Comic Cuttings.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 10, Issue 46, 16 June 1899, Page 6 (Supplement)

Comic Cuttings.

He : “My views on bringing up a family are ” She : “ Never mind your views, I’ll bring up the family. 'You go and bring up the coal.” A German student, wrestling with the English language, is said, to: havefrendered a text as follows•:—" The ghost is willing, but the meat is feeble.”

“ People talk about presence of mind, when and where most needed, &c.,” said a young physician to a company of older graveyard fillers at Cambridge the other day. “ I can tell where it is most needed.” “"Where?” asked one of.the company with a sneer. "Where ! Why, in a lunatic asylum, of course.” They gave him a diploma.

An old woman, who had a chronic habit of sleeping in church, called at seat-letting time upon the treasurer 6f the congregation. “ I have come to pay for my seat,” she said, laying down her money. “ Yer seat ?” returned the treasurer, who was a bit of a wag. “ Losh, I think, Janet, you mean yer bed.” Mother : “ How did your face get that strained, agonised look in your photograph ? Did the light hurt your eyes ?” Small Son : “ No, ma. The man told, me to try to keep, still, an’ I did.” , ■

Wilkie : “ I suppose you’re goln’ to church merely to show off your new bonnet.” Mrs. Wilkie (sweetly) : “ Not that entirely.. I’m wantin’ to see the bonnets the ither women hev as weel.”

Oculist (to countryman) : “Well, what can Ido for you ?” Countryman :” If you please, sir, I want ye to pull a tooth out.” Oculist : “My good man, you must go to a dentist. My business concerns the eye only.” Countryman : “ Well, sir, it’s an eye tooth !”

Blanche: “Isabel, what has put you in such a bad humour ’’’ Isabel : “ Why, •I’ve just had a< communication from Jack, and he writes such a horrid hand that I can’t tell whether it is a proposal, an Easter carol, or that cure for chilblains he promised to send me.” Mistress (to Scotch servant) : “ Janet, I fear my mind’s beginning to go.” Janet (who has not a high opinion of her mistress’s mental powers) : “ I wadna say, mum : but there’s ae consolation, it hasna far to gang.”

, Author : “ Help me out with this. I don’t want to say her cheeks were as red as a rose.” Friend : “ Say they were as red as her nose.” ,

Various animals lend their mite to make up English words—e.g,, man-age-ment, dog-matism, cat-egpry, chronology, duc-tility, and rat-lflcation. Mr. Mumblechook (singing) : “ Bid me good-bye and go——” Miss Effle Sharp: “ If you’re going to sing It like that on the night they won’t stop to bid you good-bye.”

No Change.—“ Well, doctor, how do you find my mother-in-law to-day ?” “ She’s much better, but her tongue’s bad.” “It always was.”

Friends.—Eva : “ Is it true that Captain Woolley kissed you in the Conservatory last night ?” Marion : “ Certainly not! I should Just like to see him try such a thing.” Eva ;“ I quite believe you, my deal’.”

Promising, Boy.—“ I’m afraid you’ll never learn much at this rate. Now -today we’ll change places ; you’ll be mother and I’ll be Tommy.” “Me be mother !" “ Yes ; you are'mother, and now for lessons.” “ G>li,, as 'you’re such a good little girl you can go and play—there will be no lessons to-day.” A Question of Terms.—Miss Pitz-Hyde (in quest of an engagement) : “ What salary ? Well, eighteen - guineas a week.” Manager : “ Take off the odd pounds and I’ll engage you.” They closed.

Clara : “ I wonder if It is true that one is likely to catch something from being kissed.” Maud :“ Of course not. You’ve been kissed enough, but you haven’t caught anything yet, have you ?’*

Tommy ; “Do you say your prayers every night?” Jimmy; “Yep.” “And does your maw say hers ?” “ Yen:”' “ And does your paw ?” “ Naw. Paw ■don’t need to. • It’s almost daylight when he gets to bed.”

“Ob mamma,” cried five-year-old Dorothy, “ I’m just as full of glory as 1 can be !” “ What do you mean ?” inquired her mother with natural surprise. “ Why-ee,” said Dorothy, “ there was a (sunbeam right on' my spoon, and I swallowed it with my oatmeal, piamma!”

“And you reject my offer ?” he said to her intensely. “ You refuse to be the one woman in all the world to me ?’’ “ I’m afraid so,” she confessed rather kindly, for she meant well. “Then I have but one thing to say to you, madam,” he said, reaching for his hat. “I am sure you have my permission to say that. What is it ?” He drew himself up to his full height. “ There are others,” he replied, haughtily, and passed out of the game.