Editor's Wallet

Otago Witness, Issue 4049, 20 October 1931, Page 75

Editor's Wallet

VERY YOUNG. The commercial traveller entered a provincial restaurant and ordered soup for the first course of his meal. After tasting a spoonful of the liquid he paused and recalled the waitress. “ What is wrong with this soup ? ” he said. “It appears to be nothing but water.” “ That is what the chef calls young chicken soup,” the girl replied. “ Young chicken soup ” echoed the traveller. “ Never heard of it. What does he mean ? ” “ That was the water the eggs were boiled in,” she exclaimed. ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. A parson was invited to dinner at the house of a farmer. On receiving a generous helping of roast chicken the guest exclaimed : “ Well, here’s where a chicken enters the ministry.” The host looked up with a dry smile. “ Well, let’s hope he does better there than he did in his lay work.” PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. Old Lady (to tramp): “ Why don’t you work ? Hard work never killed anyone.” Tramp : “ You’re wrong, lady. I lost both of my wives that way.” A “SOUND” IDEA. The Boss : “ What ! Asleep at your desk, and work so much behind. What’s the meaning- of it ? ” Male Typist (meekly): “ I’m sorry, sir, but the baby kept me awake all through the night. The Boss (excitedly): “Then, in future, bring it with you to the office.” CORNERED. He : “ Darling ! If lam the first man you ever kissed, how came you to be so good at it ? ” She : “If I am the first girl you ever kissed, how do you know I am good at it ? ” i , • NOT WORTH IT. The manager of a seaside concert hall met a friend. “ How’s business ? ” asked the friend. The manager shrugged his shoulders. “Had to turn people away last night,” he said, dismally. “ Really, is that a fact ? ” asked his friend. “ Sure it is,” came from the manager. “ There were eight of them. We thought it would be foolish to give a show to a sixteen-shilling house.” ROADSIDE PESTS. Jerrin was digging in the corner of his orchard when two stiekybeaks on a walking tour came along and interrupted his work. They were students, and seemed to be keen on wheedling all sorts of information from him. Just when Jerrin was getting tired of answering questions, one asked : “Do you lose much fruit through pests ? ” “By cripes, yes,” he answered. “ But it was a lot worse until the Main Roads Board built the new road. Most of the travellers go round that way now.” THE MODERN CHILD. In an English examination paper a class of small girls was asked for the opposite of certain words. In one paper the opposite to “ permanent ” was given as “Marcell.” This is only the counterpart of a notice seen in a hairdresser’s recently, which declared : “I, the undersigned, do hereby guarantee that any permanent wave executed by us will last for at least six to, ten months.” EXPERIENCE. They told me over and over again The things that I had to learn. They struggled to save me the needless pain Of many a sting and burn, But I was young, and I would find out The truth of the dangers they talked about. And now I know what they knew, and I Have children of my own, And the day will come when they’ll want to try their strength in the danger zone, For the way seems level and straight and fair And they can’t believe there are briars there. But should they take what I wouldn’t take, In spite of the needless tears ? Should age regret that it cannot make A short- cut through the years ? How sad were youth if it really knew As much as the worn-out oldsters do ! In spite of the truths which the grownups know And the thick books on the shelves, It is well that the youngsters still must go, Some lessons to learn themselves. For a horrible sight would a young man be Weighed down by the wisdom of seventythree. —Edgar A. Guest, in Tit Bits. AMERICAN POLITICS. “You know,” gushed the hostess to a prominent politician, “I’ve heard a great deal about you.” “ Possibly," he answered, absently, “but you can’t prove it.” HERE AND THERE. Removal Notice.—l have removed from the offices where I was to the offices where I am.

