Editor's Wallet

Otago Witness, Issue 3992, 16 September 1930, Page 76

Editor's Wallet

RANKS OF PEACE. Fall in with all that makes to-day For peace and brotherhood, With all who strive to clear the way To universal good; Nor let your footsteps turn aside To join the ranks of empty pride. Fall in with those who march ahead Of prejudice and cant, Those social customs, deep inbred, Which serve the arrogant, .And ever let your weight be thrown In favour of the poor and lone. Fall in with fellow-men who move Along life’s common road, And do each day some deed of love, And ease some heavy load, And so secure, wdien night descends, The benisons of unknown friends. —A. B. C., in Answers. NOT SO DEAF. The shy curate was put next to the very deaf duchess at dinner, and she wished to be gracious. “ I didn't quite catch your name,” she said. “ Will you tell me what it is ? ” “ Jinks, your Grace,” answered the curate. “Just a little louder, please.” “Jinks, your Grace,” repeated the curate, raising his voice. “ I’m awfully deaf,” apologised the duchess. “ Would you mind Saying it just a little louder ? ” “ Jinks, your Grace,” he almost yelled. “ I’m sorry,” said the duchess, giving it up. “It sounds just like ‘Jinks’ to me.” A QUICK RETORT, The superintendent of a lunatic asylum directed one of the inmates to whitewash the walls. The patient did as directed, and performed a very creditable job, but for some reason he neglected to whitewash the space over the clock. “ That’s very well done,” said the official when he returned to inspect. “ But whv did you leave that space over the clock’? ” “ Oh, I don’t believe in working overtime,” was the ready response. : TALKIES FOR THE DEAF.

When the talkies first made their appearance one serious objection was: raised • to their ousting the silent film. This came from the many thousands of deaf people, who found it easy to follow the silent screen play with its printed captions, but could make little or nothing of talkie films owing to inability to hear what ■ w-as going on. During recent months many of the London kinema theatres have been making special provision for ' deaf members of the audiences.. Close to the loud-speaker, which reproduces the sound portion of the film, is placed a microphone connected by wires to an amplifier. From this amplifier . other wires run to sockets, or “ jacks.” fitted to the backs of certain seats. By . paying a- small sum a deaf person can obtain a single telephone earpiece fixed to a short handle and carrying a device by which the volume of sound can be regulated. The earpiece is fitted with a flexible cord and a plug which is inserted into the jack. As only.a certain number of seats can be fitted with jacks, a scheme of advance bookings for these will probably be arranged. HOPE. To-day the rain comes pouring down, The sunbeams try. in vain To shed their brightness on the town. It will not always rain ! The wind comes whistling through the gate, The chestnut boughs bend low. The birds cling to their nests and wait — It will not always blow ! The grief that turns day into night Will drop, with time, to sleep. Now morning dawns with new delight!— We cannot always weep ! •—Anne Campbell, in Women’s Weekly. WHY THE FIVE TOWNS? Everyone has heard of the “ five towns ” —Mr Arnold Bennett has made them famous,—but how many people know that the phrase has caused grievous heartburnings ? The trouble is that the “ five towns ” are really six. Mr Bennett’s “ five towns ” were Stoke. Hanley, Burslem, Longton, and Tunstall. The sixth member of the group—Fenton—was left out while its neighbours became famous. This wasn’t Fenton’s fault. It was simply’ that the “five towns” was a good phrase, and to make it six wouldn’t have been quite so euphonious. The borough of Stoke-upon-Trent was enlarged 20 years ago to include the rest of the “ five towns ” —and Fenton. It is now no longer a borough, having been promoted to the rank of city. But it is still expanding. It now proposes to annex Newcastle-under-Lyme and - Wolstanton. PIGS IN CLOVER. She was paying her first visit to a cousin who lived in the country. He met her at the station, and after half an hour’s drive told her that they were approaching his farm. In one of the fields that met the girl’s attentive eye stood a windmill, and gathered around it were several pigs. “ Well, I’m surprised ! ’’ she exclaimed. “I didn’t know .fanners were so considerate.” “ What do you mean ? ” asked her cousin. „ “ That over yonder,” replied the girl. ■ Just think of having a fan out- in the field to keep those pigs cool ! ”

