Wise and Otherwise.

Rodney and Otamatea Times, Waitemata and Kaipara Gazette, 7 August 1912, Page 3

Wise and Otherwise.

■■•> » 1 would go through fife and water for you. But would you.put on a new tyre for me? * ■;• • # • » Did you see anything of Jones to» I day? Yes; I ran across him a while ago with my auto. :•**'» » . ♦ Mother: Don't you think you've had •enough pudding? Freddie: No, ma; I don't feel ill yet" 1 ;. *■ * *■•'#. ; Patience: "She had on a hat that j just suited her face." Patrice: "Oh, ; was it as plain as that?" I ■ * * »■ *■ ' '« ! "I must look into this," declared I the astronomy professor, as he approached the new telescope. *»* * ' « j "How rich is he?" "Immensely | wealthy. He's had every operation i the doctors could think of." ****** "Do you tell your wife everything you do while she is away?" "No, the neighbours attend to that." ! * * * * * • City Cousin: "Tell me, sir, how's ! the milkmaid?" Country one: "li I ain't made, you idiot! The cow gives it."

"What is meant by 'rule of three, 1 pa?" "When a man, his wife, and her mother try to run things together."

"The man I marry must have common sense," said the haughty one. "He Won't," the frtlier answered, 1 bitterly.

"She married an old man who is Tery rich." "I went one better on that. I married a young aviator who is a millionaire."

Ralph, said a mother to her seven-year-old boy, you must not interrupt me when I am talking with ladies. You must wait till I stop. The n you can talk. But you never stop, said the bo»y.

The Magistrate: You plead not guilty to the charge of having stolen this two pounds of snuff. Have you anything to say? Prisoner: Well, yer won. ship, I thought snuff was made to be pinched.

Grandfather: When I was a little boy like you I used to go down into the kitchen and watch the cook mash potatoes. Gr&ndson: Yes, grandpa; but I love to go down and watch her mash the policeman.

;ie: Did you enjoy the opera last night? Herr Schwartz. He: No; I couldn't hear anything. She: Why not ? He : Two ladies sat in front of me and chatted the whole evening about how much they loved music.

Irate Tailor (who has called frequently to collect, without success) "My dear sir, I wish you'd make some definite arrangement with me, then. The Man: Why, surely—let's see—well suppose you call every Monday.

He blushed a fiery red, her heart went pit-a-pat; she gently hung- her head and looked down on the mat. He trembled in his speech; he rose from where he sat, and shouted with a screech: You're; sitting on my hat! * * * • # Mother: What's that I hear? Gerald actually kissed you at the railway station? And what did you do ,pray? Daughter: Well, S o as to make everybody think he was a relative, and so prevent a scandal, I kissed him too * * * * -. ' Mother: Do you think that! young man has matrimonial intentions, my dear? Daughter: I certainly do, mumma. He tried to convince me last night that I looked prettier in that two-guinea hat than in the threeguinea one. * * * * * A man in New York put up a sign "Established 1804," rather priding himself upon the antiquity of his establishment. The next day his rival ■ across the street burlesqued his sign in this way: Established yesterday. No old goods on hand. *■* * * ♦ I.M.P. Cunius: Lend me a tenner, old man. Mr. Gotrox: If you'd only save your own money you wouldn't have to borrow from your friends. I.M.P. Cunius: Well, it's because I want to save my own money that I borrow from my friends * * * *' . « Conjurer: You saw me put your watch in your handkerchief? Small Boy (on stage) : Yes. You can feel it still in the handkerchief? Yes. You can hear it ticking ? Yes, but But what? My watch hasn't been going since I took tHe works out at school ***♦ * ■ ■ A fond mother in Valparaiso, hearing that an earthquake was coming, sent her boys to a friend in the country, so that they mifjht escape it. In a few days she received a note from the friend, saying: Take your boys away and send along the earthquake. Husband:" Here, they,have br.oug'it me an account for a ball costume; how >'... is that? Wife: Oh, don't you remain. ber? It is for the green dress I wore last year at the ball where we first met. Husband: So-o-o and now I 'am ' i expected to pay for the net with wh?ch * I was caughfl. ' - ■'" -.--. •' * '■'■ *• * * * Do it now! urged the irrepressible insurance agent, as a climax to his V. long talk; obey that impulse ! I will.V^ firmly said the harassed victim, rising, *'M from his chair and advancing towards *liP the astonished agent. Do you prefer .'■ being kicked out, thrown out, or^mere. \*. ly pushed out? s 13J'v'J|