SUPER-EFFICIENCY. " I hear you’ve got an efficiency expert in your office,” said Collar. “ How’s he working ? ” “Fine,” said Cup. “As a matter of fact, he was such a success for the boss that we employees have hired him for a week.” "You fellows hired him?” echoed collar. Cuff nodded. “And with great success, too,” he replied. “ He’s showed us a new way to beat the time-clock, taught us a lot of brand new excuses for being late, and how to hook the boss’s cigars without being found out.” THE REASON. Well,” sniffed Sally, “ Bill didn’t blow bis brains out when you turned him down last night. He came over to my house.” " Then he Jost his wits, anyway,” said the other girl. A GOER. Husband : “ From the glimpse I had of her this morning, I rather like our new cook. There seems to be plenty of go about her.” Wife : “ Yes, she’s gone.” BARGAIN PRICE. A woman of very homely appearance had married a Scotsman, and after the ceremony he approached the parson with some trepidation. “ How much do I owe you for . this ? ’’ he asked. The parson lygg also a Scotsman, and knew his business. “ How much is it worth to you ? ” he countered. The bridegroom blushed, gave a sidelong glance at the parson, and pressed a shilling into his palm. The parson looked at the shilling, then at the bride, and gave him eightpence change. ASKING FOR TROUBLE. How any mother could call her son Nicobar is beyond comprehension, yet in this case it had been done. While waiting for the bus young Nicobar was sent into a shop by his mother. He had just informed the man behind the counter that he wanted some chocolate when his mother appeared in the doorway. “ Nicobar ! Nicobar ! ” she called. The confectioner seized his heaviest weight from the counter. “You dare to touch a single bar,” he shouted, “ and I’ll throw this at you ! ” INTERFERENCE. A newspaper reporter whose work was with ships and shipping was very popular with all the skippers and seamen he met. His only failing was drink, and on several occasions he had been carried across from England to America and back because lie didn’t hear the call of “All ashore ! ” This happened so often that whenever he failed to return to his office no one took much notice. On one occasion while visiting a liner he got in a worse state than usual. When he came to, he found that the vessel had started on a world tour. He decided to complete the journey. Many months later, after seeing the world, he_ returned to London, hurried to his office, and went straight to his desk. “Here 1” he shouted. “Who the deuce moved my typewriter ? ” SURFEIT. “ You seem to be no lover of music, although you have four musical daughters.” “If you had four musical daughters you would be no lover of music.” STUMPED. The native genius of a Lancashire man had carried him to big success in business without much aid of education. He was asked to distribute the prizes at a school and made the usual speech of good counsel. “Now, boys.” he said, “always remember that education is a great thing. There’s nothing like education. Through education we learn that twice two make four, twice six make twelve, that seven sevens make . . . and then there’s geography.” THE SNAG. It was his first day as a caddie, and he had shown so much interest in the play that at the end of it his employer asked him how he liked it. “ Oh ! I’m just crazy afbout it,” replied the youngster. “ The only part I don’t like is carrying this bag.”' PAINTER’S PROGRESS. A spinster, having the top room of her house painted, was under the impression that the painter was not making the progress he might. Listening at the foot of the stairs, she couldn’t hear a sound. “ Painter,” she shouted, “ are you working ? ” z “ Yes, madam,” came the reply. “ I can’t hear you.” “ I’m not putting it on with a hammer.” AN APT DESCRIPTION. The two suburbanites were discussing motor cars in general. “By the way, Smith,” said Jackson, “ what car are you running now ? ” Smith blushed ashamedly. “Mine’s a wreck,” he replied. “A Wreck?” echoed Jackson. “What make of car is that ? ”

“I’ve no idea,” returned Smith; “but every time I leave it anywhere people ask if I’ve reported the accident yet.”

