CROWNER’S QUEST.

Patea Mail, Volume VI, Issue 520, 15 May 1880, Page 2

CROWNER’S QUEST.

HIRE G ULAR PROCEEDINGS. An Effigy having been discovered in Patea, at a late hour on Wednesday night under circumstances of grave suspicion* and her Majesty’s Coroner feeling indisposed, the Sanitary Inspector consulted the Mayor, who referred him to the Beadle. That functionary declined to aft, even in a matter of emergency, until his fee was paid down. He said ho would take it in coin or in kind. Being asked what kind, lie said “ Long-sleevers.” It was pointed out to him that in tin: event of the Parish disallowing his fee, he would have a lien on the Efiigy. lie said he would rather have the " long-slccvcrs,” but ho would take a lion —hot!

A jury having been summoned, and having assembled on Thursday at I lie Halbiou o’Tcll, the Beadle remomhe-ed at the last moment time lie would require a Coroner. He said uo one hut a Coroner was qualified to sit ou au Efiigy. A Native Commissioner entered the jury-room at that moment in search of an umbrella ; and the diflicu'ly being explained to him, he consented to act as Coroner, having previously held that office in another part of the colony. The Beadle asked him to take the usual oath.

The N. 0. declined taking any more oaths, having done too much swearing in his official capacity. ■ The Beadle : Then you consider yourself sworn? N. C.: 1 do. '

Beadle: Then : we can hopen tbe proceedings. The Beadle wont to the door and called “ O Yes ! 0 Yes ! 0 Yos !” Mr OTell : What are j’ou shouting for? Beadle : I’m shouting for her Majesty’s lieges. Mr O’Tcll : Very well, let them come to the bar, and I’ll charge the shot to you. The Coroner then swore-in the jmy, by fours ; and when they bad all been “ put through,” an observer quietly remarked that the book they had been kissing was not the- regulation volume, but a copy of Miss Broughton’s new story, “ Not Wisely, but Too Well.” [This lapsus may involve an extra-judicial investigation.] The Coroner : Now, gentlemen of the jury, your first duty will bo to appoint a foreman.: While the jury .were lajing their beads together, the Coroner said : Bring in the remains. Beadle : There’s only half a glass, your Waslmp. Coroner : The remains, I said, sir. Beadle : Oh, you mean the, Heffigy ? Coroner: Of course I’mean the Heffigy; Don’t you know your duty,’ sir ? Beadle : Amen. : Foreman of the Jury : We have agreed, your Honor. Coroner : Address me Worshipfully, if you please. Now*: Mr' Beadle- show the remains to the panel. Beadle : Which is Mr Parnell, your Waslmp ? Coroner ; Why; you Heffigy ! the jury are the paid, non campus mentis. Beadle: 0, yes;-that’s what the Judge said. Coroner : What Judge, sir? Beadle :. The Judge who tried me. , Cbfoher : Ah, tlikCs it. _ I thought' ’the’ cut of your hair was-peculiar. Zh V li.'V n/ / >: -

Beadle:’ But's I ava? acquitted,! tfijir Wa.ainiji;, v |Si I : js |H j feGqrorier: After siy-months}, f.anppoa^ Be'(iclle;i Only! tour montiiois your! WashV:-:fv i;.; \ m Coroner ; Very, well.;-, you Had carcfdbvThis is.a.matfer of life and r 4<taffc This is a case of suspicion, f'“don’t "say the suspicion points to you exactly, ns yet ; but the jury will note your admission, and givuklue weight to it The jurors’ examined the “remains," which were placed around the table in several medical phials-known as tumblers. The Foreman: Have these “ remains " been examined by a medical man ? Beadle : They are the remains of a medical man. Coroner : How do you know, sir? The remains are in evidence, and can' Speak for themselves. ■ . Foreman : Then we should like, to have Remains called. Coroner : I have called them “remains" already. A juror: “ Them remains ” is not grammatical, Co roner : I have not. come here to conjugate with indefinite articles. Another Juror : I hope the Coroner is not a conjurer. Coroner : I conjure you to be quirt, sir, and attend to the evidence. The Juror ; I have disposed of my “ remains,” and am ready for another. Give it a name.

Coroner : We have not come to the name yet. It. is for the jury to enquire whether these are or are not the remains of a human being. IE not the latter, then our proceedings will be null and void, ipso facto, meruit ferat, pro hono pahlich.oitso. A Juror: Hear, Hear. Beadle : Silence in Court! Coroner : There appears to be a scarcity of D.Q.M.P.’s in this district. Beadle : There is a D.T. outside the Court, your Washup, if that will do. Coroner ; Let the D.T. be called. Tbe Beadle called aloud at the door : MrOTeli, bring a D.T. for the Coroner I Mr O’Tell : Hot or cold ? Coroner : This is too hot altogether. What I said was that there is or appears to be a scarcity of a particular entity technically called a D.Q.M.P., and I am offered a non-entity called a D.T. This latter article is too shaky for onr present purpose, and might be a subject for separate official inquiry. I will take upon me to exercise the prerogative of my olice, and do hereby call upon and appoint, nolens miens, Professor Nux Vomica, travelling herbalist and peripatetic horse-leech, to make a post-mortem examination of the remains now before the Court, and to report and give evidence thereon. Professor Nnx Vomica : Thank your Worship. But what about my professional fee ? lal ways charge for examining a subject, human or equine, alive or dead. Coroner : Your fee, sirrah ! Do not come before this Court with your Fee— Fo—Fmn. _ Do your duly, and look to posterity for your reward. Professor Nux : I would rather sec the color of Mr Posterity’s money, before addressing myself to these remains.