WISDOMETTES. Money talks most when a man marries it. When a woman loses her temper it is usually her husband who gets it. Whatever the cost of living, it never seems to have any effect on its popularity. What puzzles most men is what women are going to leave off when the warm weather comes. One great pleasure of a motor tour is getting a puncture near a garage. ” She was only an airman’s daughter, but she moved in high circles. An heiress is a woman who makes a capital wife. THE UNEXPECTED I Dissatisfied Player : “ Look here, captain ! There are two , players you’ve picked to play on Saturday who oughtn’t to be in the side.” Captain: “Oh. indeed! And who is the other ? ” STILL TEMPERAMENTAL. Suzanne Lenglen, whose temperamental outbursts on the tennis court are still remembered even although she has retired from championship games,—is now appearing in the role of an annoyed landlady. She has given notice to the concierge of the house she owns in the Rue du Long because she objected to the concierge hanging linen out of her bedroom window to dry. '• The concierge brought the case to an arbitration tribunal, which has ordered a delay of the execution of the notice in the hope that Mlle. Lenglen will repent BIT BY BIT. Jones was proudly conducting his friend Smith over the new house. It was a comfortable place, and Smith admired it. Yes,” he said, “ you’ve certainly got a very nice house. But I see you haven’t named it yet. What are you going to call it r “Littledown.” “Littledown? What on earth for? That’s hardly suitable for a house in a town like yours.” “Oh, yes, it is. Little down—and balance by instalments.” PROUD. “ My .dear,” said the old man, tenderly. “ to-day is our diamond wedding, and I have a little surprise for you ! ” “ Yes ? ” said his silver-haired wife. He took her hand in his. “You see this engagement ring I gave you seventy-six years ago ? ” “ Yes ? ” “Well, I paid the final instalment on it to-day, and I’m proud to announce that it is now altogether yours ! ” LONELY. If you, are lonely, seek to make Your life a gift for love’s sweet sake, That so you may have lot and part In someone’s need and someone’s heart. If you are lonely do not shirk Your portion in remedial work. But give your time, your heart, your mind, To mercy’s ministrations kind. If you are lonely, there are some Whose loneliness is blind and dumb, And if you have life’s speech and sight, Speak words of joy in sorrow’s night. —A. B. C., in Tit Bits. WORTH THE MONEY. Cohen, walking along the street, met his friend Isaacs, bound in the opposite direction. “Ah, ha ! ” said Isaacs, “ I know vat you are going dis vay for.” “ You don’t,” said Cohen. “ Bet you ten shillings I do,” said Isaacs. The wager was accepted, and Isaacs went on: “ You’re in search of a cheaplooking building. You’ll take the place, stock it with goods, insure* the whole thing, and then some day there vill be: a fire.” Cohen looked thoughtful for a moment, and then pulled ten shillings from his pocket. He handed the money to Isaacs. “You see, Cohen, I vas right after all.” “No. you vasn’t right. But the idea is vorth it.” KING SOLOMON’S MINES. Those who love romance and mystery found both at the British Museum some months ago. An exhibition of important antiquities from the ruins of Zimbabwe, Rhodesia, was held in the Assyrian Basement. . . Zimbabwe is one of the mystery places of the world. The ruins consists of a number of . buildings of stone, Suggesting a higher degree of culture than has. usually been associated with African tribes. The carvings and other articles which the ruins contained, and many of which are now on show at the British Museum, are of a high standard of craftsmanship. At one time it was thought that Zimbabwe was the site of King Solomon’s mines, and that the buildings were very old. That idea is still held by many people, but the balance of evidence seems to be that Zimbabwe was built in the Middle Ages, and that, though gold was made into ornaments there, it is doubtful if it were actually found on the spot. Zimbabwe 1 may, however, have been a centre of the medimval African gold trade.

