FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3571, 22 August 1922, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

Algernon: “Tommy, do you think your sister would marry me? - ’ lommy: “Yes; she's marry almost anybody now, from what she said to ma.” President of Middle Europe State: “Where is the army?” His Secretary: “He’s out rowing in the navy.” Ola Lady: “Why don’t you get ■work?” Tramp: “I’m a conscientious man, lady, an’ I can’t find any business that ain’t full of profiteerin’.” Optimist: “No news is good news.’” Pessimist: “Perhaps; but we won’t agree that no luck is good luck. Fare (who lias a train to catch): “I gay, cabby, can’t you go any faster?” Ancient Jehu: “00, aye, I could, but I’m no allowed tae leave ma cab.” Publican (to customer who has just been sorved with a glas3 of beer): “It looks like rain.” Customer (thoughtfully): “And tastes like it!” “Ah, well,” said the schoolboy, as he discarded the stump of a paternal cigar, “I suppose discretion is the better part of pallor.” Reggie: “I can see the tips of your ears, dear!” Phyllis: ‘‘Well, what of it.'” “Is that an accident, or are ears coming back gradually?” Judge (impatiently): “We must have less noise in court. I’ve tried three eases already, and I haven’t been able to catch a word of the evidence.” Mother: “Why are you crying, my little dear? Don’t you want to go sailing in this nice boat?” Willie: “No, I don’t. The man said their would be a spanking breeze. ’ Avnes: “Big guns always make a report when they are fired.” Pitt: “And tome who think themselves big guns are fixed when they report.” —Mr Newlywed: “How about a lobster for supper, dear?” Mrs Newlywed: “Do you thing lobsters are healthy?” “I shouldn’t cave to eat one that wasn’t.” Parker: “Closaman lets his friends’ misfortunes touch him deeply, doesn't he?” Hallet: “Yes; without letting his friends do the same thing, however.’ Redd: “He's what I call a brave man.” Greene: “What do you mean by a brave man?” “He s not afraid to die. “How do you know he's not afraid to die?” '“Because he lets his wife drive the car when he’s in it.” Little Jimmy Brown, with a paper parcel under his arm, stood watching a game of cricket in a vacant field. “Hurry home, Jimmy 1” said a kind old gentleman. “Hurry home, or you’ll he late for dinner.” “No, I won’t,” said Jimmy, tapping his paper parcel. “They can’t start without me; I’ve got the meat for dinner here.” Evelyn: “I see that you’re admiring my st-ockings. Don’t they glisten beautifully? And yet they’re not real silk, you know. They’re an artificial silk made of wood.” Bertie: “Wood, eh? Then that accounts for the ladder just above your ankle. - ’ Shopkeeper: “’Ere, I don t the yiug of this florin!” Oustomer: “You re a Hoomin’ optimist, you are. What do you expect for two bob—a peal o’ bells?” Reginald: “Flying becomes more popular every day I wonder if anyone can invent a suitable name for the new fad?” Archie: “I would suggest ‘Flyphoid fever,; ‘lnflewen/.a,’ “Aerosipelas,’ or ‘Kkyatica. Dora: “Jack was quite poetical about you. He said that when he is with you fie can think of nothing but the presentth 9 beautiful present.” Flora: “Well, I wish he’d bring it along.” —• Jimson was proud, of his new car, though it was by no means a beauty; but his pride was destined to he taken down He pulled up before an hotel, and one of the local loafers immediately remarked to his friend who wag helping him to loaf; “Look ’ere, Bill! See what they’re givm away with a tin o’ petrol now!” Judge (to old. man): “Are you not ashamed to steal at your age?” Old Mail: “Well, your honour, when I was young I was asked if I was not ashamed, &uo,b a young fellow, to steal? “And when I was full grown, I was asked if I was not ashamed, such an able-bodied man, to steal? ■When is a man to steal?” “Do you think, Professor,’ said the ambitious youth, “that I shall ever be able to do anything with my voice? Well, was the cautious reply, “it may come in handy to raise the neighbourhood in case of invasion.” . Two Whitechapel tailors were having an argument which seemed to be leading to a deadlock. “Well,” said the obstinate one,” and suppose I don’t. What will you do then?’ The other man wagged a warning finger. “I’ll intViult- m.y tiholitliit-or, he said, i and hell obthruct me. A teacher, in reply to questions, stated that “trickling” was another word for running and that “anecdote” meant a snort tale/ He then asked the children to construct a sentence containing these words. One of the answers was : ‘ A dog was trickling down the street with a tin can tied to its anecdote.” . . When Alexander Lee announced ms engagement to Violet Linkins, everybody m the neighbourhood congratulated him on winning such a hard-working woman, nut Gus Rustling remarked: “’Feared like yo woulchi’ nevah speak up. Alexander Its goin’ on six months since yo’ began iiodiin ’round vi.l vi'let." “Dat’s so” Alexander admitted frankly; “but Ah ciidnt lose mah job till last night.” “Weil, Pat‘” said Bridget, ‘what Kind of a bird have you brought home in the ca/ ... “It’s a raven,” replied Pat. A raven? And why did you bring home a bird like that?” “Well. I read in a paper the other day that a raven has been known to live for three hundred years. _ I don t believe i:, so I am going to put it to the tost.” Simpson had been invited to the wedding of his friend Tom. Arriving at the house, he was introduced to the bride. After the ceremony Simpson drew hie friend aside. “Tom,” he whispered, “what in the world is the matter with you? Why, that woman is twice as old as you? Ifer ha.ir and her teeth are false and she s as ugly as a toad!” “You needn’t whisper, Simpson ; she’s also deaf.” “Darling,” he said as lie prepared to put the all -important question to her father, “to-night's 'lie night!” So. with head up and shoulders back, he left her, to win or lose. After a few minules ho returned vvilh a puzzled look on his face. Oil, dear 1 What 13 the matter? Surely papa has not refused?” “I don’t know what he meant,” he replied. “What are you talking about?” ehe asked. “Well, when I asked him if lie would consent to our marriage I don’t know whether ho said, ‘Take her, my boy,’ or ‘Take care, my boy.’ ”