Editor's Walles.

Otago Witness, Issue 3853, 17 January 1928, Page 83

Editor's Walles.

MY MIND IS A DAILY PAPERED ROOM.

My mind is a gaily papered room. You know the pattern! Roses bloom, And climb upon a trellis high To ceilings bluer than the sky.

Outside there is storm and cold and gloom. Aly mind is a gaily papered room. Where every rose that seeks the blue Is coloured by my dreams of you! —Anne Campbell, in Women's Weekly. HOW HE DID IT. The vicar was talking very severely to one of the younger members of his flock. “William,” he said. "I hear that you have been raising false hopes in several maiden hearts. If all I hear is true, you are engaged to one girl in this village, another in Little Mudford, and a third in Ditchley. How can you ever do such a thing? ” William grinned uneasily. “Why. parson,” he explained. " I’ve got a bicycle! TWINS AND TONES. The twins were very much alike, but their father, a piano tuner, had an excellent method of identifying them. He explained to an admiring friend one clay that he could always tell the difference between them even in the dark. The method was to pinch them. “ But,” cried his friend, " you surely wouldn’t do that? It would make them ’cry, poor little things,” “Precisely’,” replied the father; "that is the idea. Listen. This one -he pinched one of the twins —“ is evidently’ Billy’, he cries in high C. While this ”■— he pinched the other—“is James. He is always a semi-tone lower.” “ GROCETERIA.” “ Groceteria ” is the word coined for the newest thing in grocery distribution. For a long time “cafeteria” has been acknowledged as the best way of serving meals in a popular cheap restaurant. Each custodier takes a tray, chooses his meal at a counter and the necessary implements, finds a table, and falls to; no waitress and no tips. Now comes “ groceteria.” When you go into the grocery store, you are provided with a paper basket, and help yourself from the various counters, putting all you select into your basket. Leaving by’ a turnstile, the contents of your basket are quickly counted, your bill made out. pay at the desk, and that’s that. A tremendous saving in labour. No counter weighing, all goods being done up ready in sealed packets. The system has much to recommend it.

A WIFE'S LOT. It must be very tedious To live with one like me. And have to guess from day to day Just what I’d like for tea. And know whene'er I start a tale Just what it's going to be. It must be very tedious At best to be a wife And every Tuesday darn his socks Unto the end of life, And every Sunday hear him shout. “ Who’s used the carving knife? ” I'd say a woman’s lot is hard To have to think and plan. Io sew and stitch and cook and sweep, To scour each pot and pan. And every’ wakeful minute be Considerate of a man. And. oh. if were the tables turned, And I the wife, and she The husband coming scowling home, As oft’s the ease with me, I wonder with his every whim Could I so patient be? I fancy I should fly at him. Or leave for good and all, Or bounce the teapot on his head, Or else my vows recall. But she who is a wife to me With patience bears it all. — Edgar A. Guest, in Answers. THE BURDEN OF LEARNING. The inspector was paying his monthly visit to the village school. He examined the children in reading and general knowledge, as was his custom, and was very with the answers he received, k After the last question had been asked Wand answered satisfactorily he rose to his feet and, looking slowly round on the upturned faces, he remarked genially: “ I wish I was a little boy’ at school again.” He allowed a few moments for this to sink in and then added: “ Do you know why I wish that? ” For a moment or two there was silence, and then a childish voice from the back of. the room was heard to say: “ ’Cos you’ve forgot all you ever knowed.” DEAR OLD BIRDS. Next to canaries, parrots are the “best ■sellers ”in the London bird trade. Search the live stock department of any . London stores and you will find scores of green Amazon and grey parrots. They live long (60 years on an average) with but little care, arid there is always a demand for , them. ■

In West Africa and places where parrots abound catching and training them is a regular trade. A few are taken from the nest, but the majority are snared. . .

Parrots have a weakness for the seed ■of the cotton tree, which intoxicates them and leaves them an easy prey’ to the cunning catcher. Birds are attracted by’ a tame decoy, and then, the trapper finds it a simple matter, lying in hiding, to slip a noose ovet their heads.

