Editor's wallet

Otago Witness, Issue 4074, 12 April 1932, Page 75

Editor's wallet

AMBIGUOUS. "At times my wife tries to be an angel.” “ When she wants something, eh ? ” “No—when she’s driving the ear.” EASY LIFE. Next to a bntter knife, nothing in the average home (says a humorist) shows less wear and tear than the family Bible. THE DOOR. 1 our love is like a well-warmed room Into which I creep to sit And rest awhile in deep content When shaded lamps are lit. And when you turn your face from me A door is shut, it seems, And I am outside in the cold Of loneliness and dreams.

But there I’ll wait still close to you, r And faith shall be the key To turn the lock and open wide That door again to me. A. M. F., in Tit Bits. WILLIE’S PLEA. Alother : “ Have you anything to say before I punish you ? Thi s is going to hurt me worse than you, Willie.” Willie : “ Well, as long as you haven’t done anything wrong, ma, why don’t you let yourself off ? ” ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART. His fingers strayed over the keyboard, Nigh to the close of day. The sounds of his making brought reverie And longings for one far away. His finger 6 strayed idly and slowly; Came dreams of her young face so fair, Her sweet lips and peach-like complexion, Her blue eyes and fair shingled hair. He longed for the hour of their meeting, Mourned for the time she had stayed— For his typist was on her vacation, And, of course, all his work wa s delayed. THERE’S ALWAYS SOMETHING. "To whom are you married now ? ” asked an inspector of one of the inmates of an asylum who was always imagining he was married to some celebrated person or other.

“ The devil’s daughter,” was the answer. “ That’s a strange selection,” said the inspector.

“ No,” replied the lunatic, “ she’s a very nice girl and manages the house well.”

“ I’m glad you are so happy,” said the inspector.

“Well,” said the patient, “most pleasures have their drawbacks. The trouble is that I find her old folks very difficult to get on with I ” COULDN’T TELL. Boss:“How long do you want to be away on your honeymoon ? ” Bookkeeper (timidly): “Well, sir—er —how long would you say ? ” Boss : “ How do I know. I haven’t seen the bride.” SOLVED.

It was a happy day for Algy when, after a courtship of many years, he sat at the wedding breakfast beside his bride. Unfortunately, he was of a very shy temperament, but on this momentous occasion his nervousness was painful. The long table was lined with admiring and criticising friends, one of whom rose to propose the health of the bride and bridegroom. But the climax came when the bridegroom rose to respond. “ On this —er —this—er—most suspicious —-auspicious occasion,” he jerked out, “ I feel ” —a long and embarrassing pause—- “ I feel too full for words.” Having concluded this brilliant bit of oratory, he sat down again. “ There you are I I told you so I ” piped Algy’s new brother-in-law to his school chum, in a voice audible to all. “ That’s where all the jelly went ! ” HE KNEW. “ Hadn’t you better go and tell your master ? ” said the motorist to the farmer’s boy, who stood looking at the load of hay which had been upset in the lane. “ He knows,” replied the boy. “ Knows ? How can he know ? ” asked the motorist. “ ’Cos he’s under the hay ! ” explained the boy. WHAT AUNTIE DID. One of our members was talking the other day upon his favourite subject of conversation, the Dartmoor riot —a subject we now consider a trifle passe (says an exchange). One of the younger members said scornfully—if untruthfully, “ Oh, don’t talk to me about the Dartmoor riot. It was nothing compared with the rugger match between Wales and Scotland. My aunt in Edinburgh took one look at the game and then rang up the police.” CENSORED. Air Sydney W. Carroll, the critic, told a gathering of the Critics’ Circle the other day that, of 53 plays which he saw in America, he doubted if ten would have been passed by the censor in England. Is this why immigration into the States has to be so severely restricted? NOT RESPONSIBLE. Alistress (indignantly): Just look at the dust on this sideboard, Alary. It’s at least six weeks old.”

Alary (calmly): Then it ain’t nothing to do with me, mum. I’ve only been here four weeks.

