Humor For The Holidays

Poverty Bay Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18279, 23 December 1933, Page 13

Humor For The Holidays

“LIOW is your wife enjoying her Mediterranean cruise/’ ‘ ‘>Vell, she writes from every port she touches, and touches me from every port "she' writes from.” * •* * * “Has your wife changed very much since you married her?” “Yes—my habits, my friends, aud my hpurs.” * * tr * Old Lady (in London): “Isn’t it wonderful how a single policeman can dam the flow of traffic?” Boy : “ V es, grannie, but you should have heard the ’bus drivers!” > ■' - ' * # # * A young actor had been entrusted •with the "lines: “The king is dead. Long live the king! ” When the supreme moment came, however, nervousness caused him to lose his head. He paraphrased his words: “Long live the king! He’s dead.” • • * * * “I wish my wife would not live beyond our rndphs. “Why sqes she do it?” “Just to impress the neighbors who live beyond their means just to impress ifs.” Mrs. X<?WF.ed: “ Jphn, when wo were first married you used always to say grace beforo meals; you never do it now.” Yearwcd: “lam not so much afraid of your cooking now. ’ ’ Crystal Gazer: “I see—l see a buried treasure —” Client: “Yes —never mind It’s probably my husband’s first wife. I know all about her/” < * * * # A milkman placed in his window a card inscribed:- <:£ Milk from Contented Cows/’ A neighboring butcher, not to be also ;bad a card 311 his window. Ills'card read: ‘‘ Sausages from Pigs that Died Happy. ” '*' > * * * He: “Each hour I spend with you is like a pearl to me.”' She: '* ‘Aw, quit stringing me. ” .* ,* .9 * “ Yqu remember when you cured my rheumatism a couple of years ago,” asked the patient; “and you told me thht I should avoid dampness?” “Yes, that’s right,” .replied the doctor, approvingly. “Well,' I’ve' come to ask you if I can tsjke ; a frp-tfa.” At a theatre one evening a man seated in the stalls fell asleep while the curtain-raiser was being played. When ih’e main piece cgtne on his daughter nudged hini and whispered, “Charley’s Aunt.” “Bless me, so it is! ” cried the plan, ns he .rose and shook hands vigorously with a old lady who happened nt the moment to be passing in front of him. “How do you do; madam? And how is Charley?” The .ggidwife: “Na, meenister, my man hhs never spoken an ill-tempered wor the pie. ” Mjmster: “ f sc>od man, so considerate/’ Tl\e gui(lwi : fe: “Considerate! Na, only cautious.” ' i ! * * * * Two blpo bottles wore walking over a map’s .bald head. One was very old, the other was very young. Old Bluebottle (with an experienced. *lir): “Well, my son, I can remember When there was only a pathway adross here!” ™

“I suppose this rain will do a lot of good?” remarked the vicar to an Irish gardener he found at work. “You’re roight, so.rr,” ho replied. “Shure, an hour ov it will do more good in foive minutes than a month ov it would do in a typek at any other toime.” « « • • | A Scotsman in Canada met a fellow countryman who exclaimed with delight: “Gio me yer haun, man. I, too, come fra Scotia! \Vhat part o’. ■ the auld ,lggd d’ye conic fra?” I “I comb fra Aberdeen.” “Well, gio us yer ither haun!” j seizing it as he spoke. ‘ ‘ The last man I met fra Aberdeen pinched ma j watch.” I Name. | Son: What does the word “chauffeur” mean? I Bather: That is the name given to I the. driver of a motor car. Son (after a moment’s thought): i That was not the name you gave to * the driver of the car that nearly raß over you yesterday. Deserve It. In Scotland a “small” whisky is called “a half.” At a fpptball match, a cup-tie in which the play was of the most strenuous order, a Scotsman took his wife to the grandstand. I It was her first experience of the game, j At the .end of the first 45 minutes the ( players trooped off the field. | “What’s happening now?” asked the lpdy. “jtt’s half-time,” explained her husband. /‘They certainly deserve one,” agreed the lady. And That’s Running Low. [ If authorities wish to tax what people hayc most of they plight try a luvy on patience. Junior Humor IJAIKDItESSE.K (selling customer a ■ # bottle of hair-restorer): JBe" careful not to take tho cork out of tho bottle with the teeth, sir, unless you 'want to grow a moustache ! * * * Diner (examining tho menu): — There’s nothing fit to eat here —absolutely pathing! Bring me the manager. J ;Waiter (under notice, anyway): Very good, sir. How would you liko him—fried or grilled? * * * # “yhe teacher was tolling us to-day ‘about some sea creatures which belong (to the lowest stages of development. I have forgotten their names.” “It must have been sardines; they haven ’t even heads. ’ ’ • * * * “Give a poor blind man a shilling, sir. ” “But you aro only blind in ono eye. ’ ’ ' ‘.‘Give nie sixpence, then.” * tr » * Auntie: “Well, Willie, I’m going homo to-morrow! Aren’t you sorry?” Willie: “Yes, Auntie, I thought it was to-day.” # # * # Wliat is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its root upward? An icicle. * * » « Parent: Do you find that Jack works hard. He likes doing nothing beftbr. *■.«**

A Christmas Custom J7VERY year on Christinas Day tho Boar’s Head ceremony takes place in the hall of Queen’s College, Oxford. This, so tbo story goes, is to celebrate the memory of an undergraduate of the college in the Middle Ages who was attacked by a boar on Skotovor Hill and overcame it by thrusting the book lie was reading down its throat.

The boar’s head, bedecked with bay and rosemary, is carried in on a massive silver dish, while the college choir sing the carol, Caput apri defero (Tho boar’s head I bear). Tho provost of the college then distributes the bay and rosemary among the choirboys and visitors, after which the head is borne away to become tho first course at High Table dinner. Each Fellow of the college and each servant receives a portion afterwards, aud the remainder is then made into brawn, some of which used to be sent up till quite recent times to the Royal Household.