Editor's Wallet

Otago Witness, Issue 4041, 25 August 1931, Page 75

Editor's Wallet

RIGHT DOWN. The .doctor and the young nurse were having a short consultation regarding the male patient. . Yes, doctor/’ she said, “ I took his temperature with the glass thing, and it’s gone right down.” The doctor nodded professionally. “ Very good,” he replied; “ that means he’s getting better.” The young nurse looked appealingly at the medical man.

“ Oh. doctor, are you sure ? ” she said. “ He’s swallowed it.”

KNOWS WHAT MAKES ANGELS. Young Husband : “ Last night when I got home my wife had my chair drawn up before the fire, my slippers ready for me to put on, my pipe filled, and ”

Cynic: “ How did you like her new hat ? ”

WELL CAUGHT.'

Macdonald, the Lancashire bowler, has strained himself so badly that he may not appear again this - season. It was Macdonald who, with one of his fasts, accidentally knocked out the late J. W. H. T. Douglas one day, the ball bumping up to hit the batsman on the head. “ Johnny” was stunned for a spell, but when he revived he picked up his bat and prepared to face the bowler again with a muttered “ Play on.” However, cover-point appealed apologetically for a catch and J.W.H.T. had to go. The ball had struck his glove before hitting his head. WISE CHILD. ‘■'Johnny,” the teacher said to the butcher’s son, “ how many legs has a sheep ?” “ Please, teacher, do you mean a live sheep ?” “ What difference does it make ? ” “ Well, if it’s a live sheep, the answer is four, but if not, it’s two; ’cause the front legs are shoulders of mutton.” INGENIOUS. A small boy who visited a farm last summer rushed indoors one day and breathlessly exclaimed : “A mouse has fallen in the churn of milk.” The Farmer: “Well, did you take it out ? ” Boy : “Of course not. I put the cat

AN ILLUMINATED ADDRESS. The old actor was boasting of his past achievements to the very bored members of the club.

At last one of them put a question to the actor.

" Look here,” he said, “ you may be wonderful and all that, but I do fairly well in business, and I think I have more to be proud of than you. In fact, I’ve been given an illuminated address, and that is more than you can say.” The actor smiled. “Oh, no, it isn’t, laddie !” he said. “I also have had one.” “And on what occasion was that ? ” inquired the other.

“ Once when my lodgings caught fire,” said the actor.

IN NAME ONLY.

Briggs stopped his car in the narrow country lane and beckoned to a passing farm labourer.

I say, my man,” he said. “ I appear to have lost my way. Could you direct me to Squire Browne’s house ? ”

“Ay. surr,” said the labourer, “ that I could.” He pointed in the direction from which the motorist had just come. “You go back that way for about a quarter of a mile until you come to the green gate,” he went on. “ You then go through the gateway and you’re on Squire Brownes carriage drive.” Briggs thanked him. and after he had turned his ear in the narrow lane he proceeded on his way. Some time later he was still searching for the green gate, and just when he was about to give up the search he again saw the farm labourer.

“ What do you mean by sending me on a fool s errand ? ” he snapped tersely. “ There isn’t a green gate in the lane.” “Sorry, surr,’ said the labourer. “We always calls if the green gate, but its painted white now.” A BIG IF. The two married women were in earnest conversation. “I really cannot understand why mothers don’t see the faults in their own children,’ - mentioned Mrs Gossup. “And do you think you can ? ” asked Mrs Sapper. “Of course,’’ said Mrs Gossup. “I could in a minute, if my children had any.” c ON BUSINESS. Joe Wood was a clerk. Jim Riley was a barber. Joe and Jim were in love with Flora Wilkins, a waitress. Joe always visited the girl on Saturday nights. Jim’s ■night was Wednesday. Flora finally married Jim. On the following Saturday night Joe presented himself at her door as usual. You can’t come in, Joe,” said Flora, re £; 7 £ i lly. .“I’m married now.” Huh,” said Joe, giving her a haughty glance. I didn’t comq to see you. I came to get shaved.” DID IT? Morris • “ If you refuse me I shall never love another.” Doris : “That’s all very well; but does the promise hold good if I accept you ? ”

