NOTHING SERIOUS.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 30, Issue 17, 1 March 1918, Page 2

NOTHING SERIOUS.

THE PRICE 1

The great mystery play was just about to start, when the heroine rushed into the manager's office.

“What shall I do ?” she cried “Something awful has happened! My dresser has bunked with the jewels I’m to wear to-night “What’s gone ?” asked the manager very sternly. “Oh,” cried the heroine distressedly, “the diamond tiara, the ruby necklace, and all the diamond rings and gold bracelets !” The manager frowned and pondered. “You must pay for this !” he said. “You were responsible for the jewelchent. I shall deduct two-and-nine-puKc- from your week’s salary !”

NEW TO THE JOB. “Anywhere will do,” said little Mis. Brown. “We only want a cup of tea.” So Mr. Brown led the way into a very second-rate restaurant. Mrs. Brown, being very small, found the chair uncomfortably high. “ Tea and toast ?” asked Mr. Brown. “Yes,” answered his wife, “and toll the waiter to bring me a hassock.” The waiter looked startled, fidgeted about with the cutlery,, and then, turning very red, whispered to Brown : “I—l’m new to the job, sir, and — and would you mind telling me if the lady will have the hassock boiled or fried ?” “SCRATCHED.” Mrs. Muddlehead was worried. She . pondered the wisest course of action for a fortnight, and then consulted a neighbour. “I’m thinking of writing to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals,” she srid. “Why ?” asked the friend. “Weil,” she said, “I’m anxious to find out if anything can be done to prevent horses being scratched. My husband seems to have got the pooE beasts on his brain. He’s awfully upset. He even groans in his sleep? and mutters something about horses being scratched.” /

NOT LOST. < Mr. Rattlepate put down his tea-' cup, and for the fifth time remarked! to his hostess : . “Well, I must be going.” > “Well, don’t let me keep you, Mr. Rattlepate, if you must go,” said hi» hostess hopefully. “Yes, I really must'go,” said Rattlepate, “But believe me, Mrs. Bcarit, I do enjoy a Little chat with you. Do you know, I had quite a headache when I came here, hut now I’ve entirely lost it.” “Oh, it isn’t lost,” said Mrsßearit patiently, “I’ve got it now.”

‘ALP AND ’ALP ! ' After many trials and tribulations, Mrs. Timson had managed to get £. "maid” of sorts. i “Now, Thurza,” said she, "be careful about the water, We only use the well water for drinking, as we have* to pay a man to pump it. The rain' water is good enough for washing upl and so on.” ' j After tea Mrs. Timson asked : “Did you remember about the water, Thurza ?” “Oh, yea, mum !” said Thurza. “i filled the kettle half full of waters from the butt, and the other hals with water from the well. I' thought* the bottom half might as well bd getting hot at the same time for washing up after tea.” ;

IS IT KEPT AT THE 5400?

There was great excitement in thef nursery. Auntie was going to take’them all to the Zoo,

They sot off, and saw almost everything there was to see, but at the end of the day little Jimmy wore look of deep disappointment. ' j “Did we see all the meals ?” he ask-( ed at last. -’

“I think .so, dear,’ 1 ’ answered aun-r tie kindly. “Don’t you remember see£ ing them fed with fish ?” i Tears trickled down Jimmy’s “I did want to see the Red Sea? daddy talks about so much !” he# said.

GOT IT BAD. ■ It was the night of nights. Isabella had said “Yes,” Isabella’s father had said “Yes,” and Isabella’s “young man” was happy. So was Isabella. Minutes ticked away as they sat hand-in-hand, not caring for conversation, blissfully content to sit and sit and sit in each other’s proximity. But suddenly Isabella’s young man became restless. ’He began to twitch and pull fearsome His facial contortions got worse and worse, till at last Isabella got scared and cried : “What is it, beloved ? Tell your Isabella ! Are you subject to fits ?” “No, no ; of course not !” said the young man soothingly. “My yeyeglasses are falling off, and I don’t want to leave go of your lovely little hands !” Gurgles X

ONE FOR M’LADY. The widowed Lady Giveaway walked down the village street bowing graciously to the cottagers whom she loved.to patronise and domineer. She passed Farmer Jacobs, and beamed upon him, but he did not return her greeting. The widow stopped and remarked sternly : “I know you are in trouble, Jacobs, but that shouldn’t prevent you raising your hat to me,” Farmer Jacobs looked at her dully for a second. ‘‘Pardon, MTady,” he said, ‘‘but me. poor wife’s only been dead two weeks, and I ain’t started looking at the women yet !”

SUGGESTIVE. in a certain bachelor was married embers of the Bachelors' Club sur him by sending him as a wedding O. a copy of •* Paradise Lost." A GOOD DISINFECTANT. The best disinfectant, as wed is cheapest, tor poultry yards, closets, drains and collar* ts sulphate of iron, or copperas. Dissolve two ounces in a gallon of water, then use it from the sprinkler freely. PRESENCE OF MIND. Fweddy—Baw Jove, Cholly, when that nasty, ugly dawg twied to bite me 1 just stopped still and looked at him—like this—and, baw Jove, he tuhned wound and wan oft. Wasn't that gweat pwesence of mind ? Cholly—lt was, indeed, ole chappie. Who would have expected to see it in a dog ? FADS OF THE PEERAGE. Lord Rosslyn recently made a bet with Lord Headley that he would eat two pounds of steak and drink a gallon of ale in less time than Lord Headley took to kill and skin a bullock.