GREAT THINGS. Great things to do —no doubt there are— And greatly done —and yet by far The greater are the lesser things, The deed that little glory brings, The work that seldom meets applause, Yet serves some good and holy cause. The orator upon the stage May loudly roar and loudly rage. And yet the word that someone said To someone else has often led To new opinions, righted wrong— Some word some neighbour passed along. The great machine is made of parts Assembled by the faithful hearts And faithful hands of faithful men. The little is the great thing, then, Without whose honest industry The great machine could never be. Whatever little task is mine What nut I tighten on the line, I know it is important—know Each word I say may help men grow. Great things are done—because, my son, The little things are greatly done. —Douglas Malloch, in an exchange. RISKING IT. An American staying at a South Coast (England) resort had an engagement to play golf with a friend- who did not put in a punctual appearance (says the compiler' of “ Over the Cocktails ”). The American, who was waiting on the first tee, decided to go to the clubhouse and telephone to his partner, and, not wishing to take his heavy kit with him, he said to a bystander, “ Excuse me, but would you look after these clubs till I come back ? ” “ Sir,” rejointed the bystander with ruffled dignity, “ I’d have you know I’m the mayor of this town.” “'Never mind. I’ll take the risk.” LOST. Two golfers playing an important match were annoyed by a slow couple in front of them. At one hole there was a particularly long wait. One of the offending couple dawdled on the fairway, while his companion’ searched industriously in the rough. At length the waiting couple on the tee could contain their impatience no longer. “ Why don’t you help your friend to find his ball ? ” one shouted indignantly. “ Oh, he’s got his ball,” the man replied blandly. “ He’s looking for his club.” HOPEFUL. A young woman went into a stationer’s shop and asked to see some notepaper. After selecting what she desired, she hesitated for a moment. “ Do you make any reduction to clergymen ? ” she asked. “ Certainly, madam,” said the stationer. “Are you a clergyman’s wife ? ” “ No —no.” “Ah ! A clergyman’s daughter ? ” suggested the stationer. “N—no,” was the hesitating reply. Then she leaned across the counter, and spoke in a confidential whisper : “ But if everything goes well I shall soon be engaged to a theological student.” FAMILY RELATIONS. “ I suppose you find the fellows in the office one big family ? ” “No, everybody’s been quite nice to me so far.” SILENCED HIM. The rough-looking character was placed in the dock. After the charge had been made and a few questions had been asked, the judge gazed sternly at the man. “ Do you mean to tell me that you are a lover of peace ? ” he said. The prisoner returned a defiant stare. “ I certainly do,” lie replied. “And yet,” continued the judge briskly—- “ and yet you were seen to purposely drop a brick on top of the constable’s head.” “ That’s right,” returned the man in the dock. “And what’s more, my lord, I ain’t never seen anyone more peaceful than he was after I ’ad dropped that brick on his napper.” LUCK. Mrs Reed (with newspaper): “It says here that a woman in Omaha has just cremated her third husband.” Miss Willing : “ Heigho ! Isn’t that just the way. Some of us can’t get one and other women have husbands to burn.” SWITCH OFF! “ Oh, yes, my dear, he’s got wireless eyes.” “Wireless eyes ? ” “Yes. You see, he’s got a broad cast in them.” THE DESIGNER. A man was sitting down watching the cricket match at Lord’s when he noticed a fellow a few seats away was sketching him. He was very annoyed and approached him. “ Would you mind telling me what newspaper you represent ? ” he asked sternly. “ I don’t represent any newspaper,” replied the man. “I design comic postcards.” LOOKED LIKE IT. A car approached with a man and bis wife in it. On reaching the corner the man signalled a right turn and his wife signalled a left turn. The policeman on point duty stopped the car. “What is it you people want,” he demanded, “ a separation ? ” IGNORANT. The ambitious wife of a millionaire tanner was giving a dinner party, and in the course of the meal she noticed that her husband did not talk to any of their smart guests. After it was oyer and she had an opportunity, she whispered to him angrily: “ Why don’t you talk ? ” “What’s the good? ’’replied the millionaire, contemptuously. “There ain’t one of ’em knows a thing about leather.”