A LEADING QUESTION. The racing motorist who had embraced matrimony disappeared from his old bachelor haunts for some months, at the end of which time he recommenced putting in odd appearances at the club. Someone asked him how he liked married life. He said : “My wife is an excellent woman, a charming woman, but she talks. Tell me, is there any way of throttling ’em down ? ” ETIQUETTE. An American film producer asked an English friend to watch the “ shooting ’’ of one of his society films to see that it was all right. After a time the Englishman asked : “ Why does that man keep on his hat when he’s talking to a lady i n the drawing room ? ” “Sure,” said the producer., “he can’t take it off—another lady’s coming in presently, and he’s got to raise his hat to her.” * WHY DIDN’T HE? Beneyolent-looking Woman (to young man with books under his arm): “ You look awfully tired.” Young Man : “ Yes, ma’am. I’m studying for a doctor.” Benevolent-looking Woman : “ It’s a shame. W'hy don’t you let the doctor study for himself ? ” MAKING SURE.

He paused as he was about to enter the bathroom. “ Darling,” he said to his wife, “ I’m going to take a bath.” “ Well, what about it ? ” she asked, puzzled. “Well, I just want to warn you not to give my suit away while I’m out of it. It happens to be the only one I have left.” PERFECT OPTIMIST. “ You want to marry my daughter. What are your means ? ” “ I expect shortly to come into a fortune of between one thousand and four hundred thousand pounds.” “Why are you so uncertain about the amount ? ” “ It’s a ticket I have in a sweep.” A GIFT. On appearing at the golf course one day a player was greeted by his caddie : “ You remember that new ball we lost yesterday, sir ? Well, here it is. I got it off’n young Bill Smith.” “ Splendid,” said the golfer, digging into his pocket. “I’ll give you twice gave the other boy for it.” “ No thanks,” said the caddie, backing hurriedly. “ I gave him a punch on the nose for it.’’ THE PAUSE FOR BREATH. The film star had just completed a three-hour monologue on his career, his love affairs, his hopes, his ideals, his philosophy, his clothes, his children, his art, and his opinions on religion, Shakespeare, Einstein, and the Modern Girl. “And now,” he said to the patient listener, “ I want you to tell me something about yourself. What did you think of my last picture? ” ENCOURAGEMENT. “ How are you getting on with your courting of the banker’s daughter?” “Not so bad. I’m getting some encouragement.”

“ She’s beginning to smile on you, is she? ” “ Not yet, but last night she told me she had said ‘No ’ for the last time.” ONE IN THE BISHOP. Bishop Manning likes to tell this joke: A boy who . visited the Cathedral of St. John the Divine wrote home enthusiastically:— “ This cathedral has a much bigger knave in it than St. Peter’s.” NOTHING. ’Husband: “How much did you pav for that new hat? ” Wife: “Nothing.” Husband: “How did you get it for nothing? ” Wife: “ I told the milliner to send the bill to you.” TOO RICH OR TOO SMALL. There was company at dinner, and the boy had behaved very well, much to his fond mother’s gratification. Finally, as dessert was being served he piped out: “ Mother, 4s the dessert too rich for me, or is there enough to go round? ” FOREKNOWLEDGE. Nervous Suitor (to little brother): “ I’ve come to see your sister.” Little Brother: “ She’s been expecting you.” Nervous. Suitor (beaming and smiling) : “Ah, that’s good. Here’s a shilling for you. How do you know, my little man, she’s been expecting me ? ” Little Brother: “ She’s gone out! ” THE TALE END FIRST. The old lady met the rising young author at a public luncheon. “ I think the end of your latest novel is lovely,” she said guishingly. “Oh. good!” he exclaimed. “And what do you think of the opening chapters? ”

“I haven’t got to them yet,” she replied.