SOCIETY NEWS. A nervous young curate had to discourse upon the vicissitudes of Jonah and the whale. “ And for three days and three nights,” he began, “Jonah was in the ” He blushed, stammered, stopped, and then started again. “ For three days and three nights Jonah was in the ” Once more he was covered with confusion, and stopped and mopped his face with his handkerchief. Then he gathered his courage and with a mighty effort he finished triumphantly: “And for three days and three nights Jonah was in the society of the whale.” BUSINESS FIRST. He had wandered into a big Regent Street store, and in a moment was surrounded by shop-walkers. “ What is your pleasure, sir? ” they asked in unison.

He was rather embarrassed. . “ Er—er—well, my pleasure is fishing,” he replied, hesitatingly, “ .but I—er—rather wanted a new hat.” TOLD AT A BURNS DINNER. , An Englishman having gone to Scotland for the salmon fishing set forth on morning with his boatman gillie. It was a sparkling springlike morning and the sportsman, looking about the valley-, quoted fervently, “I to the hills will lift mine eyes.” “ Aye, aye, sir,” said the boatman, “ he was a grand poet, Rabbie Burns.” THE CROWD. AA’hen the centenary of the death of tile poet Crabbe was commemorated at Trowbridge recently there was a large gathering in the church where Crabbe had been rector for 18 years. After the ceremony and when tiie crowd was dispersing, one gentleman said: “I wonder what would astonish Crabbe most if it were possible for him to be here to-day? ” And his friend replied: “The fact that his name attracted a bigger crowd to the church to-day than ever it did when he was alive.” THEY ALL WANTED TO. Ihe Scottish Nationalist Party is actively engaged in Home Rule propaganda at present, and one speaker, an earnest gentleman with no intention to be funny, recently said in the end of a peroration: “I want you to think Scot--9.’. huy Scottish, to eat Scottish, and drink ...” A hearty roar of laughter concluded the address. NO MORE. The new manager of the big city bank was be’ng introduced to the employees. During his tour of the offices he met brown, an assistant cashier. “Mell,” asked the manager, “how long UY?.'. 011 keen with the company?” Ihirty years, sir,” Brown politely replied.

“That's very good service,” went on the chairman. "Yes, sir. - agreed Brown, “and during all that time I've only made one slight mistake.” "Excellent.'” said the manager. “'Allow me to congratulate you. But henceforth be more careful.” OBEYING ORDERS. Bristow showed obvious surprise on meeting Alartin. “ I heard you had been arrested,” he said. “ What was it for?” “Just for obeying the wife.” Alartin explained. H’m.” sniffed Bristow, “ that's rather a silly statement to make.” “ Nevertheless, it’s the truth,” said Alartin. with sonic warmth. “My wife told me to drive straight home without stopping, and the traffic policeman caught me passing the automatic street lights when the signal was at ‘ stop.’ ” WHAT ANGERED HIM. “ Have you anything to say before sentence is passed? ” inquired the judge of the convicted burglar. “ The only thing I’m kicking about,” replied the burglar, glaring with open scorn at the chief w’itness against him, “ is being identified by a man that kept ’is ’ead under the bedclothes the ’ole time I was in the room.” NOT THE RIGHT SORT. “ Had any Leap Year proposals from the fair sex yet? ” asked inquiring Egbert”. “Yes, one.” replied Bob. “It came from my landlady’s daughter.” “Lucky man!” put in Egbert. “What did she say? ” Bob made a grimace. “AVell, it was like this.’ he commenced. “ She keeps the books for her mother. One day last week she came to me and proposed that I pay up my arrears of rent or leave the boarding-house.” A PUZZLE FOR PAT. Pat, the Irishman, was buying a clock. .“ This,” said the persuasive assistant, “ is an eight-day clock.” Pat scratched his head in wonderment. “ What be an eight-day clock, mister? ” he asked. “ One that will go for eight days without needing winding,” explained the assistant. “ Begorrah,” smiled the Irishman, “ how long would it go if you wound it? ” HE MISTOOK THE QUESTION. In his geology class the lecturer said to one of his students, who was not celebrated for a pure and undefiled devotion to work, “ Now, sir, perhaps you will stand up and tell us what you know about gabbro.” The young man rose, flushed pleasurably, and replied:—“She’s absolutely topping, sir.” 1

