THE LIGHT COLUMN.

Rangitikei Advocate and Manawatu Argus, Volume XLV, Issue 11906, 2 September 1919, Page 2

THE LIGHT COLUMN.

ALLEGED HUMOUR. Z ! “The points in Brown’s speech i were well taken, I thought.” ‘‘Yes; most of them from other men. ’ ’ “What on earth made you pick the air service?” “Well, if you don’t like it, there are lots of chances to drop out. ’ ’ Beach Attendant (excitedly): “Don’t go in. There are man-eating sharks in the water.” Bair Bather (coldly): “I’m not a man.” “Ethel’s new photo must he a jolly good • likeness. “Why?” ' “She’s had it two days and hasn’t shown it to any one.” Lawyer’s, Daughter (to student about to propose) “One moment, Mr Popper. Remember, .anything you say will be used against you, ’ ’ ABSOLUTELY'NEUTRAL. “Your daughter seems to have a great many suitors. ” “Yes,'four or five. ” 'F&Z& “Which one does she favour?” “I don t know. She to be (observing an absolute neutrality.” HE WOULD TAKE HALF, “Give me a copy'’ of ‘Antony and Cleopatra,’ please,” said the bright young man entering the book store. “Yes, sir, ” said the clerk. “Here you are. One dollar and fifty cents.” “I’ve only got seventy-five cents, so nust give me ‘Cleopatra.’ ” CLASSIFYING HIM. “I want a pair of socks for my husband, ’ ’ announced the determined looking lady. “ Yes’m,” replied the clerk; “what uumberijpleaae?” Tiie shopper glared at him. “I didn’t know that it’s any of jour business,” she said, “but he is Number Three.” THE REASON WHY. They had been having a few words. And Mrs Blank ended in the uual way. Www 4 T could have married Mr Brown or Mr Jones if I’d wanted to,” she said, bitterly, “and both of these men I refused became rich, while you are still as poor as a church 1 mouse. ” “Of course,” retorted her husband. “I’ve been supporting you all these years—they haven’t!”

OUT FOB DINNER. Dinug at a restaurant in the West End, a Londoner had cause to be very dissatisfied with his fare. It was, in fact, a bad meal —especially when the cost was taken into consideration. ■- He called up a page boy. “Tell the manager I wish to speak to him,” lie said. .... Back came the boy minutes. >afJ . “Sorry, sir, lie said, “the manager lias gone out to dinner. ’ ’ "■—wi-mnw ->•«£> FEELING AT HOME. A gentleman took a friend to an opera. The music, grand as it was, sounded a little nosiy, more especiailj - when the bang of drums and tire crash of cymbals occurred at intervals. But the friend’s face remained unmoved. Gentleman; “Doesn’t this glorious volume of sound affect you?” . “Ob, not in the least,” was the calm reply. “You forget I am a boilermaker.” WHEN HE PREACHED. A certain clergyman, who is not always quite so careful as lie should be in making ids teaching and Iris practice correspond, was telling some friends the story .of an adventure ho once had. It was a pretty “tall” story, and the clergyman’s daughter of ten yvas observed to bo listening to it very Intently. When lie had finished she fixed her eyes very intently on his face and said, gravely - “Father, is that true, or are you preaching now?” SHE KNEW WHAT WAS WORSE, “Jeauie” said the stern old Scot parent, it’s a verra solemn thing to be marrit. ” “I ken that woel, feyther,” said the lassie; but ’tis a deal solemner , not to be. ”

KNEW WHAT THE LAWYER WOULD DO. An old negro was charged with chicken stealing, and the judge said ; “Where’s your lawyer, uncle?” “Ain’t got none, Jedge. ” “But you ought to have one,” returned the court. “I’ll assign one to defend you. ’ ’ “No, sab, no, sah, please don’t do dat,’’ begged the defendant. “Why not?” persisted the judge. “It won’t cost you anything. Why don’t you want a lawyer?” “ “Well, Ah’ll tell yo’, Jedge,” said the old man confidentially. “Ah wants ter euj’y dem chickens mahself. ” AND HEL’L GET IT TOO. “What is your greatest wish?” asked the romantic lady of the youth who was just about to take his final examination in medicine. “My greatest wish,” said the practical youth, “is to put ‘Dr.’ before my own name and ‘Dr.’ after the names of other people. ” IT SOUNDED THAT WAY. “Tommy,’’said his mother suspiciously as her small son came down stairs, “did you take a bath?” “No, ma, I didn’t, ” was ;the innocent answer; “is one missing?”