A HARD NUT. The small company of club members were cracking jokes. “ Can anyone tell me the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut? ” asked one of the company. After a while, and as there was no answer forthcoming, the speaker decided to supply the answer. “Well,”'he said, “you can get..a drink out of a coconut, but—” “ Excuse me,” put in one of the others, “ but I happen to be a Scotsman. Would you like a drink?” “ Delighted, thanks,” replied the joker readily enough. “ Then go out and buy yourself a coconut, laddie,” smiled the Scot. NO HARD FEELINGS. Lady: “ Have you ever been offered work? ” Tramp: “ Only once, madam. Aside from that I’ve met with nothing but kindness. TROUBLE BREWING. A rookie in the cavalry was told to report to the lieutenant. “ Private Rooney,” said the officer, “ take my horse down and have him shod.” For three hours the lieutenant waited for his horse. Then, impatiently, he sent for Rooney. “ Private Rooney,” he said, “ where is that horse I told you to have shod?” “ Omigosh! ” gasped the private, growing pale around the gills, “ Did you say shod? ” BRAINS!

Professor: “Why did you not answer my question? ” Student: “I did, sir. I shook my head.” Professor: “ Well, you don’t expect me to hear it rattle from here, do you?” ANTIQUITY. Waiter: “These are the best eggs we’ve had for years.” Customer: “Well, bring me some you haven’t had so long.” A BARGAIN. Mrs (entering hubby’s den): “ Here’s my new dress, dear. I bought it for a song.” Mr: “All right, send in the collector and I’ll sing to him.”' THE ABSURD IDEA. Tommy: “ Mother, let me go to the Zoo to see the monkeys ? ” Mother: “Why, Tommy, what an idea! Imagine wanting to go to see the monkeys when your Aunt Betsy is here! ” HIS INTEREST. Jackson: “The boss offered me an interest in the business to-day.” Shaw: “He did?” Jackson: “Yes, he said if I can’t take an interest pretty soon he’ll sack me.” SETTING A TASK. An Irishman in London saw a notice outside a big store which read: “Everything sold by the yard.” Thinking to have a joke, he went in and ordered a yard of milk. “Yes, sir,” said the assistant without any hesitation, “you can have a yard of milk.” And with that he dipped his finger into a milk can and drew it a yard across the counter! The Irishman saw his joke turning against him, but he still had another’ card up his sleeve. “ How much is it? ” he asked. “ That will be fourpence,” replied the assistant. “ All right,” came from the Irishman. “ Wrap it up and I’ll take it.”

TALKING “SHOP.” He was a shop assistant in the act of proposing. “ Remember,” he said, “ this is the last day of this astounding offer.” PRODIGIOUS. “ Dad, what’s a prodigy? ” asked Tommy. Father sighed. “Well,” he said, “a boy your age who doesn’t ask any questions would most likely be a prodigy.” GOLF. Probably the best definition of the game of golf is: Inducing a little ball to go into a little hole with .instruments singularly ill-adapted for the’ purpose. THE LITTLE STIFF. Smith (to partner at hotel dance, conscious that his dancing is not quite up to scratch): “ Er—l’m a little stiff from ping-pong, you know.” His Partner (coldly): “Really! And where’s that ? ” IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. Her mother descended on the young wife’s home. After speaking a few words about the young husband’s failings, she said : “ I suppose, my dear, you never have to ask him for money ? ” The young wife lowered her voice. “ No, mother, never,” she smiled artfully. “ Fred’s a very sound sleeper.” REFLECTED GLORY. Visitor : “And who are you, my little man ? ” Cuthbert (with conscious pride): “ I’m the baby’s brother.” ORDERS ARE ORDERS. Mother : “ I asked you to notice when the milk boiled over.” Tommy : “ I did, mummie. It was five minutes past six.” A GOOD REASON. “Why did you engage that man as cashier? He squints, has a crooked nose, and outstanding ears.” “Of course. He will be so easy to identify if ever he absconds.”

HE WOULD REPEAT IT. A little boy was walking in the garden, when a neighbour called him and handed him over the hedge a jam tart. “Thank you, madam,” he said. The neighbour was delighted. “ How well brought up you are,” she exclaimed. “ I like to hear a little boy say ‘ Thank you ’ to me.” “ Then give me another jam tart,’’ answered the little boy.