Coroner : That is a matter of detail Do your duty, ami take the oath.

Professor : I took the oalli outside—in fact, several. ■ Coroner :.That will do. Now, Mr Professor, what remains do you call these? Professor : I should say the}' are the remains of a Johannus Assimis. Juror : A what ?

Professor : In speaking scientifically, I never address myself to the meanest capacity. Juror : Then shut up. Beadle: Silence in Court!

Coroner: Describe to the jury the nature, character, condition, genus, variety, species, sex, age, et hoc genus oinnes , etcetera.

Professor : Exactly ; that is language which a scientific mint can understand. It is not vulgar. It is precise, parallelogramniatic, and therefore indispensable to strict definition.

Coroner : I sec you take me. Very good. Now atiemles votes. Yon say tiiese are the remains of an Ass-What’s-liis-Namc ? Professor : An ascetic, v Jmoi : ‘Now we’re coming to:it. Keep on that tack.

Professor : The subject, in life, has evidently been extremely abstemious. The condition of the cerebellum shows there must have been a strong determination of blood to the head, which becoming supercharged with that fluid, a state, of serious apoplexy must have supervened, precipitating the laclnymose secretions, which consequently found exit through the capillary ducts, producing fatty degeneration of the adipose tissues, and lodging in the region of the diaphram, causing distension of the midriff, and inducing congestion of the rectum.

Coroner : And upon this, I suppose, the medulla oblongata would become more or less carte blanche.

Professor ; Very much so. In fact the subject would be liable, in certain conditions of atmosphere, to feel an irritating diyncss in the region of the thorax. Coroner : Just the port I was coming to. It is in the thorax that the humors of the system would concentrate, and the subject would feel a burning thirst?

Professor : It could not be otherwise. Coroner : And what would be likely to ensue upon that ? ~, , Professor: The subject would be liable to a wet form of diabetes.

Coroner ; Swallowing anything ? Professor : Swallowing any and everything. Couldn’t help himself. Coroner : Tell the jury what that disease is called.

Professor : It is known medically as Diabetes agualicus cum Whiskianibus. Foreman : I will make a note of that.

Coroner ; Quite right. It has a very important bearing on this mysterious case. A juror : But what did the What’s-his-Namc die of ?

Coroner ; We are coming to that. We must first determine that these are dead remains ; then ascertain the genus of the animal ; and lastly you will be asked to say how that animal, in your opinion, came by its death. Professor : Death has resulted in this case from suspensio circulatianimus. Coroner-: Good.: Allow me to compliment you on the lucidity, I may say pellucidity, of 3’our evidence in this complex case, I may say, iilanum pikesfaffium cat. Beadle ; Silence in Court! Foreman : There is the burning of these remains to account for. Coroner : Exactly. That is most material. These remains appear to have been consumed. A Juror: Then we shall have to bring in a verdict of consumption. Professor : Speaking medically, these remains appear to have been calcined. Coroner: Charred. . Professor: I say calcined. Theintegumentmn has been dissolved into the ultimate gases, leaving the ossiferous structure dislocated, disjointed, and in parts disintegrated. Coroner : Is there any trace of echymosis ? ~ . T Juror: Hekkewhat? 1 i ; Coroner : Echymosis, sir, - M

Juror ; Hekke Moses—oh, yes, the ole do’ man. Beadle : Silence, there! 1 Professor; There has been extensive ’ecbymosis, in parts, and particularly in the throat. Coroner: How was that caused ? Professor: I find a stoppage there of old standing. A Juror: Old who ? Coroner: It is a technical term, gentlemen, and moans longxnn standatum more suo. - Foreman; Wait while I-get that down. Professor: There are distinct traces of an oath sticking in the throat. Foreman: Only one. Professor: One, but very large and long. Coroner: Do you detect any traces of aberration in the cerebellum ? Professor Strongly ’defined traces. There appears to have been partial dislocation: of the occipital bone; and a post mortem diagnosis §ecins to show —but this is a hypothesis—that the deceased subject came to Ids death by fcfo de se. Foreman: Fell o’er the sea? I’ll set that down. But wouldn’t that put out the fire ? Beadle: The firemen did that. Corouer: Your evidence is extra-judicial, and supererogatory. Your remarks on this case tend to show that you are the person who ought to bo at the bar. Beadle : Thank your Wasbup, I’ve wanted to go to the bar several limes. Coroner: Silence, sir. Is theie evidence of the finding of the body—l mean these remains ? Beadle: I found them, your Wasbup. Coroner: I suspected as much. Now, sir, tell the jury how, whore, when, and why you found these remains. Beadle: I saw’er a large bla/.e on Tuesday night, after taking my night-cap at the Halbion, Coroner : Now be careful. You said taking your night-cap. Beadle: I fake it reg’lar. Foreman; Let mo get that down—- “ Takes it rcg’lar.” Beadle: An’ I runs to the Fire Bell, but somebody had taken the rope, and the ladder was not long enough.

