FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3619, 24 July 1923, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

—‘‘John, am I still the light of your life?” “Don’t talk nonsense. I paid a three-guinea gas bill this morning.” —“Dobson is always bragging about his courage. Is he really cool in the face of danger?” “Well, his feet are.” turning sour is to leave it in the cow,” is the wise suggestion of a modern schoolboy. “There was the lion laying right before me.” “ ' Lying,’ old man, ' lying.’ ’’ “I’ll take my oath 1 ain’t!’’ Office Boy: “Somebody’s not afraid to let the old man know what they think of him. Here’s a letter marked ’ Personal.’ I hope it’s a stinger!” “Why did they select the stork tc couple with the doctor? Why not the eagle o rthe owl?” “The stork is the bird with the biggest bill.” Musical Mother (to nurse) : “If baby won’t go to s eep. bring her here. I'll sing to her. ’ Nurse: "On, madam, it won’t •’ • 1 have already threatened her with that.” l ,ii Well-meaning Old Lady: ‘Thank you so much for your song, my dear. It took mo back to my childhood days on my father’s farm. When I shut my eyes and listened to your singing I seemed to hear the dear old gate creaking in the wind.” —“No, .my husband has never spoken a harsh word to me in his life.” "Ah—charming man ! Fo considerate, eh?” “Oh, no! So cautious!” Nurse: “Do you know what happens to little boys who eat a lot of dates?” Owen: "They turns into almanacs, 1 sup pose, nurse.” —“So you asked Margaret lo marry you?” “Yes. but I didn’t have any luck. She asked me if I had any prospects.” “Why didn’t you tell her about your rich uncle?” “I did, hang it all! Margaret is my aunt now.” Captain (to new middy): “Well, boy, the old story. I suppose—fool of the family lent to sea?” “Oh, no, sir,” piped ihe aoy; “that’s all altered since your day.” Smith: “Hallo! What’s your hurry?” Jones: "I want to catoh the five-fifty.” Smith: “But you’ve got half an hour.” Jones: “That’s true, but I have to count on being stopped on my way to the station by three or four idiots who want to know why I’m hurrying ” Herbert,” said the teacher, “answer this: Do we eat the flesh of the whale?” “Yes, sir,” said Herbert. “And what do we do with the bones?" “We leave them on the side of cur plate, sir.” —“So you don’t like working for highbrows?” “I don’t. I worked for one pair of them—and never again! Him and her was fighting continually, and -it kept me running back and forth between the keyhole and the dict onary all the time.” Mistress (to Mary about to be married): “And where did you meet your young man, Mary?” Mary: “Oh, at uncle’s funeral, mum. lie was the life end soul of the party.” —“There’s ton shillings missing from my desk," said the employer sternly, “and only voa and I have a key. What about it?” “Well, sir,” replied the office bov cheerfully, “let’s pay five bob each and say nothing about it.” Mr Littlerest: “Doctor, what did you tell me was your special treatment for sleeplessness?” Doctor: “I strike at the cause o rthe origin of the trouble.” Mr Littlerest: “You don’t say so! Well, tou’ll find the baby in the other room. Only don’t spank him too hard.” The very slick business man rushed down the stairs of his office and hailed + the first vehicle he saw —an ancient hansom. “Waterloo in three minutes.” he cried, as he jumped inside. “Righto,” said the cabby. “Station or battlefield?” A teacher told a class of boys to write down the difference between a biographv and an autobiography After much reflection one small bey produced the following: “A biography is about a good man. such as a bishop, but a naughty biography is the life of a lady.” ’Hie barrister was cross-examining an important witness. “When did the robbery take place?” “I think ’’began the witness. “We don’t care what you think, sir. We v.ant to know .chat you know.” “Then if you don’t want to know what I think I may as well leave the box. I can’t talk without thinking. I’m not a lawyer.” A school inspector put a few questions to a class of boys on the common objects in the schoolroom. “What is the use of that map?” he asked, pointing to one stretched across the corner of the room. And half a dozen shrill voices answered in chorus: “Please, sir, it’s to hide teacher’s bicycle!’’ A large house, which had been vacant was taken, and many men were busy get ting it -eady for the new tenant. The women of the neighbourhood were eager to know who the new tenant could be. One of them asked the workmen, and hurried to her friends to tell them that the house had been taken bv the Countess of Ayr. They discovered afterwards, however, that it was only the county surveyor ! A Scotsman in London could not find accommodation for the night, and was put up by a friendly Englishman whom he met. Next morning: “Well, did you sEep well?” asked the host. “Fine.” “Like the supper last night?” “Grand.” “Breakfast 0.K.?” “Pplendid.” “Well—er — what about a pound?" “Man,” said the Scotsman, “that would be a godsend!” Once, when King Edward visited Ireland, he made a tour of some remote districts. At one place the oldest inhabitant, thinking lie should make his presence felt. "• decided to shout for three cheers for the King, when suddenly ho realised he did riot know what his title was. However, lie made a shot at it and roared out: “Three cheers for King Henry the Sixth.” The populace was satisfied, and “Three cheers for King Henry the Sixth” was the cry all along the roads and up the mountain sides.

“A horse that will be any good at all will ooet at least £160.” declared a speaker at a meeting at Christchurch this week, when a request was put to him to buy a horse for work at the sewerage farm to replace one that was too old for further •ervice. ‘‘The horses are not in the country,” he added, “and in a few months it will be impossible to get one for love or money. The other d- I saw a i rrso put up for sale by auction which I gave *• sl9 for 20 years ago, and it fetched £35.”