BLUEBELLS. Far down the dimness of the wood I saw the lovely bluebells gleam, A hyacinthine sisterhood, Sunk in the silence of a dream; They might have been a shining pool Of standing water, grave and cool. At eve when I came by again, Gone was the spectacle of grace; The grass was trampled in the lane, And townsfolk from that woodland place Were gaily lugging piteous sheaves Of poor sick flowers and pallid leaves. Alas, what blindness holds such eyes In bondage, that they cannot see How swiftly Beauty droops and dies. Nor brooks an hour’s captivity, Since God will let no man possess Alone the soul of loveliness?

The townsfolk took their cheerful way Towards the station lights; ... I stayed And watched the sorrowful dusk fall grey Upon the ruined bluebell glade, ' And heard a storm of angels’ tears Shut out the sound of swinging spheres. Kathleen Lee, Afterglow (Bagster).— SPOILING THE ROMANCE. The lovesick swain had his beloved one in his arms. “ Darling,” he murmured happily, “ you are the only girl I ever kissed.” “ I beljeve you,” sighed the maid. He kissed her again. . “ And you are the only girl who believed what I say,” went on the foolish fellow. SECOND THOUGHTS. Newly-appointed Dentist’s Maid (angrily): “Have you seen any small boys ring our bell and run away?” Policeman: “They weren’t small boys. They were grown-ups. WHAT’S IN A NAME? A man who is very keen on music has a wife who does not exactly share his admiration for that art. One evening he brought home a magnificent vocal gramophone record to which be listened with great delight. “ Who was that, dear ? ” asked his wife. “Chaliapin,” he answered., “Was it ? ” said his spouse':- “Well, if Charlie Chaplin can sing like that why on earth doesn’t he go in for talkies ? ’’

NO CONTROL. Wills: “Don’t you think Miss Screamer has wonderful control of her voice?” "Wells: “No, I don’t. She sings every time anyone asks her.” COUNTING THE COST. A man seized with violent toothache did not succumb too readily to the gas administered by the dentist, but at last he -was sleeping peacefully, and the molar was removed. “How much?” asked the patient, after the ordeal. “ Ten shillings,” said the dentist. “Ten shillings!” the man exclaimed. “ Yes. It was an unusually hard job getting that tooth out, and you required twice the ordinary amount of gas.” “ Well, here’s the money, but the next time I take gas I’ll want to look at the meter.” NO TACT. The secretary of a golf club was playing a round one sunny morning, and happening to get into some deep rough he was astonished 'to see a tramp lying basking in the sun. The secretary “went for ” the man, and wound up by ordering him off the links. “ Excuse me, boss,” said the tramp curiously, “ but ’oo might you be? ” “I’m the secretary of this club.” “Well, well,” said the tramp with a reproachful shake of his head, “ this ain’t the way to git new members y’ know'.” NOT THIS TIME. The pretty young schoolmistress had been telling her class of young boy pupils all about the winds, their powers, different effects, and so on. “And do you know, children,” she said enthusiastically, “as I came along to school this morning on the top of the bus something softly came and kissed me on the cheek.” She paused, and added: “ Now, Tommy Brown, can you tell me what that was? ”

Tommy looked thoughtful. “Yes, teacher,” he said at length. “The conductor.” SEE?

Discussing the summer holiday,.A mentioned a small village on the Dee as a possible choice of locality. Said B: “If you are going to that part of the country why not try the Peak district? ”

“Well,” said A, “some of us like the sea, and although the Dee is not the sea, it’s next to it.”

WELL SUPPLIED.

Young Graydon was regarded as the “ wit ” of the school by his fellowstudents.

One morning, when an unpopular master set the class to write an essay on “Manners” young Graydon thought he’d have a laugh at the expense of the master. “ May we write on “ Bad Manners ’ ? ” he asked, amid titters from the rest of the class. “Certainly,” said the master readily. “Just write what you know best.’’

