FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3566, 18 July 1922, Page 52

FUN AND FANCY.

less: ‘Don't serve it, sir!” Mrs Snappe: "I just love to sing. 1 should have Lee 1 a bird.’ Mr Snappe: “And 1 a gun.” Mrs ICeene : “You don’t play bridge nowaday-?” Mrs Moulton: “No; tffl servantless. I’m now playing Bridget.” —He (fervently): “I would go through anything for you.” She (sweetly): “Well—tr —let’s begin on vour bank account.” Mapperly: “Miss OJdgirl keeps her age well, doesn't she?” Miss Kostiek: “Well, rise’s pretty careful not to give it away.” —-Boxer’s Trainer (during training): “Ain’t ’e a wonder? Wot footwork! Dps about like the ‘flu.’ dodgin’ a dose o’ quinine.” , Giles: “1 want an indecent mantle.’ Salesman • “An incandescent mantle, I suppose you mean?” Giles: “Aye one o them perverted ’uns.” Topler: “After all. the children are the cream of humanity.” Mason: I hey would be all the better for it if they were oftener whipped cream.” Milton: “Does your wife cry when sue gets angry?” Rhodes: “Yes; it isn fc the heat of her temper that distresses me so much as the dampness.” Daughter: “Papa went off in great good spirits this morning.” Mother: ‘Mercy! That reminds, me—l forgot to ask him for any money ! ’ “The thief took mv watch, my purse, my pocket-book-—in short, everything. “But I thought you carried a loaded revolver?” “I do—but he didn’t find that. Little Reggie: “Mummie, why does Uncle John eat with his knife?” Mother: “Hush, dear! Uncle John is rich enough to eat with the coal shovel, if he prefers 14 L He: “Isn’t. that music heavenly ? Doesn’t it. simply lift you off your feet': ’ She- “lr. doesn’t, seem quite so heavenly as all that. At least, it doesn’t lift you off mine.” . , , Elder Sister: “You and Jack didn t use much gas last night.” Younger Sister: “The reason you didn’t, see any burning was that- Jack" carelessly hung his hat over the keyhole!” . —“Take care of yourself, dear, said she. “Yes, yes, I will,” said the curate. “Do, said she, still anxious, “and remember, don’t stand with your bare head on the damp ground.” , —“Hullo,” said Jones to Brown as lie met him in the street, “saw your wife yesterday.’ “What did she say ( asked brown. “Oh. nothing. Why? Then it wasn't my wife.” „ , Fuller: “Gabbleton tells a funny story of how he diddled a taxicab driver.” Phelps : ‘ He’s a liar !” Fuller : “Ah ! You know Gabbleton?” Phelps: “No; but. I know taxicab drivers.” Robinson; “Dear me, I m tired! My wife got me up at six o'clock this morning ” Kinglev : “What did she get you up so early for?” Robinson: “She wanted to catch the midday train. Sentimental Smith: “Old friends are the bast friends, ar e they not?” Harriet Hardfax: “They are not. They hare an unerring memory for your age and family secrets, and they tell em. ’ “Father,” persisted the small boy. “what is a speculation?” Father looked up with genuine annoyance from his newspaper. "A speculation,’ he said, “is the seamv side of an investment. —Teacher : “Which one of the five senses, sight, feeling, hearing, taste, or smell, could you get- along best without?” Small Boy: “Feeling, because when you get in an accident you won’t get hurt. Peters: “Why do you encourage your boy to send his verses' to the magazines? Do you want him to be a poet? ’ Mason: “No*; I merely want him to get the conceit knocked out of him, that’s all.” “what brings us the greatest comfort.?” “An acquittal,” responded a person who i should never have heen admitted Manageress: “Yes, in teaching shorthand and typewriting we ate strong on accuracy.” Inquirer: “How are you on speed?” Manageress: “Well, the last girl we sent out married her employer in three —“My wife has been studying geology, and the house is .so full of stones that I can’t find a place to sit down.” “What will you do about it?” “I’ve induced her to take up astronomy.” “Is that any better?” “Of course; she can’t collect specimens!” Tillage Doctor: “To what do you attribute your lemarkable age and your wonderful health?” Old Inhabitant; “Well. I got a pretty good start on mostpeople by bein’ born afore germs were discovered. an’ so I have bad less to worry about !’’ —Mr Meekton - “I’ll never forget the day I proposed to my wife. 1 must have appeared very absurd.’ Mr Quail: “Did she laugh at you?” Mr Meekton; “No. I sometimes wish she bad. Maybe I’d have forgotten my embarrassment and changed the subject.” Two Irishmen were standing in the j ■tern of a Channel steamer. Said Mike : “Oi can’t see how the captain foinds his way across the channel at all. Now, if we was gem’ the other way. he’d only have to follow that whoite streak o’ foam there. But if ye go up the other end o' the boat, ye’ll foind there’s niver a mark to go by.” Little I’ eter stood on the steps of the | house, watching the vicar depart. Peter was armed with a pea-shooter. At the sight of tlic big black hat bis eyes gleamed. He raised the pea-shooter and aimed. His mother made him apologise. "Well.” she said afterwards, “are you really sorry?” “Yes ! But I’m glad 1 didn’t: miss. Yos it was my lasi pea !’ After being injured by a bull of peculiarly savage temper, a farmer was under a doctor’s care for a considerable time, and thereby incurred a heavy bill for medical attendance. When be had almost recovered, a friend congratulated him upon looking so well after such a long illness. “Looking well!” echoed the farmer. “I ought to be looking well. There’s been nearly fifty pounds spent in repairs on me lately’, and I’m not finished yet!” An actor was stopped by a pretty girl, who pinned an chrysanthemum in his buttonhole, gave him a dazzling smile, and hurried off without a word. The same evening the actor received a note from the girl, reminding him of the afternoons romantic episode, and asking him to solid her two scats as a memento of the occasion. The actor, with a grim smile, ■Hatched up a post-card and wrote these lines: “I should be delighted to send .volt the seats as a memento, hut ou personal Investigation at the theatre I find (hat they ar« all nailed down.”