WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 30, Issue 19, 8 March 1918, Page 7

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

EXPERIENCE TEACHES. ■ “Daughter, you. ought not to wear those high-heeled shoes. They will make corns on your feet.” “How do you know, mamma ?” “By experience. I used to wear them when I was a girl.” “Did grandma tell you they would make corns on your feet if you wore them ?” “Yes.” “How did she know ?” “She found out by experience, just as I did.” “Hadn’t she any mamma to warn her against wearing them?” “Oh, yes !” “But she wore them just the same ?” "To be sure.” “And you did, too ?” “Yes ; that is what I was tellinj you.” “Well, if I ever have any (laughter? I ought to be able to give them s warning against high-hcelcCi shoe* from my own experience, oughtn’t I?” Then she put them on.

PLAIN ENGLISH. Podborough’s populace, in an odour of oranges and sawdust, was being stirred to the depths by a travelling theatrical company in “the great London success—‘Ravensmoor.’ ” On the stage the white-haired Lord Ravensmoor, with many murders to his credit, lay a-dying. “This is the end,” he gasped. “1 die wealthy, but hated ; opulent, hoi without a friend ! What news, wiitiff ?” as a scared face appeared at the wings. “My lord,” the intruder gasped “lurid flames emerge from the cabriolet in the courtyard, Disaster ie upon us.” “I fear me, knave,” returned the dying man, “thou bast been over free with the malmsey. Disturb not my last moments with trifling news, but apeak plainly should occasion demand it.. Prithee, whatis’t?” “The cabriolet in the courtyard hath ignited, my lord.” “Tush I Tush ! I understand the« not, varlot.” “Well, George,” came In plainvery plain—English from the wings “at the risk o’ spoiling the blessed show/ your blinkin’ caravan out at the back ifl afire !”

THE TRUMP SUIT. Jones didn’t want to play cards; never had wanted, to play cards i/i his life, and said so. His objections, conscientious and otherwise, wen waved on one side by the red-faced person who was looking for a partner. Jones took his seat at the cardtable. Before they had been playing fifteen seconds Jones and the red faced person took a forty horse-power, dislike for each other. Then the Jones made his first serious mistake. He of the ruddy complexion banged the table., “Why on earth didn’t you follow my lead ?” he shouted. “If there is one man in this world to-day whose odious example I would not follow in any circumstances, you are the man !” retorted Jones, with dignity. After that the jolly pastime proceeded. Then Jones put his foot in it again, and again the rubicund one bashed the table. “Couldn’t you see me calling tor a spade or club ?”, he boomed. “Haven’t you got a black suit, man ?” “Yes, I have,” said Jones, rising from the table, “and I’m jolly wall hanging on to it for your funeral.”

SENT IT HOME. Over the garden fence the conversation had turned to something fax from friendly. “An’ if yore boy ’Brbert ties any more cans to. our pore dog’s tail," was Mrs. Moggin’s stern ultimatum, “ ’e’ll ’ear about it, that’s all. Oh. an’ per’aps you’ve done wiv that saucepan wot you borrowed lasi Monday.” “ ’Erbert,” asked Mrs. Grubb, shrilly, “wot ’ave you bin doin’ to Mrs. Moggin’s dog ?” “Nothin’, ma !” replied the small boy, unblushingly. “There!” said his mother, triumphantly. “An’ you returned ’er saucepan yesterday, didn’t you, dearie ?” “Sent it back by’er dog!" said 'Erbert, calmly.

POST OPPORTUNITY. A couple, well advauced in years, recently got married. But, alas! a dark cloud overhung their otherwise bright prospects. The husband kept one room continually locked up, into which ‘the wife was not allowed to look ou any pretence whatever. At last, however, by a deal of persuasion he was induced to open the door, and revealed' to her astonished gaze a groat pile of whole cheeses. Her curiosity was now greater than ever, so in answer to her appeals for an explanation, he said "Well, ray dear, every time I had a fresh sweetheart I bought a cheese the first time I kissed her.” The newly-wed bride at this wept bitterly. “But,” be said, endeavouring tc console her, ‘T have never bad anything to say to another since I knew you—l give you rny w r ord for that.’ "It’s n-n-not thrvtha-that,” she replied, between her sots. "What, then, is it that causes you such distress ?” he asked. “Why, I-I-I was thin-thin-thinking if I had o-o-only be-be-been as thoughtful as y-y-you, and had bo-bo-bought a 10-10-loaf every time I was ki-ki-kissed by a-a-a fresh man, we mi-mi-might have had te-be-bread and cheese all our lives,”