FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3662, 20 May 1924, Page 58

FUN AND FANCY.

When the term of the old negro preacher had expired, he arose and said: "Breddren, de time am heah fo' de relection ob yo’ pastoh for anudder yeah. All dees laborin’ me fo’ yo’ pastoh will please say ‘Aye.’ ” The preacher had made himself rather unpopular, and there was no response. “Ha,” he said, “silence gibs consent. I’se yo’ pastoh fo’ anudder yeah.” “Was there any evasion on his part when you asked him for the money?” inquired the manager. “None, sir,” replied the collector. “The evasion was all on my side. He tried to kick me out.” Cyclist (thinking to have a joke with Simple Sammy): “Is it true that you can see as far as Australia from the church?” Simple Sammy: “Oh, you can see farther than that.” Cyclist: "What 1 Farther than Australia?” Simple Sammy: “Yes, to the sun !” A short-sighted man was playing golf. Just before he drove off he said to his caddie, “Flow far to the next hole?” “A good drive and a putt,” said the caddie. The man topped his shot and the ball rolled a few yards. “You’ve played the putt first,” said the caddie. “Now you’re in the soup.” A Jew was standing in a saloon bar counting his change carefully to see if the barmaid had given him too much: To him came a co-religionist, who asked: “Veil, Abe, going to buy me a drink?” Abe: “Vat, cadging for drinks again? About time you bought me vun; anyvay, vat will you have?” “A vislcy and soda.” Abe: “Oh, no, you von’t; only vun drink at a time, if you please.” An Englishman was on a walking tour in the Flighlands, and as he reached the outskirts of Dunkeld he espied an old man standing on the bridge staring contemplatively at the river. Going up to him, he inquired, pleasantly, “Can you tell me where I can get a good glass of whisky in this village?” The old man smiled craftily and shook his head. “No, na, I canna do that, mister,” he replied, “but I can tell ye whaur you can get twa.” —An Australian priest used to spend his holiday converting the natives of Papiyr. As their names were unpronounceable, he used to rechristen them. Having immersed one native in the nearest pool, he told him his name was now Pat, and that he must not eat meat on rridays. The next fast day the priest observed the newly-made Christian devouring a piece of raw flesh, but his expostulations were cut short by the indignant convert. “I no eat meat!” announced the latter. “I put him in de water and I christen him ‘fish.’” Henry was fed up with the lesson. He had ceased to attend. Ihe teacher droned on. “On your left hand you have the Gulf of Persia, and—now, Henry, what have you on your right hand?” Henry caught the latter half of the sentence, and glanced down “A wart,” he said, sulkily. A well-known artist whose oicture of a group of angels had created a sensation came across a pavement artist. “I am So-and-so,” he said. “I painted the picture of the angels of which everyone is talking. Your work shows promise; but what is that fish you are drawing?” “A sturgeon, sir,” replied the man. “But have you ever seen a sturgeon?” “Have you ever seen an angel, sir?” She had become engaged to the handsome foreign count against the wishes of her family. One day she said to him: “Oh, if you but knew how I have to fight for my love! My father is always saying he would give a thousand pounds for me never to see you again.” The count jumped up. “Is he,” he hissed —“is he in hees office now—yes?” The old lady had just paid her rates, and was in anything but a happy mood as she entered the car on her wav home. When the conductor came for her fare she looked rather sourly at him. “How much do you get a week, young man?” she asked him. The conductor told her. “No wonder ttie rates are high,” she snapped, “when they pay you all that money for just running up those steps.” “They don’t, mum,” retorted the conductor; “we get half of it for running down.” A man whose sentences were so many that more than half his life had been spent in prison arrived once more to be in the governor’s charge. “What, here again!” said the governor. “What’s it for this time?” “Well, guv’nor,” replied the prisoner, “just look at the weather.” —“Didn’t your husband storm when you showed him your milliner’s bill?” “I should say he did.” “Well, what did you do?” “Oh, I showed him the dressmaker’s bill, and then he was speechless.” Ethel: “Please can you tell me the time?” Willie: “I don’t know exactly, but I know it isn’t four o’clock yet.” “Are you sure?” “Quite; ’cause I have to be home by four, and I’m not home yet.” Explorer (to visitors) : “Our situation was so remote that for a whole year my wife never saw a white face but mv own.” Sympathetic Young Woman : “Oh, the pool thing !” —A: “That man was a waiter for ten years, and now he’s worth twenty thousand!” B: “All for waiting ten years?” A: “Yes; his rich uncle died then.” —“Who is the responsible man in this firm?” asked the visitor. “I don’t know who the responsible party is,” answered the office boy sadly, “but I am the one who always gets the blame!” She rejected him coldly. “I must have a strong, silent man, full of grit,” she said. “Try a deaf and dumb dustman,” he growled. Bobby, aged four, was taken to church for the first time (since his own christening) to the christening of his baby sister, and was very much impressed by the vicar in his white surplice. A few weeks afterwards his mother took him to the ordinary morning service, arid as the choir boys came from the vestry into the church Bobby, who was in one of the front pews, nudged his mother and said, “Oh, mummy, look at all the little vicars!” The happy father of triplets explained to a friend that he could only account for it by the fact that his wife had been to see the film version of “The Three Musketeers.” Good heavens!” replied the friend; “and my wife has just been to see ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’!” First Guest: “I’m sure I don’t know whv they call this hotel The Palms, do you? I’ve never seen a palm anywhere near the place.” Second Guest: “You’ll see them before you go. It’s a pleasant little surprise the waiters keep for the guests on the last day of their stay 1”