BULLS AND BLUNDERS.

Rangitikei Advocate and Manawatu Argus, Volume XXXII, Issue 8910, 2 September 1907, Page 4

BULLS AND BLUNDERS.

A “bull” is a statement winch contradicts itself amusingly. A “blunder” necessarily implies carelessness, ignorance, or stupidity. So writes Mr Marshall Brown m a preface to “Humour of Bulls and Blunders,” a budget of funniosities, of which the following are samples

THE INDIAN CLIMATE. “India,” said an army officer, to a [ friend on his arrival at Calcutta, “is the finest climate under the sun; but a lot of young fellows come out here, and they drink, and they oat, and they drink, and they die, auc then they write home to then parents a pack of lies, auc. say it. the climate that has killed them. A PATHETIC APPE \L TO THE JURY.-

Pathetic plea of ail frish attorney, defending a prisoner; Gentlemen of the jury, think of his poor mother —bis only mother. A VERY CLEAR CASE. In sentencing a prisoner convicted of stealing from his ernployci. Sergeant Arabin said: ‘ ‘ Prisoner at the bar, if over there ;'was a clearer case than this of a man robbing his master, this case is that case. CURTAIN. First Stranger: Slow, isn’t it? Second Stranger; Yes, very. : First Stranger : Let’s go homo. Second Stranger; I can’t; Im the host. CORRECTING THE PROFESSOR. A college professor, who prides himself on his correct English, heard iiis wife remark: “I intend to n teu Jane to bring a fresh bucket of water.” “You doubtless mean a bucket of fresli water,” corrected the professor. “I wish you would pay some attenticn.to your rhetoric. Your mistakes are curious.” A tow mouths later the professor said: “My dear, that picture would show to better advantage it you wore to hang it over the clock.” Ab, she replied finitely, “you doubtless mean if I were to hang it above the clock. If were to hang it over the clock, we could not toll the time, I wish you would bo more careful with your rhetoric, my dear, your mistakes ;'are curious.” Aud the professor 'all at once became very interested in the book lie was reading. AN IRISH EPTAPH. Here lies John Higley, Whose father and mother Were drowned in their passage from

America. Had they both lived, They would have been buried boro. ENGLISH, IRISH. AND SCOTCH. It was an Irishman who remarked that “a stone coffin ’nd last a man a lifetime;” aud another, who said to his children, “Yc pays no more attention to me than if I was a dumb baste talking to yoz. ” ; It was a Scotchman, who described a very square aud thick-set man as being “as broad as ho was narrow aud, at a public meeting; gravely propounded a scheme for increasing the British revenue by “laying the dog tax on cats. ” , It was an Englishman who said of Napoleon, “lie might have bscu_ a better man if ho had not boon quite so bad. ” i HEAR, HEAR! Sheridan was one day annoyed by a member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, “Hear, Hear!” During the debate ho took occasion to describe an opponent who wished to plav the rogue, but bad only sense enough to act the fool. “Where,” he cried, with great emphasis, 1 ‘ where shall wo find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?” “Hoar, hear,” shouted the troublesome member as usual; whereupon Sheridan turned round, and thanking the honourable geutleman for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter. MIXED METAPHORS. The Irishman, who said, “Wo will bum all our ships, aud with every sail unfurled, steer boldly out into the ocean of freedom,” was_ more than matched by Justice Minister Hye, who, addressing the Vienna students in the troublesome time of 1818, declared that “the chariot of the revolution is still rolling along, and gnashug its teeth as it rolls.” A Hindu journalist,'commentng on a political disturbance : “We cannot from a distance realise the intensity of the crisis, but it is a certain thing that many crowned heads must bo trembling in their shoos. ’ ’ LOCAL ITEMS. Wo have received a basket of fine grapes from our friend, Mr Tompkins, for which he will please accept our compliments, some of which are nearly two inches in diameter. Wo regret to find : that the announcement of the death of Mr W. is a malicious fabrication. Those who know Mr Wilson,of this place, will regret to fjhear that ho was brutally assaulted last week, but was not killed.