EXACTLY. A fiery-tempered colonel received a letter which enraged him. This was his reply : “ Sir, —My stenographer, being a lady, cannot type what I think of you. I, being a gentleman, cannot think it. But you, being neither, will understand what I mean.” WORE LONGER. “ Good morning, Mal tha—always knitting. Do you find the stockings wear longer if knitted by hand “Wear longer? Yes, of course, mum. You wouldn’t believe it, but this pair of my husband’s socks I knitted five years ago, and I’ve knitted new legs to ’em twice and new footed ’em five times! Seems to me they’ll never wear out ! ” ANOTHER ONE! The Boss (whose baby car has run out of petrol miles from home, to chauffeur): “It’s you, John, confound you! You’ve been filling your petrol-lighter ! ’’ PECULIAR. Elderly Friend : “ Going to New Zealand with' your husband, are you, my dear ? That’s one of the countries where they have day when we have night and night when we have day.” Young Wife : “Yes. I suppose I shall find it awfully strange at first.” GENEROUS. Lady (to tramp who has asked for clothes): “You can have these trousers. They only want a little mending.” Tramp (graciously): “ That’s all right, lady. I shall be back this way in a week’s time. Could you ’ave ’em done by then ? ” A DIRECTOR. Visitor (jokingly) : “Well, my boy, and what position in the firm do you occupy ? ” Office Boy : “ I’m a director.” Visitor : “ What ? ” Office Boy : “ Yes. I direct the wrappers to our annual subscribers.” KILLING. Daughter (at piano): “I’ll stop if I’m disturbing you, daddy. I’m only practising to kill time.” Dad : “ I really think, my dear, time must have succumbed by now.” . BAD ARITHMETIC. Wife: “Have a look at the cake I decorated for my birthday party. Don’t you think my sense of design is wonderful ? ” Husband (counting the candles): “Yes; but your arithmetic is bad.” TAKEN AT HIS WORD. “ What are ye gaun to ha’e, mon ? ” asked Sandy of his friend at the club bar. “Weel,” pondered Mac, “I’m no’ parteee’lar. Onything wi’ a good heid on ’t.” Sandy quickly turned to the barmaid. “A wee drappie o’ whusky for me,” he ordered, “ and my frcen’ll ha’e a ha’penny stamp.” KIND REGARDS. Leaving a fashionable seaside hotel, a wealthy but niggardly man was surrounded by servants, all expecting tips. Getting past this batch he stepped into a waiting car, the door of which was held by the house porter, who thrust out his palm. “ You’re not going to forget me, sir ? ” he inquired anxiously. The departing guest grasped the outstretched hand and shook it. “No,” he said, in a voice charged with emotion. “ I’ll write to you.” THE HIGHEST ASPIRATION. Polite Tramp : “ Your little dawg ’as bit me, lady.” Lhdy : “Where ? ” Polite Tramp : “ I reely couldn’t tell yer where, ma’am.” Lady : “ Nonsense. He couldn’t reach that height.” ALL BUT ONE. The would-be reformer was giving a few examples of strong-minded men. “And another thing,” he exclaimed, “a man who can stop the tobacco habit can do anything.” “ Except one ! ” came a voice from the back of the hall. “Well, sir,” said the reformer, “and v.’hat is that ? ” “ He can’t stop boasting about it,” came the retort. HONOURED. First Maid (talking about a party given the day before by her mistress): "And they all came in limousines and had on the grandest clothes and wore the biggest diamonds.” Neighbour’s Maid : “And what did they talk about ? ” First Maid : “Us.” INNOCENT YOUTH. A small boy was about to purchase a ticket for the afternoon performance of the village kinema. The man in the box office gazed searchingly at him. “ Why aren’t you at school, young man ? ” he asked. The boy returned an earnest smile. “ Oh, that’s all right, sir ! ” he replied. “I’ve got measles.” THE TRUTH WILL OUT. Brown was a novice at golf. When his turn came to drive his ball off the first tee at the village links he approached the small white object falteringly. Presently he swung up his club and took a mightyhit. Immediately something went flying into the air. Brown looked up hopefully. But, alas, it wasn’t his ball that went soaring along the fairway; it was only a large piece of turf. “ Extraordinary ! ” he exclaimed miserably.

His young caddie nodded in agreement. “ Yes, sir,” he said, “ it does seem a bit out of the common.”

