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South Canterbury Times, Issue 2152, 12 February 1880, Page 3

The Proper Implement for Flooring a Ghost —a spirit level. Con. —What steamship company' is like a musical instrument ? —The P. and (J. (piano) Company', to be sure. Startling Advice.—Medical man; "and then, with regard to (he swelling at the hack of (he head, I don’t apprehend anything serious ; but you must keep you eye on it!” Consoling Thought.—A lady who had quarrelled with her bald-headed lover said in dismissing him, “What is delightful about you, my friend, is that I have not the trouble of sending you back any locks of hair.” Sufficient Beason.—Mr Toole recent ly asked a provincial manager why he had parted with Ids leading tragedian. " I could not help it,” was the reply'; "he ranted so that the people could hear him outside, and therefore would’nt pay to go in.”

And That’s (he Beason Why.— Scone —lnterior of Glasgow Cathedral nave ; time—Sabbath, close of forenoon service. English tourist to man in attendance : " My r good man, why can’t we sec the crypt to-day' ?” Man in attendance, horror-struck : “ Sure, sir, isn’t all the other places of amusement in the town shut on Sundays ?” Collapse of tourist. —Baillo.

‘ How came these Holes In y r our elbows ?’ said a widowed mother to her only son. ‘Oh, mother. I hid behind the sofa when Colonel Gobler was saying to our Maria that he’d take her if you had to he thrown in ; and he didn’t know I was there, and so I held my tongue and laughed in my sleeves till I bu’st ’em.’

Telegraphic Speed.—A sportsman of liberal mind hired a doer forest, in the Highlands, which is 35 miles from the nearest telegraph station. He had to get almost all Ids provisions from Perth. One day', among other tilings, he ordered from his Perth butcher some kidneys for a certain day. They did not arrive, which was, of emrse, a very' small misfortune. The next morning there arrived iu hot haste a messenger on horseback with a telegram. The sportsman paid his thirty-five shillings for it, opened it, and found it was from the Perth butcher, regretting that he could not send his kidneys ! Perhaps he was right.—" Well, how are you?” inquired a doctor, as ho stood by the arm chair of his patient,

an old man, who was troubled with deafness, “Oh very!" bad was the reply ; I can scarcely hear a sound.” “ Well,” remarked the doctor, “ you know how often I have impressed upon yon that you must give up spirits. Do that, and you will get all rigid. “And away ho wont. A fortnight later he paid his patient another visit, and inquired after his ailment. “You don’t need to shout so, doctor,” said the old man irascibly. “I have followed your advice and have given up my grog, and can hoar perfectly.” A week later the medical man paid his patient yet another visit, and found him almost slonc deaf once more. “Ah,” said the former, “ I suppose you have been indulging again.” “Well doctor,” answered (He patient, “ I must confess I have, for I did’nt consider all that I heard worth a single glass of brandy and water !”