WISE AND OTHERWISE.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 29, Issue 43, 5 June 1917, Page 2

WISE AND OTHERWISE.

A SEASONED QUADRUPED

The nerVous old lady desired a cab, but was very much afraid of hiring one with a horse which might run away. She accosted a cabby whose horse, by. the looks of it, was* more likely to drop dead than to bolt. Said she : “There’s no fear of your horse running away, is there?’’ “Not a bit, mum,” replied the cabby. “He doesn’t shy at motors, does be ?” she asked wearily. “Bless ye, no, lady !” returned the cabby, confidentially. “Why, ’e finin’t even shy at railway trains when they fust came in.” AN EASY WAY OUT. "Well, Inswin, you know I’m going to be married next week?" “So I hear. Bet me congratulate you, old man,” - “That’s all right. Now. what I want is a little advice.” , “What is it ?” i “You see, you’ve been .married quite a while, and I want to know what to call my mothcr-ia-law. I shall have to address my conversation to her sometimes and attract her attention. I don’t know her very well, and maybe she wouldn’t like to have me call her “mother,” and it will seem distant to call her ‘Mrs. dc Pimlico,' How’d yon work it?” “Oh, easy enough. Let me see, the first year I called mine T say,’ principally, but after that I got along all right. Things shaped themselves.’ “What did you call her after that ?’’ “Grandmother,”

J-Toet “'That stupid Baxter has spilled some coflee cn Mrs. Richpln’s frock,’’ Hostess : “Ob, I do hope it’s not spoilt ! ” Host : “She says it’s only an old one.’*’

Hostess : “An old one 1 What impertinence . to wear an old dress at my ‘at homo’ !”

She ; “Why can’t you stay fit homo this evening, Henry ? The manager can surely do without you.’’ He : “I know he can, but I don't want him to find it out.’* 4 Only the fact that his Cold was very severe indeed persuaded Sandy Macgregor to go to the local chemist for advice. “Mon, A’ve an awfu’ cauld,” he said plaintively; “hae ye a guid cure for it ?” “I have,” said the man of drugs, promptly. /'I know of a sovereign remedy.” Sandy backed slowly towards the shop door. “Hoots, awa’, mon !” he said again, anxiously. "D’ye no’ ken yin aboot fowerpence ?” WHAT SAY YOU? “Now,” said the attorney for the defence, "let us take up the bill presented by the plaintiff in this case for alleged services rendered to ray client. I say alleged services, gentlemen of the jury, because these figures show every indication of having been doctored.” “Would it not be better to say lawyered 7” asked an indignant physician who was serving as one of th« jurors, fragrant. Tired Tim sat in his prison cell listless and despondent. “I tell yei I ain’t done nufflng, guv’nor,” h« declared to the prison chaplain ; “1 ain’t hurt a fly.” “Come, come,” said the chaplain, “people don’t get imprisoned for nothing, you know, my man. What was the charge against you ?” “Blessed if I know, guv-nor, s’help me pink if I do. As far as I can make out they put me in here for fragrancy !” AWFUL. * 1 “Did yon have your nails pt/lished by a blonde lady on Tuesday morning ?” asked the attorney. “I decline to answer,” said tlje witness. “Did you not have your hands massaged by the same blonde lady on Wednesday afternoon ?” persisted the lawyer. “I decline to answer,” again said the witness. 9 “Did you not have your nails polished by the same blonde lady oa Thursday ?’’ inquired the lawyer, “I decline to answer,” declared the witness once more. “But why do you refuse to answer sir ?” interrupted the Court. “Because he asks too raanicurious questions !” stated the witness, «n»4 groans. NOT SO GREEN, ■ A squad, wishing to embarrass their new “sub.” (fresh fromJhe O. T.C.), on the command ‘Number,’ proceeded as follows : One ! Twp ! .... Nino ! Tan ! Jack ! Queen } King ! Momentarily nonplussed, the officer soon recovered his presence of mind, and the vats were somewhat disconcerted to hear the order, “Court cards fall out for fatigue.” After that, wit on parade was at a discount. ON HIS OWN HEAD. A book agent obtained-admission to the office of Thomas Edison and assailed him with such an aggregation of arguments in favour of the publication which she represented that the famous inventor very hurriedly subscribed. After a gradual restoration of hie energies, Mr. Edison asked : “How did you ever succeed in mustering such a long and convincing speech as that ?” “Oh, our speeches are taught us at the office,” responded the lady, sweet-' ly, “by means of the phonograph,”