THE WHOLE TRUTH. Near-sighted- Old Lady (on river steamboat) : “My good man, is this boat going up or down ? ” Deckhand : “Well, ma’am, she’s a leaky old tub, and she might go down, and then again her bilers [boilers] ain’t none too good, and she might go up.” FASHIONS IN DOGS. Every dog has his day, and the cycle of popularity brings many changes. Some times it seems that some breeds bid fair to become almost extinct. The elaborately trimmed and shorn French poodle has not been seen much of late years, while the Dachshund knew a very definite decline in popularity during and after the war. A few French poodles are now to be seen again, the Dalmatian, which was growing lamentably rare, seems to be increasing its numbers, and the Dachshund quite definitely is coining back again. Those who know this quaint little fellow at all know him for an amusing and engaging companion. The dog whose popularity seems to have made the greatest strides of all is the Cairn terrier. The Prince of Wales’s fondness for this little terrier undoubtedly had much to do with its step into favour. Nevertheless, the Cairn deserves to be fashionable. It is one of the few types of dogs which prove a practical proposition in town or country. It is a very sporting little dog, but manages to keep quite happy in town providing it gets its quota of exercise. Its size is another point in its favour. It needs no more room than a lap dog, and is easier to cater for and manage.

DOMESTIC STRATEGY. I’ve often read minute directions, Of how a wife should take her cue From her poor spouse’s imperfections. (I always thought that women knew; But as folk print this kind of hint Perhaps it helps the few.) They tell exactly what my Mary Should do in any given case; And how she should be very chary Of flat defiance to my face, But should pretend to gain her end, To keep her proper place. I know just when I shall be coddled, And, though I cannot justly say That Mary’s plans are always modelled _ On what she may have read that day. Yet she can claim to play the game In quite a clever .way. But never have I found instructions, Since first such lessons were begun, How husbands may; avoiding ructions, Get their own way. No, never one ! So I suppose each expert knows The thing just can’t be done. —C. E. 8., in Home Chat. UNDER-DOGS. It is amazing why we always sympathise with the under-dog. But we do, and will, without much consideration for the facts When we give this sympathy to the fellow underneath it is probably not because we think he is entitled to it, but because we don’t like to see anyone beaten. Even when our favourites are winning in some sporting contest, there is real regret in our mind for the beaten. But there is one solid fact we must ever remember. In a contest there can’t be two winners. It is the same in life. We either succeed or fail. It is good that we should have always at our command a fund of sympathy for those who are beaten, but let our reason come into play at the same time. Maylie the under-dog in some cases is the underdog entirely from his own folly. Even so. it is our prerogative—and a fine thing it is—that, in spite of the wickedness of some failures, we may be generous enough to give him a helping hand. And for those poor souls who suffer through no fault of their own, let us give a cup of sympathy, full and running over.— G. H. G„ in Tit Bits. HIS ANSWER. Commanding Officer (addressing new recruit in battalion orderly room): “ Yes, my man, I want you to consider the regiment as a great band of brothers, and I am the father of the regiment. Are you perfectly sure you understand ? ” Very Raw Recruit: “Yes, dad.” The C.O. and Adjutant are reported to be going on as well as may be expected.

LOVE IS LIKE MEASLES. Now, love and measles, you’ll agree, Are very much the same; You either get them or you don’t, And no one’s much to blame ! You can’t say: “I’ll have measles now ! ” Nor yet: “I’ll be in love ! ” The choice is solely in the hands Of gods who dwell above ! And measles, when you’re very young, Are not a fatal thing; However bad they feel to you, You live again to sing. But when you get them older, then The danger of it starts; And -love does very much the same To older people’s hearts. And. Some by measles are attacked But once, some twice and more. You can’t say:-.“Well, I’ve had it now, . So ne’er again ! I’m sure;” Well, isn’t love like that ? It is ! You think you are immune, When-—-whew!—the symptoms start afresh, And round the place you moon. It goes and comes just as it will At Cupid’s tricky whim; So don’t, ask what he sees in her, Nor why does she love him ! But every cloud is silver-lined; There’s just one thing to say ; That love, like measles, lightly comes, And lightly goes away. —A. M. F., in an exchange. QUALIFIED TO JUDGE. Jessie : “ I was taken to dinner by that officer to whom you introduced me. He was quite gallant, and remarked upon my bird-like appetite.” Tillie: “He should kiiow. dear; he runs an ostrich farm in South Africa.