A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE. Mrs Ayres was scanning a well-known society paper. Presently she came to a portrait of herself. “I say,” she said proudly to her husband, “ just fancy this paper calling me one of fashion’s butterflies.” The husband gazed critically at the portrait. “ H’m !” he mumbled. “ From the way you go through your clothes I should think one of fashion’s moths would be a more suitable description.” WELL PREPARED. On his way home from the city Hammond called at the big restaurant. “Waiter,” he said, " I want you to take this half-crown.” “ Yes, sir,” murmured the waiter solemnly. “ I suppose you want me to reserve a table for you ? ” Hammond shook his head. “ No,” he whispered; “ I shall be coming back here to-night with two ladies, and I want you to tell me when I arrive that all the tables are engaged.” DOUBLE HARNESS PREFERRED. Miss Younger met her much older cousin. “ I hear you are going to marry old Mr Bounder,” she said. “ Yes,” replied Miss Older, “ I’ve decided to accept him.” “ Well,” said the other knorvingly, “ I warn you he’ll lead a double life.” “That’s all right,” said Miss Older resignedly. “If I don’t marry him I’ll have to lead a single life, and that’s worse.” OUT OF SCHOOL. . The teacher of the boys’ school was giving her pupils a general knowledge test. “ Now, then,” she commenced, “we borrowed our numerals from the Arabs, our calendar from the Romans, and our banking from the Greeks. Can anybody else give me some examples ? ” Bertie, who sat precariously near the lowest desk in the class, rose to his feet. Yes, teacher,” he said. “ I know some. Our lawn mower from the Smiths, our sewing machine from the Browns, and a pair of steps from the Jacksons.” FAST! A damsel whose speed caused no rustle To neighbours acquainted with hustle, Conceived a great passion To dress in the fashion, And staggered them all with her bustle ! ROUSED HIS CURIOSITY. “ May I show you my samples ? ” asked the commercial traveller. The business man nodded. Immediately the traveller opened a very little ba£ and displayed all his samples on a table. The business man carefully looked at them. » “ Well,” he said. “ there’s only one thing I want to-day ! ” “ Oh, very good, sir I ” said the traveller hopefully. “And what is that ? ” “Why,” came the reply, “I want to see how you’re going to get all those samples back into that little bag again.” WAYS AND MEANS. Ruth, the daughter of the house, returned from a shopping expedition with an expensive-looking new hat. “ How do you like it, mother ? ” asked the girl, displaying her bargain. “Very nice, dear,” said the mother, and added, “ But how did you manage to afford it ? ’’ “ I earned it myself.” said the girl. “How was that?” asked the mother in surprise. “ I talked dad out of three pounds for it,” said her daughter. ONE OR THE OTHER. Police Sergeant (examining report of robbery) : “ H’m, you say you ran into someone in the dark outside your house. Could you describe him ? ” Little Man : “ Er, well, no—not exactly. But I feel he must have been a very short man with a beard or a very tall man with a sporran.” QUICK RESULTS. Boots, the young doctor, met a friend in the same profession. “Hallo, Grey,” he exclaimed, “you’re looking down in the mouth. What’s happened ? ” “No wonder,” returned Grey. “ I’m attending that wealthy Mr Gotalot, and I’ve sent him the wrong medicine.” Boots looked at his friend in astonishment. “ Good gracious !” he said. “ That’s a very serious blunder ! ” Grey wiped his furrowed brow. “It is, indeed,” he explained. “The medicine I sent him will cure him in two days.” A STICKER. The age-old problem of mothers-in-law had cropped up for discussion at the men’s club. Mr Cum-Munday waxed bitter in his remarks against them. “ My mother-in-law has only visited me once since I got married.” he mentioned. “Well, you’re jolly lucky,” said Mr Go-Toosday. “ I can’t see what you’ve got to complain about.” “Lucky, you say.” said Mr CumMunday. “Why, she’s never left.” A COSTLY SONG. just the sweetest hat,” gushed Mrs Brown, “and when the milliner told me I could have it for a mere song I ordered it at once.” Mr _ Brown said nothing until he saw the bill. . Then he spoke. “A case of mistaken identity,” he said quietly. “ The woman evidently thought you were a famous singer.” TWO FOLD. « e J’ cve >” sa id the cheery philosopher, that for every single thing you give away two come back to you.” “ That’s my experience,” agreed the other. Last March I gave away my daughter and she and her husband came back in July.”