Coroner: It will be your duty to lay an information against the rope. A Juror; P’raps diseased had taken the rope. Coroner: That will be a separate charge. Beadle: Then I runs back to the lire, and there was a mob of firemen Coroner: A qmsse of firemen would be correct. Beadle: A posey of firemen was flinging buckets of water on the lire. Foreman: How does ho know it was water ? Beadle: Well, it’s a long while since I tasted water, but I don’t think them men would throw whisky away like that. Coroner: Presumably it was water—aqua non ichisl'iana —but there is no evidence before the court. Beadle: And tiie Heffigy was hissing and spluttering. Coroner: Any words made use of by the Effigy would be evidence. Beadle: There was loud shouting and hurrahing. Coroner: Can you swear that the Effigy hurrahed ? Beadle: No, your Washup ; the Himage said nothink that I knows of. Coroner: Let the Himage be called. Beadle : He is here. Them’s the Himage on the table. Coroner ; Oh, you mean the remains. You should be careful. I cautioned you before. Beadle: I beg parding, your honor’s Washup. Coroner : This being all the evidence, the jury will now consider their verdict. Foreman : We should like to ask the medical Professor one question. He has heard the Beadle state that the deceased was on fire.

Coroner : He said the diseased, although I cautioned him to be careful* Foreman : And the Beadle said he was on fire. We should like to know how he got on fire. Coroner: Let the Professor be recalled. Professor : This fire throws a new light on the subject, an ignis fatui.s Coroner : Just so. Foreman : I have put that down.

Professor : And the cause of the fire now ramifies into a labyrinth of hypotheses. Foreman : And did he die from the labyrinth. Coroner ; Not too fast, gentlemen. You must hear evidence, and upon that you must base a verdict. It is not for the learned Professor to say what that verdict should be. A Juror : But if ho knows, why shouldn’t be tell us ? Coroner : I can only say, gentlemen, that the law requires you to find a verdict for, of, with, and by yourselves. Non solatium concubinum lex talionis. Foreman : Very well ; “ lex till he owns it.” Got that down. Coroner : There has been combustion, and a wilncss says there has also been fire. Putting these two causes together, wiiat would be the effect on the corpus ? Foreman; What corpse? Coroner: The corpus vile, sir. Professor: The effect would be a conglomeration of the heaveir corpuscles, accelerated by valvular tremulosis of the left ventricle, and the subject would have a tendency to flare up. Juror: Yon mean bust up? Professor: I said flare, sir. “ Bust ” is not a medical term. Coroner: “ Bust ” is strictly artistic, and in speaking of the “ bust,” the juror doubtless meant the torso. Juror: I meant busting up—reg’lar exploding. Coroner: I catch your idea. The deceased “ went off.” Ju ,- or: That’s it.

Professor: Looking again at these remains, I observe traces of some foreign substance in the Interregnum. Coroner: Is it an ipsi dixit? Professor: There is some resemblance in color. •: - ■

Foreman: IM repe that down. “ Hipsy Dixy, colored.” Pro'essor: And I have now little doubt that the subject died of ignis /aims on the brain.

Juror; Did that burn him to death? Professor: It would have a tendency in that direction, reglum donum rolivlvus. Coroner: Just so ; it would result in spontaneous combustion, ad hoc. Professor: Hypothetically, it might do so. •'

Foreman: Burnt to death with spontaneous combustion.

Coroner: He said hypothetically* which I take to be an important qualification. Foreman: We can add that, as a recommendation, after the verdict. ; Coroner: Very good. Now, gentlemen, yon will please to consider;your verdict. Beadle: Will they want drinks? Coroner: We disposed* of that before, and can now only receive new matter; otlierwi,se the evidence is closed, and the jury have to consider their verdict. Let the jury be locked up without food, fire, or light, till they, are agreed. ~ . Juror:-CaH we’not have drinks ?

Coroner: The Jaw is silent on the subject, and we must take it to be a non jmsumtis. Juror: Tliat’s a liqueur I never tried, and if tiie law allows nothing else, nil I can say is, the law’s a blooming Hidiot, , Coroner: Am I to take that as your verdict, gentlemen ? Foreman: Wait a minute. I want to read over my notes to them. Coroner: Then you had better retire. Or perhaps it will be as well if yon remain, and I will go and speak with Mr O’Tell, while the Foreman reads his notes to yon. The jury conferred six minutes, and the Coronar being recalled (from his medicine) the Foreman delivered the following verdict: — “ We find the remains are those of an animal, name unknown, and that the deceased came by his death through excessive spontaneous combustion, brought on hypothetically. Tin- jury wish to add, in a rider, that grave suspicion rests on the D.U.M.P. who attended, or refused to attend, in this case.”