MY SILENT BARBER! Once my barber as he lathered Busily’ my classic face On a host of subjects blethered

At the dickens of a pace! Drama, politics, or racing-— Easily it seemed to come, While I sat the mirror facing, SoapOound, dumb! Now he seems to have a pensive, Not to say dejected air, And that range of themes extensive I am never asked to share. Yes. the stream once freely flowing Now runs dry. I am afraid. Since he has a great and growing Ladies’ trade.

For his voice is never heard in Conflict with their ceaseless buzz. If he ever gets a word in That’s the very most he does. They have talked him down completely, Left him beaten, void of hope, And to-day’ I smile discreetly’ 'Neath the soap! — C.E.8., in Home Chat. TAKING HIM LITERALLY. " Who has been monkeying with my’ private notepaner? ” shrieked the infuriated official as he searched his desk. The office boy appeared in the doorway, a cherubic grin on his face. I saw Mr Jimson writing a letter,” he murmured. “And who’s Mr Jimson? ” “ He's the man that cleans the winders,” replied the boy. The official swung round in his chair and glared at his office boy. "Jimmy.” he said, “we call men by their names in this office. No mistering in this place, and don’t you forget it.” A few minutes later the boy stuck his head in the door. “ Gent to see you. George.” he said.

THE QUEEN’S PORTRAIT.

Lord Ribblesdale has many delightful stories to tell of Queen Victoria, whom he served as a Lord-in-Waiting at Windsor.

“ In the room where she always dined.” he says in “ Impressions and Memories’” 7 hung a portrait of her. done, I imagine, in the late ’seventies, by’ Von Angeli. In its way this is a good example of the master, and a good portrait of Queen Victoria in 1885. . . . The Queen never liked it from the first. On its first being hung in her oak-lined dining room at Windsor she asked the Duchess of Atholl what she thought of it. The Duchess, a downright woman, with a robust Scotch accent, replied: ’lt is justice without mercy, ma'am.’ ”

THE PIG AND THE DAFFODIL. A pig. one springtime morning, was astonished to descry A daffodil a-growing in the mud beside his sty.

And she looked so sweet he ate her. which was crude of him, it's true. But he showed his admiration in the onlv way he knew!

And I gazed at him in horror that so golden-bright a thing Should be eaten, at its fairest, by’ a porker in the spring. Then the farmer passed me. smiling. “Wherefore vex yourself.’’ said he. “ That a pretty golden blossom has fulfilled her destiny?

“ For she might have withered slowly, all unfruitful and forsaken. Instead of which, quite shortly, she will bloom again—as bacon! ” MEMORIES. Mrs Alabbot was rather tired of her (lark Jiving room, and had decided to take tea out of doors. “ Now that we are having such warm weather I would like to have tea in the garden, Mary,” she said to the new maid. The maid sighed wearily. There was quite enough work to be done without having to carry food outside, she thought. Her mistress caught the expression on the maid’s face. “ It wouldn’t be too much trouble, would it? ” she asked. “ Oh, no. ma’am,” returned the maid in resigned tones. “ I’d rather like it. It’ll remind me of the time when I used to feed the pigs at home.” NOTHING LIKE THAT. Two sportsmen, putting up at a cottage for a holiday, found the rain interfering with their - arrangements. They also noticed that an old-fashioned barometer, hanging upon the living room wall, invariably’ registered “Very’ Fair.” At last one of them drew the householder’s attention to this. “ Don’t you think,” he said, “ that there’s something wrong with your glass?” “ Na. sir.” answered the old Scot haughtily. “ She’s a guid glass, but she’s no’ moved by trifles.” THE CHINA COUPLE. Upon a kitchen mantelpiece A china, couple dwelt; She was a Dresden Shepherdess, And he for her love felt. She wore a simple painted gown, And he a hat of blue; He doffed it to her as he said. “ Sweet maiden, I love you.” “O will you be my little bride, And come away’ with me? . And we will go to Fairyland And there we’ll happy’ be.” The Shepherdess she answered, “Yes. I’ll gladly go with you.” So she went off to Fairyland With the lad in hat of blue. — Mary Pitts, in The Young Authors.