The Marquis of Ailesbury, who was once In trade, still affects his costermonger suit on odd occasions, and likes to make a bet that he will sell a barrow of greens as quickly as any hawker in Whitechapel. Lord Gardner lives all the year round in India, and his baroness is a daughter of Prince Mirza Shikoe, a grandson of the late king of Delhi. She is a coffee coloured lady, and enjoys her betelnnt as thoroughly as a nautcb girl. Lord Lisle insists upon smoking a short clay pipe in the streets. He is an Irish peer and not very well off. His dining room walls are adorned with colomed clay pipes, arranged in stars and crosses, all of whichever 500 —have been smoked by his lordship. Lord Newburgh point blank declines to jc either an Englishman or a Scotchman, although he is the tenth peer of his title. He is an Italian citizen, and calls hiinscll Count Bandini —perhaps one of the only instances on record where a man prelers being an Italian count to an English peer. Viscount Taaffe, an Irish peer, positively declines to be an Irishman of any description. He and his father before him were naturalized Austrians, and the country has agreed so well with him that he has risen to the rank of Prime Minister to the Emperor Fran? Josef. He calls himself a count —Count Taaffe. The Duke of Hamilton can be recognised • mile off by his clothes. They are always or She same pattern—very loud check, very baggy trousers, very short coat and a pot hat. He usually has aclozen suits made on the same lines, colour and pattern at the same time, and he regularly, whenever it is possible, changes his garments in the middle of IhS day.

THE THOROUGHBRED HORSE. He was probably (says an American writer) first bred in England for the turl. bait !ht traits which crowned him there soot made him popular everywhere. He was soon found at the front in the chase, in the Stage coach, in the gentleman's carria 0 e and even in the plough, The first importation of thoroughbreds to America was in r 72; end 1730. At various times importations nave been made which formed the basis o' the thoroughbred;, of America. Recent Arabian -importations have been made, but ire not.considered desirable. To maintain ind improve the good qualities of the thoroughbred is a problem which h s beer before the breeders for over 200 years. The law of like begetting like, and the race track have done the work. A horse that ran fast and carried heavy weight, coupled to a mare that could do the same thing, would likely produce a foal with the good qualities of its dam and sire. After years of such trial and breeding the type of the thoroughbred has been fixed as no other breed, for no olhei has had such a long and severe test, or has been bred with such care.

Horse-racing has been licensed in England and America because it was thought ncces sary to develop the horse. It has certainly done this, whatever it may have done for a :ertain class't men who tallow the turf for gambling purposes. It does seem that this might be done and the horse developed with out any of the evil influences which attend it at the ordinary track. It is ar. much tmj duty to make the most ol this gilt of God the horse, as any other. He gave us the horse just as he gives us other things, noin the highest condition, but in a stale which needed development. It is as muc.i out duty to do this as to build railroads or other national improvements. This is a fast age, and the demands.upon us are such that we cannot drive a slow horse. A business man's time is too precious to lose an hour each day by driving a slow team. We are paying too much to tire man who drives out plow to tolerate a slow team. The sun is , too hot in the harvest field for the heavy

horse with his thick skin and poor lungs The machinery must stop for hours each hoi day or you lose such a horse. The stopping of machinery and men in the field means heavy loss. We need a horse for all purposes, with the trai.s of the thoroughbred, but a little more weight than many of them possess. When four-mile races were in fashion our horses had to carry heavy weights, and nothing but strong horses could succeed. If our horses had to carry such weights as they do in Australia, and run long distances, as was once popular in America, it would greatly improve the thoroughbred. It should be remembered that horse racing is licensed only to improve the horse, not for gambling purposes. A four-mile horse with ability to carry weight would have to be large, and he would be the best all-purpose horse in the world. It has been found that weight on the back of a horse, a long track before him, and a spur in his side to urge him to his best, is the most successful way to test a horse in all those essential points which make a good animal. His skin, his lungs, his bones, his muscle and his nervous system all go to make his strength, action, speed and staying qualities. None of these can be seen with the eye with certainty. The bones may be well shaped but porous, and have but little substance. The muscles may be well developed, but, like a loosely twisted string, have no strength. The skin may be sleek and velvety, but without the power to throw offbeat. The lung or chest capacity may be good, and the horse have no wind, because the texture of the lungs is not elastic and tough. Last, but not least, his brain and nervous syste-n may be so sluggish that the horse has no power to move quickly, and has no courage. It will readily be seen that tests of all these things are necessary to the production of a first class breed of horses, and the test? should be made for years and the breeding done with these facts in view. It will readily be b** 1 " also that the thoroughbred is the only horse we now have whose breeding and test have been sufficient to justify any great expectation. The trotting horse is a coming horse, but bis pedigree is too short—there are too many blanks The heavy horse for farm work, even in this climate, does not stand the beat, and is too slow. Near the sea short and for a short time—for his life is short—he may do heavy work; but in my opinion, after a trial of over forty years in a warm < limate, the thoroughbred, crossed with a geod-sizee '.oaimon horse, makes tbe bes- »npurp-*< tnimal