IRONICAL. . It was the duty of Janet, the maid, to tie up Jeff, the house dog, every night before she retired. One night she failed in her duty, and next morning found Jeff loose and having played havoc with the contents of the larder. When the mistress heard the news she inquired: “Has he eaten much, Janet?” . “ Every blessed thing except the dog biscuits! ” replied the maid. FOR TEA. The hall porter in an Aberdeen hotel was relating his experiences of the latest arrival to the boots. “ Yes,” he said, “ I carried his bag up three flights of stairs, and at the top he slipped something into my hand and said, ‘ That’s for a cup of tea.’ ” “And what wais it?” asked the boots. “A penny?’’ “No,” replied the hall porter, “a lump of sugar.” WITH SUCCESS. The landlady was serving up her new boarder’s breakfast. ‘Of course,” she said. “ I always believe in letting coffee boil for 30 minutes. That’s the only way to get the real goodness out of it.” The boarder tasted the coffee, replaced the cup in the saucer, and pushed it slowly aside. “You have succeeded admirably this time,” he said cuttingly. MOTORING SPARKS. The cause of many motor accidents is the fact that the driver so often fills the wrong tank with spirit. How often the model husband turns out to be a speed model. BACK TO LAST CENTURY. Mother: “And what was grandmother doing to-day? ” Little Bertha: “She was making soup without a tin-opener.” UNWELCOME. Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a “ refresher ” during working hours when he suddenly ran into the boss. • “ Hello,” said the boss pleasantly, “ were you looking for me ? ” “Ay,” answered Angus, “I was lookin’ for ye, but I didna want tae see ye.”

LOVE’S SACRIFICE. The dentist did not approve of His daughter’s courtship with the young bank clerk. But one day the lovesick swain called on the girl when the father was out for the evening. As he was whispering sweet nothings in her ear the sound of heavy footsteps was heard in the hall. “Oh, darling!” cried the girl. “Dad’s come home unexpectedly. What ever will you do ? ” The lover was speechless. “George,” said the girl, after thinking rapidly, “ you’ll have to tell him you came to have a tooth extracted! ” HARD TACK. Doctor: “-Above all, eat more fruit, and particularly the skin of the fruit. The skin contains all the virtues and the vitamins. What, by the way, is your favourite fruit?” Patient (gloomily): “Coconuts.” PASTE. Jimmy (coming into father’s office): “ Dad, mother says you are to send your sandwiches back.” Father: “ I can’t; I’ve eaten them.” Jimmy: “ Mother made a mistake in the tins, and now we shall have to clean the brown boots with sardine paste.” JUST THE REVERSE. Irate Diner (annoyed at the amount of his bill): “ Explain why I am charged so much. Waiter: “ Well, sir, there is the oxtail soup—.” Irate Diner: “Pouf. A mere detail.” Waiter: “No, sir, a dear meat-tail.”

SECOND-HAND. 1 Mr Higgins was sporting a new trilby hat one Sunday morning, when the woman next door remarked: “Got a new ’at, ain’t yer, Mr ’lggins? ” “Yes; d’ye like it?” “ ’M—; but it don’t ’alf make your face look shabby! ” BACKWARD. They were “sitting out ” in a very dark corner of the dance hall. “Give me a kiss,” he pleaded. No answer. He asked four times and still got no reply. “ Are you deaf ? ” he asked. “No,” she said. “Are you paralysed? ” TAKING HIS MEDICINE. The boarders were alarmed one night by what sounded like a man running nt a tremendous pace in one of the upper rooms. However, as it came from the second floor front room of the new boarder nothing was said. The next night the same running noises were heard; still it was thought best to say nothing. But the third night the noise differed; the boarders huddled together as the man above came down on the floor with a thump, thump that fairly shook the house. Two men decided to investigate. “What’s the matter up here?” asked one of them, as the door was opened by the new boarder. “ Why,” came the answer, between gasps for breath, “ I’m taking my medicine.” “ Medicine ? ” “Yes,”, qaj’ the new boarder, as he dropped into a chair from sheer exhaustion. “It’s tougher on me than it is on you. The doctor said I must take it two nights running, and then skip the third night.”