WHERE DO THEY GO? Life is full of little mysteries. Tons and tons of steel, for instance, are turned every year into razor blades. Blades are used and discarded by the million. Where do they go ? And pins ? About 50 years ago it was calculated that enough pins had been made in England to. cover the whole surface of the land Since then their manufacture has gone on at an increasing rate. They are bought. and used and dropped and they just disappear. Somehow you can understand a pin disappearing, for it is made of soft brass, which soon becomes corroded. But what about needles I Needles are made of very hard steel. They don t wear out, and their business ends retain their sharpness almost indefinitely. Yet one firm in England has been manufacturing needles at the rate of 3.500,000 a week for many years, and for over 200 years millions have been pouring out steadily from works at Redditch. Nowadays modern machinery enables one grinder to point 100,000 needles in a day. Every week Redditch sells enough needles to supply every man, woman, and child in the country with one apiece. Each of us loses on the average one needle a week throughout his or her life.

THE BIRTHDAY CHILD. Everything’s been different All the day long; ' Lovely things have happened; Nothing has gone wrong. Nobody has scolded me. Everyone has smiled’ Isn’t it delicious To be a birthday child ’ R. Fyleman, in the School Journal. SIMPLE. An old woman who was enjoying the signts of the Mersey from the Liverpool landing stage said to a bystander, “Yon’s a tunny ship.” that's n °t a s hip>” the response; it s a dredger.” “Well,” said the old woman, watching intently, “ the men down below filling the buckets ought to get good wages.” HANDICAPPED. The annual rowing contest—Single v. Married—was about to take place. One of the “ single ” crew was asked what sort of a chance they stood. “No earthly,” he replied. “If we win it will be by a fluke.” “ How’s that ? ” “ Don’t you see, we shall be rowing against the ‘tied’ all the way!” THE OFFSPRINGS. The class was taking a lesson in geography. “ Now, Billy,” said the schoolmistress, unrolling a map of Egypt, “ what great river flows through this country ? ” Billy was a bright boy, and he immediately answered. “ The Nile, teacher,” he replied. “ Very good,” praised the mistress. “And now can you tell me what are its tributaries ? ” Billy thought hard for an answer, and finally burst out : “ Why, juveniles, miss.” TAKING BABY’S FINGER-PRINTS. Despite what proud parents may say to the contrary, one baby is very much like another: but there should be no more danger of cases of mistaken identity among infants if a practice now being initiated in Vienna becomes universal.

It has been decided that, in Vienna, as soon as a baby is born its finger-prints will be taken, together with those of its mother. So if any dispute arises regarding an infant’s identity the matter can be settled at once. This is a new development in the history of fingerprints, which were originally simply an aid to the police in the detection of crime. But in some countries the police have now arrived at a stage beyond finger-prints. In Ceylon, for instance, when a native is convicted of burglary or some similar crime, his footprints are taken before he is discharged from prison BEN LOMOND FOR SALE ! One of the best known mountains in the world,is to be sold—-Ben Lomond, the southern outpost of the Scottish Highlands. This is the mountain referred to in the second verse of the famous song “ Loch Lomond,” sung wherever Scots forgather : • 'Twas there that we parted in yon shady glen, On the steep, steep side o’ Ben Lomon’ . . . It has also special associations for the lovers of Scott, as it is one of the landmarks of the “Rob Roy” country. So a suggestion has been made that Ben Lomond should be bought as a memorial to Sir Walter Scott, the centenary of whose death falls in 1932. One of the finest views in the world is obtainable from the summit of Ben Lomond, and Scots all over the world will be uneasy until its fate is finally settled—and the mountain safeguarded for all time.

