Wise and Otherwise.

Rodney and Otamatea Times, Waitemata and Kaipara Gazette, 15 May 1912, Page 3

Wise and Otherwise.

Spats: What brand of cigars do you smoke Soles: Oh! any kind anybodyhappens to have. ■" •. -

English Waiter: Which side of the table do you wish to sit on, sir? American Guest: I prefer to sit on a

chair.

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Parson: But you are contented with what you have ? Giles: Yes, I am. 'Tis the things I haven't got that worry me. •

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Sunday School Teacher:' And yon have no brothers or sisters? Littla Edna: No, ma'am. I'm all the cbi!« dren we've got. ••# m ' •

Gracious, my dear, said the first society belle, I hope you're not ill; you look so much older to-night. I'm quite well, thank you, dear, replied the other ; and you—how wonderfulyl improved you are. You look positively young-.

Young Wife: Well, what do you think of Mr. Mawl's picture of me? Old Hubbie: Splendid, if it weren't for the artist's wild imagination. Young Wife: What's that? Old Hubbie: He has painted your face with your mouth closed.

A little boy of eight years, attending school away from home, wrote a letter to his sister, from which the following extract is taken: "We had a spelling match in school to-day, and I spelled all the boys down and won the Meddle."

Now, children, said the teacher, addressing the juvenile -:lass. I . want you to be perfectly stilt, so still that you can hear a pin drop. For a moment silence reigned supreme, then a small urchin exclaimed: Let 'er drop, mister!

I remember your wife as such a dainty and pretty grirl, Tumly, and yet they tell me she has turned out a fine cook. Turned our a fine cook! exclaimed Tumly. She has turned out half a dozen of them within the la«t three months!

What kind of a career have you mapped out for your boy, John? I'm goin' to make a lawyer of him, answered Farmer Jones. He's got an unconquerable"-fancy for 'tendin' to other folks' business, an' he might as well git paid for it.

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Editor: Why, do you persist in coming here? I tell you I don't buy fiction. Author: Oh, I don't wish to sell any of my stories! I am writing- .1 short serial entitled 'The Ugliest Man on Earth,' and I came in merely to obtain local colour.

Street Car Conductor (to countryman) : If you saw him picking the gentleman's pocket why didn't you interfere, instead of letting him get away ? Countryman: I saw that sign up there, 'Beware of Pickpockets,' an', b'gosh, I was afraid to!

HardyUpton (trying on a new suit): Ah, Isaacs, this suit looks very creditable—very creditable indeed. Isaacs (the tailor, excitedly) :" S'hellup me gracious! Dot suit was noddings ov.de kind. Dot suit neffer leafs der shop except for ready money.

Sympathetic Visitor: My good man, what brought you here? Prisoner: Borrowing money. But they don't put people in prison for borrowing money Yes, I know; but I had to knock the man down three or four times before he would lend it to me.

An old Scotch woman who had been watching a donkey vainly trying- to draw a load of cabbages up a hill shouted to the driver: Here, my man, have ye no mercy ? The driver, thinking she said parsley, shouted back: Na, na, it's aw cabbages the day.

Now, children, said Miss Sweetly, the teacher, you are all to write a composition on 'Responsibility.' Here is what little Willie wrote: 'Boys has got two buttons to their suspenders' to keep their pants up and when one button comes off there's a lot of Responsibility on the other button.

A workman was telling the next man about a brother of his having- some tame mice. These mice would do all sorts of things; they'd even /un up his jacket sleeve. Why, that's nowt, said the other. My mother has a sewing- machine, and one neet last week it ran up the seam of my overalls.

Little Girl (to heir father): Dad, I had a splendid time in London on my holiday. I have seen some beautiful places and most beautiful sights. Father:/ Did you see the Old Bailey, where.they hang the murderers? Little Girl: No, dad, but I saw the Royal Academy, where they hang the artists.

The Sunday school class had reached the parfcrin the lesson where "Abraham entertained the angel unaware. And what is tbfe meaning of 'unaware?' asked the teacher. There was a bashful silence; then the smallest girl in the class piped up. Un'erware is what you take off before you puts on your nightie. Charlie and Nancy had quarrelled. After supper their mother tried to reestablish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let not the. . sun go down upon your wrath." Now, , ">"**' Charlie, she pleaded, are you going to . ~) let the/sun go down upon your wrath? Charlie squirmed a little, then spH : ' Well, how can I stbp it? \ 120 *»•'■'