MOTHER. I am a woman’s hopes and dreams. 1 wonder does she see The grown-up man when life began She prayed would some day’ be. How many of her dreams have I Not knowing crushed and killed? Along life’s slopes how many hopes Have I for ever stilled? I wonder did the man she seemed In fancy’ once to see, When time had flown, and I was grown, At all resemble me?

For I have failed and faltered oft And stumbled on the way. And of the one for ever gone, She has no. word to say.

She never mentions .him she saw In visions round my’ bed; The dream is done, that nobler son Is now for ever dead. And I am grown to what I am, And brave she tries to be. No longer lives the dream. She gives Her boundless love to me. — Edgar A. Guest, in an exchange. NOT A POPULAR PERSON. It was a dark and stormy night in the Channel, and the officer, returning to his ship, slipped on the gang-plank and fell into the seething water. One of-the men who witnessed the accident very pluckily went to the rescue, and after a severe struggle brought him aboard. The officer was profuse in his thanks. “And to-morrow I'll thank you before the whole ship’s company.” “For goodness’ sake don’t do that, sir,” pleaded the hero in alarm. “If they thought I’d saved your life they’d half kill me.” INGRATITUDE. The oy’ster shields the baby pearl And rears him as her own, And then the parasitic churl Absconds when older grown. Like every’ other parvenu, His actions sorely vex — He leaves the oyster in a stew And hangs ’round little necks! THAT WAS ALL. A woman rang up the editorial office of a certain newspaper. “Is there an information bureau for readers? ” she asked firmly. “ What do you want to know? ” asked a kindly voice.

" I’ve just told you,” answered the woman.

I know; but what do you want? ”

“ I want to know whether there’s an information bureau there for the use ” “ Yes, yes,” shrieked the other voice. “But what do you want to know?” " I’ve told you twice, and ” “ Right,” said the other. “ There’s no information bureau, but if you’ll only tell me what you ”

“ Thank you, it’s quite all right,” murmured the woman wearily. “ I’ve found out all I wanted to know. Good-bye! ”

A “ BARE ” ESCAPE.

A certain explorer once entertained a company’ with hair-raising stories of his adventures in the Polar regions. “And once,” he was saying, “ I was met by’ a Polar bear when my’ gun was unloaded. I had no means of escaping from the monster. Tears came to my eyes as I thought of my wife and children.” “And then •’ breathed the audience excitedly. “■Why,” continued the explorer, “the tears froze hard as a rock, and, ramming them into my’ gun, I shot the Polar bear, through the brain! ” RED ROOFS. The day I left the countryside And took my way to town, I left behind the fairy’ groves Bestrewn with thistledown. No elfin homesteads could I find, Nor leafy’ huts; .instead - A lot of houses built of brick With chimneys overhead. Ami rows and rows of bungalows Where ev’ry roof .was- red!. The day I left the grimy town To wander home again’ I - stepped..within a’-.cosy -.copse.. To shelter from the rain. And there I spied an elfin band AH running on ahead To hide beneath the toadstood tops Which o’er the ground was spread. I’d found a town in Fairyland Where ev’ry “roof” was red! — Geoffrey Wright, in Tit Bits.

WISDOMETTES. Short-sighted men make the best workers; they’ can’t see when the foreman is looking. Some girls smile because they have a sense of humour; others because they have dimples. * * * Of those who never hurry or worry, some are born so; others have obtained posts in Govermnent offices. Lots of people mean what they say when they state they have nothing but sympathy for the deserving poor. * * M The good thing about golf is that it keeps you fit. Fit, that is. to play more golf. * * * The pedestrian has the right of way. we read. And all he needs is a, couple of revolvers to prove it. WILLING TO OBLIGE. The famous criminal lawyer had won a shockingly bad ease by’ his eloquence alone, and a rival member of the same profession said to him bitterly: "Is there any case so low. so foul, so vilely crooked and shameful that you would refuse ft? ” The successful lawyer smiled and then burst into laughter. He never allowed himself any scruples or considered anybody else’s. I don t know/’ he replied cheerfully. " But, tell me, what have you been doing now? ”