FISHY. The newly-married couple were having turkey for the first time. “ I don’t know how it is,” remarked the husband, “ but this bird’s got bones all over it. Just listen to the knife on them.” “ Oh, how silly of you, darling! Those aren’t bones. Those are the shells.” “ Shells? ” “Yes. Don’t you remember you said you liked turkey with oyster stuffing? ” HIS EXPLANATION. Back-seat Driver: John, be careful. There’s a car behind you. John (patiently) : But, my dear, I’ve never hit anyone behind me yet. STANDING ROOM ONLY. There was an ominous cracking, and a great hole appeared in the ice. In the centre a man’s head arose. A park keeper was soon on the spot, and, crawling cautiously along a ladder he reached the edge of the ice. “Come closer!” he shouted, “and I’ll help you out!” “ Not much,” said the victim. “ I can’t swim.” “Can’t swim?” sneered the rescuer; “why, it’s only up.to your armpits.” “ Oh, no, it isn’t,” was the retort. ‘ e lt’s about seven feet deep out here. I’m standing on the chap who broke the ice!” DIRE. Disappointment awaits the man who hopes his new home will please the neighbours. POOR OLD DAD. Estelle: I buy all my clothes C.O.D. Evelyn: You do? Estelle: Yes—Charge on Dad. THE TIP. Airs Housewife: How can I keep fish from smelling? Delivery Boy: Cut off their noses. FIND YOUR OWN MORAL. Unless they grab an awful lot, some folk Think other folks will think they’re dumb; But, boy, the wisdom of the owl is shown By looking wise and keeping mum. GRIN. Smile and the world smiles with you, Kick and you kick alone; But the cheerful grin will let you in Where the knocker is never known. HIS PROFESSION.

Lord Carson’s seventy-eighth birthday reminds us that Lord Carson was the hero of a tale, which is a s follows: —Lord Carson (then Sir Edward) examining a hostile witness, said, “ Do you drink? ” “ Sir,” retorted the witness, “ that’s my business.” “ I know, but have you any other business? ” inquired counsel instantly. HE WAS ASTOUNDED. The golfer had lost his ball, and, not unnaturally, was inclined to be annoyed with his caddie. “ Why the deuce didn’t you watch where it went? ” he asked angrily. “ Well, sir,” said the boy, “it don’t usually go anywhere, and so it took me unprepared-like.” A SUBTLE HINT. One hears all sorts of abuse directed against soccer referees, most of it blunt and downright, but occasionally subtler methods are employed. At a cup-tie in which the home supporters fancied that their team was receiving rhe worst of the decisions one spectator inquired in a dulcet tone, “ Oh, Mr Referee, where’s your jersey? ” FATHER’S ADVICE. Seven years old! Aren’t you ashamed to steal at your age? ” “ Dad says one must start young to succeed.’’ NOT IMPRESSED. (who had just gone around in 112) : Well, how do you like my game? Caddie: I suppose it’s all right, but I still prefer golf. HE HAD. Customer: Haven’t you anything you could guarantee lo -waken me early in the morning? Salesman (in hardware store): Yes, but I don’t think his mother would like part- j ing with him. EXPLANATION. Young Willie to the pharmacy Proceeds with every mark of glee. To purchase castor oil he gees, And why he’s happy nq one knows, Unless—ah, there you have it, mister, The oil is for his little sister.

EXPLAINED. A man was driving his baby car along a country road w’hen a huge racing car roared by like a whirlwind and rocketed out of sight in a cloud of dust. Two hours later the racing driver, who had stopped for lunch a few miles down the .road, was surprised to see the baby car just arriving. He hailed the driver. “ I passed you a mile or so back, didn’t I? You’ve been a deuce of a time getting here.” “ Well,” said the traveller sheepishly, “you passed me so quickly that I thought I’d stopped, and I got out to see what was the matter. I’ve had the engine to pieces twice.” INCONSIDERATE OF HIM. “ Your husband is sulking again. What’s wrong this time? ” Oh, it’s just because I used his silly old tennis racket to strain the potatoes.” WOULDN’T DO. “AVhy are you looking so fed up? ” I bought a book called ‘How to Make ■ L, °y^ l an^„ now 1 don’t know what to do.” “Well, it says you take the girl’s hand, look into her eyes, and say: ‘ I love you, Beatrice.’ ” “What’s wrong with that?” “ My girl’s name is Lizzie.”