PRAISE. He made his little world a place, Where mignonette in safety grew. He edged the narrow yard with grace, Built shelters for a bird or two. His neighbours knew him as a friend, The children thought him “ lots of fun.” What more than this at life’s long end Do we repeat of anyone ? The needs of life he understood, He faced the world with smiling eyes. Must one be brilliant to be good? Must one be famous to be wise ? Perhaps man’s greatest praise can be, When all the toil of life is done, He loved all things of land and sea ..And children thought him “lots of fun.” —Edgar A. Guest, in Tit Bits,.

BOOK KNOWLEDGE. The newlyweds had bought a duck for. the evening meal, and as the husband was an amateur at carving, his wife sug-. gested that he should take a few lessons in carving from the cookery book, so that he should not display ignorance before the guests. Newlywed at once got out the book. en, however, the duck was set upon the table that evening, the young husband appeared at a loss. “Go on, dear,” urged his wife, “ you know how to carve ! ” The unfortunate man scratched his head m perplexity. “Of course I do,” he returned, “ but, I can’t find any dotted lines.” QUITE A CHANGE. The waitress spent most of the time doing her hair when she should have been attending to her customers, and the old bachelor called the manager to his table to make a complaint. “ It’s that waitress ” he commenced angrily. “ I’m very glad to hear that, sir,” inters rupted the manager, with obvious relief. “ Glad ! ” snapped the irate patron, rather taken aback. “ Yes, sir,” smiled the manager, “ It’q always a relief to hear a complaint that isn’t about the food.” FOR OUR CHILDREN. We’re always dreaming of what we must do To give to them the finest in the land. It’s for our children’s welfare we have planned. They must have greater joys than those we knew. There are advantages which we can give That will not bother us financially— Our patience with the lives they wish to live, Our low-voiced kindness and swift sympathy. —Anne Campbell, in Women’s Weekly, IN A FIX. Fred and Harold were discussing matri, monial problems on their way up to London from the suburbs. “ Would you advise me to marry a sensible girl or a beautiful girl ? ” asked Harold.

“ I’m afraid you’ll never be able to marry either, Harold,” returned Fred, a, merry twinkle in his eyes. “ Why ? ” queried the anxious Harold, “ Well,” answered the other, “ a beautiful girl could do better and a sensible girl would know better.” POOR FATHER! The harassed human father, overburdened with family cares, whose “ better half ” sends him out with the pram while she goes off to the latest “ talkie,” may take comfort from the fact that he has his counterpart in the animal world. At the London Zoo he may see luckless fathers who are even more harassed than himself. Indeed, there are plenty of instances here of the male parent making himself entirely responsible for the care and upbringing of his children. Mother Alarmoset —that tiny monkey no bigger than a large rat—considers that when she has brought her babies into the world that is as much as can be expected of her. She calls up father, places her baby or babies in' his unwilling, arms, and goes off to enjoy herself. Then there was the case of Father Baboon—one of the merry family -on Monkey Hill. In this instance, however, the circumstances were not quite the same, for the mother baboon had died. The father, instead of remarrying and giving over the care of his baby to a second wife, nobly’ took upon himself the duty of rearing his young one. The baby in question was no beauty’. Its face was wizened, and it looked careworn, as though already tired of life. That father, when holding it, looked very nearly human ! The nilgai—those large antelopes with ox-like heads—also make good fathers, the male parent always following his baby watchfully round the enclosure. Even the king of beasts himself—old Leo—has been known to do duty as a nursemaid; but he didn’t take to the job kindly. Lionesses do not always make good mothers, and on one occasion the Zoo authorities, fearing the mother might do her cubs some injury, called in the aid of the father. They shut the cubs up in a cage with him and hoped for the best. Father Lion minded the youngsters for a couple of days with a very bad grace. Then, getting tired of the job, he killed them !