meekly, “ who. refuses to leave. I can’t get him out anyhow.” “I’ll soon see to that,” retorted the policeman, and marking into the house he seized the intruder and quickly jerked him / outside, while the landlord promptly shut and barred the door. “Now then,” growled the constable, sternly eyeing the offender, “who are vou that yon should stay and guzzle after hours, I should like to know?” “Who am I?” spluttered the man. “You may well ask, you interfering, bandy-legged bluebottle. pretty mess you’ve made of it, you stupid. I’m the broker’s man!” wk\T HE THOUGHT. The wearisome monotony of the schoolroom is sometimes enlivened by the comical notions evolved from childish brains. A schoolmistress tells the following from her experience: “ The scholars I had were most of them farm labourers’ children, and some of them were a little slow of comnrehension. One day, in geography class, I explained at great length all about the cocoanut-tree, I noticed that one of my urchins looked incredulous, and so, when he slowly put up his hand at the" close of the explanation, I asked him what he wanted. With an expression of great anxiety on his he asked—“‘Docs cocoanuts really grow on trees?’ “ ‘ Why, of course, Jacob,’ I answered. ‘Where did you think they grew?’ “ ‘ Why,’ said he, gravely. ‘ I thought the monkeys laid ’em.’ ” THE CAUSE OF HIS MADNESS. Lunatic (iu dreary monotone); “I cannot put it on over my head ; I cannot put it in my pocket: I cannot wear it on my feet. It ' will not stand on the shelf, and there is no loop to hang it up by. It cannot be a lampshade, a hoise-cloth, or a chest-protector. It docs not look like a bag; it is not a smok-ing-cap. It cannot be a cover* for a ham; ■ it is not ar-r-r-r!” Visitor (in asylum): “ This is, indeed, a sad case.” Keeper : “ Yes, sir, owe of the saddest that ever came under my observation. This young man was, but a little while ago, possessed of an unusually brilliant intellect and a mind of truly remarkable depth and grasp. He delved deep iu science, and solved abstruse problems in astronomy with ease. Psychology was to him little more than recreation, and metaphysics a mere pastime. But a ymmg lady gave him a birthday present of her own making, and in trying to determine the name and use of it he was reduced to his present pitiable condition.”