Wise and Otherwise.

Rodney and Otamatea Times, Waitemata and Kaipara Gazette, 28 August 1912, Page 3

Wise and Otherwise.

Mother Why should we make Willie a doctor when there are so many new doctors every year? Father: But think of all the new ailments! " * »-■».■ # » And so I hear Mrs. Brown is separated from her husband? Yes. Oh, do tell me all about it. What did she do. Nothing. He died. .* " * * ♦ ♦ '• I am so glad your sister enjoyed her visit to us, Mr. Bell. Oh, well, she ' is the sort of girl who can enjoy her; self anywhere, you know. * * » • • What makes you think he'd been to **• a drinking party? He came home, .sobbed the young1 wife, wearing a phonograph horn for a hat. ; * * » • • I suppose that inspiration prompts ' many of your jokes? A few, admitted the Press humorist. Desperation, however, prompts the most. * * * ••«,■- * .' ' •■- Hi! shouted the rich man, peeping over the stairway. I want .you. Well, replied the burglar, reaching for the silver, I am at your service/ * * ' ♦ .«■ » Mrs. Hardup (pausing in her writ. ing:) : What is that word for people who come after us? Hardup.,(absent, ly): Bill-collectors, my dear! ***** The Cynic: I suppose shea's the world to you ? The Lover r Not.^aHly; but she's all I want of it—fiv^^^usancj acres and an Elizabethan m|^ibn *■** ' * « Hills: Our servant' girl used gasoline t 0 remove spots- Gillis: Dirf it take them all away? H.llis: Yes; all except the one where the house stood. *** * # : Policeman: Do you have to take care of the dog? Nurse Girl: No; the missus says I'm to young- and inexperienced. I only, look after the children. * * •■■».•". Magistrate: The evidence shows that you threw a brick at a man." Mrs. Duff: An' it shows more than that, yer Honour. It shows that I hit him. . * * • "• « Blobbs: Scribber has had no less than nine plays rejected. Slobbs. What is he doing now? Blobbs: Writ ... "' ' ing essays on the decline of the -", .' drama. •■-■ - ■- • * * * * * '"* V*v How many magazines does your daughter read? Six, doctor. Just as T thought. Her troubte^hjeain-fa* caused by carrying too" many serials in her hsad. ,■'; '<■' * * » # ■■■;*-."* ... Small Boy: Father can you tell me which bird has the b^gest> bill? Father (speaking from experience): Why,. ,-,, the one your mother has in her new hat, my boy. * * * * * First Sweet Damsel: Herald I haoV ay face .like one of Raphael's ang^fe." Second Sweet Damsei: Oh, well; - the faces of Raphael's angels were paink " ed, you know. • * * * • ♦ Tommy: Mamma, do cannibals go to heaven? Mamma: No, dear. Tommy: Do missionaries? Mamma: Yes. Tommy: Well, what if a cannibal eats a missionary? ***** Has your wife a perception .of humor I think so, replied Mr. Meekton. The tired look she always has when I start to tell a joke shows that she recognises it at once. * * * # « ■•,.-,;? Magistrate: What is the charge" •-" against this man, officer? Policeman: There isn't any, your Honor; business was dull and I arrested him - - just to keep my hand in. * * * * # Goodness, Maria, was that phonograph open during the cat-fight ? No, I turned, it on last night when you were sleeping. Perhaps you will be. lieve now that you snore ? ***** Diner: I believe it is improper to speak disrespectfully of one's elders? Waiter: So they say, sir. Diner: Then I will be silent concerning this egg you have just brought me. **• * * * Fond Mother: Tommy, darling,' this is your birthday! What would you like to do? Tommy (after a moment's reflection): I think' I should enjoy seeing the baby spanked- y^ * * • '• ' • " o^fe Willie (to Pa) : I know what the Vjß parson meant when he said it is more f£i| blessed to give than receive. Pa: .ffllff Well, my good boy, what did, he * mean.? Castor oil, Willie replied. . J**f§lj ***** f4*?s*s Guest at a Restaurant: Excuse me, C :*?"*■ sir, can you let me come to the tele- | * N< * phone. ? You have been here twenty *^fs?^ v minutes without saying a word. Sorry/. JWjissfct sir, but I'm talking to my wife * * •- • • ifflSl Yorke: I understand you had tamed J§BjjS over a new leaf and were even Soing^^^^p to love your enemies, but it seems tyoil%fi| me you love no one but yoursefefgi|j^'J^|| Drewson: Well, I am my worst e3j^3jS *.* * « « Conceited Bridge-player: Come hmf%f||p£ and sit by me, Kitty. You can leaj^^f^Sj^ a good deal by watching/my 80f£**%i?f t f Kitty Quicktongue: No, thankl^.*. *'£v never could profit by other pe<gt£L\ mistakes. <2i^^jui^L|£& * * * * *.^^^^Hi Anxious parent: Doctor, my J^^^^^^^H ter appears to be going blind, ancl^^^^^^H is about to be married. Doctor :|^^^^^^^| her go' right on with the weddin^^^^^^^H anything can open her eyes ? mj^^^^^^| age will. Ai^^^^^^^l '■, *, * • • <<^^^^^^^^H ( Bandsman: 'Excuse me>lj^^^^^^^^^| afaaong the coins yoxi-^/^wm^^^^^^^^^^^M was a false one. One|j^^^^^^^^^^^H ence": Well. what. °f'J£^j^^^^^^^^^^| notes you played ius^-nij^^^^^^^^^^^H a great many !)'9Jse| bnel^^^^^^^^^^^l