“COME IN!” A chorus girl who had evolved from Brixton to Broadway by becoming the understudy of a famous French revue actress, having changed her name and adopted the accent, found herself starred m Pittsburgh. Holding forth to an admirer in the best of traditions about “ zee difficulties of zee Engleesh,” she found herself interrupted by a knock at the door. “ Entre nous ...” she called out, brightly. CUP-TIE DAY. The engineer at a certain post office instructed two linesmen to repair some wires overlooking a football ground. The two men looked at each other for a moment in silence, and then the elder said: “ Can’t you make it to-morrow, sir? There’s a cup-tie on.” WISDOM. Convict: Yes, lady, I always make it a point never to rob a house on Christmas Eve. Philanthropist: That fact does you credit. J Convict: Thanks, lady. You see, it’s mu ays best ter wait till Christmas ni<rht. By that time they’ve got the unpacked an lyin’ about loose, so ver can make a better choice. QUITE TRUE. “Now, can any of you children tell me what happened when the Prodigal Son retuF<n£c - ’ - asked Sunday school teacher , HIS father went to meet him, and and hurt himself,” said a small boy. Wherever did you learn that? ” asked the teacher. “ The Bible says his father ran to meet mm and tell on his neck.” IT WOULD BE. Before engaging the new assistant the fishmonger decided to test him with a little mental arithmetic. “Now’, then, my lad.” he said, “what would twenty pounds of shrimps at threepence a pound come to? ” “ Five shillings,” came the ready reply ' Correct. What would twenty pounds ot salmon at twopence a pound be? ” asked the fishmonger. Bad, ’ replied the boy without hesitation.

JEWELS. Jewels are such costly things— Bangles, bracelets, necklets, rings, Crowns, perchance, and coronets, Where the lapidary sets Emeralds green and rubies red, Pearls which softest radiance shed. So. I cannot purchase these; But the sheen of leafy trees, Flowers that blossom down the dale, Birds that through the bright air sail, Sunset cloud and morning star — These are jewels better far. Children clustering round my knee. Dewy lips that lisp to me, Arms around my neck entwined, Jewels of the heart and mind, Better than a jewelled throne, These—the precious things I own. —A. B. C., in Tit-Bits. FACT. Hard times make more conversation than good times. HINT. You can put more in your pocket book by putting more into your work. THEIR LITTLE WAYS. Gladys Giggles: “ Before you marry a man he gives you oceans of love, but afterwards you’re lucky to get one little wave.” HE HAD TO. She: Did you tell anybody about my pies? He: Oh, yes, I had to tell the doctor what ailed me.

THE SNAG. The greatest trouble with the world, thinks a friend, is that a great majority of people are trying to make something for themselves instead of making something of themselves. GOOD REASON. Barton: What makes Steigmeyer, your next-door neighbour, so unpopular? Borrows: He has arranged his lawn mower so that you have to drop a penny in the slot to make it go. SATISFIED. Inquisitive Passer-by (to man digging in the road): What are you digging for, friend? The Workman: Money. Passer-by: Really! And when do you expect to get it? Workman (going on with his digging) : Pay day. SHE KNEW. The colonial was expressing his opinion of the Mother Country to his English friend. t “And another thing,” he went on, ’ England should make more use of her water-power.” The Englishman shrugged his shoulders. “My wife knows all about that,” he replied. “ Why, is your wife an engineer? ” asked the colonial. The Englishman looked round nervously and then said in a low whisper: “No, but she gets what she wants from me by her tears.” FRESH. Ancient Beau (bravely): A man is never older than he feels. I feel as fresh as a two-year-old. “ Horse or egg ? ’ ’ asked the sweet young thing. MODEST. Mistress: Mary, were you entertaining a man in the kitchen last night? Maid: That’s for him to say, mum. I did my best!

