“SHEAR" NONSENSE.

Saturday Advertiser, Volume III, Issue 123, 17 November 1877, Page 12

“SHEAR" NONSENSE.

Russians to purify the Turks. They tell us that the good die young, and yet insurance statistics make it f out that clergymeh lire ‘4d'ah Average of ’ sixty-five f* io ai-curiv.% *. years. - THOsE'dreadfulßussianoutrages are what enrages the Turks. A'Russianknoutrage is enough to make anyman mad; * ’ ’The ? English have ;af societyjftir the care of ' ancient: buildings, ’ but %n ancient Englishwoman has got to lopk out 'for her_„.A Yassab girl is ahput. twenty years old when she graduates, but then she begins to -grow-younger-after four or five years; A landlady, said she did not know how to make both ends meet. “ Well,” said a boarder, “ why don’t ; you make one end vegetables ’ If anybody-ever asks you why it is that a little, girl would rather kiss a little, boy than one of' her own sex, 1 you can reply that it is intuition. A Baltimore.belle, just from Vassal* College, when told by the waiter, that they had no gooseberries, exclaimed, “ What has hap. pened to the goose ?” _ _ “ Do you ever have malaria here P” said a lady to an illiterate hotel man. “ Yes,” said he, “we’ll have it to-day, for I’ve got the best French cook in the city.” The reason that no artist can take Gall' Hamilton’s picture is because she can’t keep her mouth, shut long enough. It’s just aswell to be frank about such things. A down town man who went to church’ last Sunday remarked afterward that he preferred the organ to the preacher. He said there seemed to be a stop to the organ. A , y . Times are so hard in Turkey, the Sultan is trying to get along with only three hundred wives. Here in America it is as much as some men can do to get along with one. Eight deaths from eating frogs’ legs were reported in one week in Hartford. We - didn't suppose that anything could kill a man who could eat frogs’ legs. 1 ■ ; A sportive American has named his pig “ Maud, ’’ because it frequently comes intohis garden., . At a Turkish dinner travellers tell us you will find no table-cloth on the table. At some American dinners you'll find hardly anything else. - When two widowers get really warmed up in pursuit of one widow, we see two souls with but a single thought, two hearts which want to beat each other. A woman was killed by lightning in a New York town while drawing a baby coach. Haven’t we often urged wives to let their husbands push the baby coach ? The letters sent home by the special correspondents of the London papers are, for the most part, more amusing than edifying. The correspondents seem to be anything but happy. They are much troubled by fleas and bad wine. It is enough to bring tears to the eyes of a potato to see a Burlington man on “ lodge night” brace himself up against the office door and try to open a postal card to see what is in it, and who it’s from. A member of an American club objected to the publication of the list of the meeting nights of the club; “ because,” he said, “if it is published, we married men will have to account for the off nights. ” The motion to publish was lost. “ Madame,” he remarked (he always callshis wife “ Madame ’’ when he desires to be impressive), “ when thousands are starving, how thankful you should be, even in muslins and calicoes, Every dime should be looked after now-a-days.” Just then (remarks the New York Commercial Advertiser) a boy rapped at the door with a 14dol. box of cigars, which the speaker had ordered to be sent up on his way home. A Western editor received a letter from a subscriber asking him to publish a cure for apple-tree worms. He replied that he could not suggest a cure until he knew what ailed the worms. A writer in the Post, after weighing the claims of various cities said to be the birthplace of Rubens, arrives at the conclusion that the palm must in all probability be awarded to that town where his mother was staying at the time! . . Conversation overheard this morning m the crowd on a North River ferry-boat, approaching the wharf: —‘Well, yes, its a good thing. But I don’t feel as if I coula afford it just at present.’ ‘Nonsense . Can t afford it ? Why, sir, I can tell you of a man who took out a six months' policy last wee for twenty-five dollars, and the very day after was nearly kicked to death by a mule. Can’t afford it! Why, my d— —. dust then the crowd surged ahead, and the rmainder of the colloquy must be for eve lost.