THE OPTIMIST. Old Sam, the farmer, had taken refuge on the roof of his house from the floods. Presently a boat, rowed by his nearest neighbour, hove in sight. All your fowls were washed away this morning,, Sam,” said the neighbour. Yes,” said the farmer, “ but the ducks can swim.” “ Your apple-trees have gone, too,” said tne neighbour. “Yes, but the crop was never worth anything, ’ returned Sam. “The.water’s reached up to your bedr°?/m windows,” said the neighbour. That s all right,” replied Sam: “they wanted washing.” A HOWLER. A school-boy asked to write an essay upon Martin Luther, committed this deathless sentence: “After the Diet of Worms, Martin Luther said, ‘ So help me, moci, 1 can take no other course. THE WRONG JOHN. A celebrated dean had given a provisional pronuse to attend a wedding, and at the last moment discovered it would be impossible, so he sent a telegram to tm, lm P end, ng bride which read, “See foi ii'th chapter eighteenth verse.” feo the lady sent for a Bible, and. upon looking up the reference, recited to the consternation of the wedding party: “For thou hast had five husbands, and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband.” There until e^' lldernien t among those present unti! a clergyman suggested that the “ood dean had. for once, omitted to be serupuiun S t ly T a T T’ at S- had intended to quote I Jolm, fourth chapter, eighteenth verse which reads. “There is no felr in love, but perfect love casteth out fear.” WE DO! •Jack Burke, the American professional ti^p er ’ T Wa A,- a blast fnrnaceman at one time. In this country we find it possible to combine golf and blasting. bl THE SWINDLE.

Noticing a dour-faced Scot tugging at a stamp-machine, a post-office official im quired what was the matter. It took the frolT= eral S 3 C ° nC J 3 t 0 recover sufficiently 1 A hls em °t‘on to speak. PUt ? penny in this -” he began, an four stamps came oot.” And he started hauling once again at the machine, the 9 e f£ ai ?? ed t he , official, “ what’s the idea. What s all the fuss about?” « T ■ Lloo , k y°u here, mon,” said the other, ,P. ut , anit her penny in. Ve ken. an’ swindle!” C ° me ° Ot ’ The thins ’ s a A PHILATELIST’S WISH. Do ? ; ou think that Bac °n wiote Shakespeare? Philatelist: I don’t know, but if he did I would like to have the envelope in which he posted the letter. BRIGHT. v-oman, Mrs Sinniek, don t you think? Beata: Aery. Everything she says cast 3 a reflection on someone. NOT NEEDED. Teacher was taking his class in a general knowledge test. Bertie Brown/’ he said, “which of the five senses sight, feeling, hearing, taste, or smell —could you best do without? ” Bertie, whose recollection of past punishment was very vivid, readily replied: "'Feeling, teacher. Because then when you have the cane it wouldn’t hurt.” WHAT A DIFFERENCE! Said the love-sick young man, as his eyes gazed upon The beautiful girl by his side: My dear, you're as graceful as anv white swan. <.• here s what the maiden replied: r or that compliment, sir, my thanks are sincere, A tribute, inded, to my slimming; But there s one little point on which I’m not clear— Is the swan only walking, or swimmmg? ” FARE’S FAIR. A woman in a tramcar tendered eight farthings for a twopenny fare. The conductor objected, and the woman explained that she had nothing but a pound note and these farthings in her bag. Could he change the pound? The conductor did not have time to reply before a pompous old man sitting behind jumped to his feet. “ I’ll stand by the lady,” he said. “ It’s legal tender. Yon have no right to refuse it. {( I insist that you take it.” All right,” said the conductor, “I’ll take it.” Then the conductor asked the man for his fare, and the latter gave him a sixpence for a twopenny fare, ~ a Sleam of triumph in his eyes, the conductor gave him one twopenny ticket, two pennies, and—eight farthings. CONTENT TO WATCH. The shabbily-dressed individual appi« mana ger of a building estate. Well, he said, “here I am to • see about the job you advertised.” The manager looked the applicant up and down, and it was obvious that he was not favourably inmres-i,- “ H’m,” he muttered, after a while, “ do you think , you can do the work? ” “AVhat!” exclaimed the applicant. ‘I thought you advertised for a foreman? ” ON THE HORNS OF A DILEMMA. Country visitor (to farmer) : Say, mister, is this bull safe? Farmer: Aye; he’s a darn sight safer than ye are. THE SAME AGAIN. The young man was rather shy, and after she had thrown her arms around him and kissed him for bringing her a bouquet of flowers he jumped up and grabbed his hat. ‘ Oh, don’t go,” she said, as he made for the door. “I didn’t mean to offend you.’ “ Oh, I’m not offended,” he replied. “I’m going for more flowers.”