FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3555, 2 May 1922, Page 50

FUN AND FANCY.

Audley: “Every man has his troubles.” Bas: Yes, and most of them wear skirts.” Winnie: “It’s easy enough to please a woman. Dick: “All you have to do is to make a fool of yourself over her.” -“7 Hilton : “Lovars always whisper sweet nothings. Gough: “Ay, but the girl, at least, hopes that they may eventually mean a great deal.” Poet: “Woodman, spare that tree.” Woodman : “All right, mate. But no more wood-pulp, no more paper, and no more pootry, you know !” ~ Mistress (engaging maid): “Was your ‘cnl mistress satisfied with you?” Maid: , ell, ma am, she said she was very pleased when I left.” A Government form was recently filled «P by a foreign resident as follows : Name: Abraham Cherkowsky. Born : Yes. Business : Rotten. Gough: “Where there is space, there is always room for something else.” Winter: No; you can’t, for example, move a big idea into a vacant mind.” 7~Little Gertie: “Oh, mummy, this catechism is very hard!” Mother: “Persevere with it, darling!” “But, mummy, can't you got me a kittychism?” Mary: “So you turned him down.” Nora: “Absolutely! He told me he was connected with the movies, and then I saw him driving a furniture van.” Employer: “Smith, you’re discharged ! Office Boy : ‘‘But I’ve done nothing absolutely nothing!” That’s why you’re discharged!” Y ou,ng : “This nation cannot be trusted to support and defend liberty.” Brett: No; the only nation that can be depended upon to do that is indignation.” Parker: “Why don’t you pay a visit to the old home town?” Bones: “I went away in a lord.” “Well?” “I’m waiting until I can go back in a Rolls-Royce.” Dodd : “A woman’s life is divided into two great periods.” Todd: “Explain yourself. ‘The first sh© spends looking for a husband, and the second looking after him.”

Reggie: What’s the matter, old man? You look as if you’d been sentenced to hard labour for life.” Bert: “I’m afraid I have been. Miss Millyuns has just refused me.”

Wrecked Motorist (’phoning): “.Send assistance at once. I’ve- turned turtle.” Voice; (from the other end): “My dear sir, this is a garage. What you want is an aquarium.”

talk to you about, dear,” said the wife. “That's good,” answered the husband; “you usually want to talk to me about a lot of things you haven’t got.” “Come along, now,” ordered the policeman, handcuffing the prisoner’s wrist to his own. “Of course I will, old dear.” said the culprit jovially. “I’m very much attached to you.” Young Wife: “For the first time you forgot: to kiss me this morning.” Resourceful Husband : “Oh, how those words of your relieve me!” “What do you mean, dear?” “Why, I thought you wouldn’t notice it.” Brookes: “I understand that your wife is doing her own cooking.” Fuller: “You are mistaken.” “Boar told me she was.” “Oh, that was just for a little while. Boar was staying with us, and I believe she thought he had stayed a little while too long.” —Mr Meane : “You’ve gone and bought another £3 3s hat, and had it charged to my account. Why didn’t, you ask my permission before indulging in such extravagance?” His Wife: “Because I didn’t want to do anything contrary to your expressed wishes.” Doctor: “Has your husband come out of his semi-consciousness yet, madam?” The Patient’s Wife: “Yes: I believe be had a lucid moment a little while ago.” “What did he say?” “He refused absolutely to take his medicine, and remarked that you were an ass.” Cooper: “I have just heard of a teacher who started poor twenty years ago, and has retired with (he comfortable fortune of £5000.” Hudson: “Very good. How did she do it?”. “Oh, through industry, economy, conscientious effort, indomitable perseverance, and the death of an uncle who left her an estate valued at >4999 19s 6d.” A cattle dealer went into a post office the ether day and handed in a telegram with a clearly-written address, followed only by eight- stroke®. The puzzled clerk inquired whether the strokes meant figures. “Call ’em what you like,” said the man, “so long as they come out the same at the otherr end. My missus can’t read or write, but she can count, and when that telegram reaches her she'll know to expect me home at eight o’clock.” looldng man, as he climbed into the barber’s chair. “I don’t want a hair-cut or a shampoo. Neither do I want any bay rum. hair tonic, hot towels, or face massage. I don’t want tile manicure lady to hold my hand. I just want a plain shave with no trimmings. Do you understand that?” “Yes. sir,” said the barber. “Will you have some lather on your face, sir?” He was an optimistic soul and a sportsman. His pals, whom 'he infected with his enthusiasm, followed his tins blindly, with more often than not: disastrous results. “See what you’ve done !” wailed one of his friends, after a race. “And you told me I could put my shirt on that horse.” “And did you?” “Yes—worse luck.” “Well, then,”- replied the optimistic sportsman, “see the monev you’ll save on laundry hills!”

Roberts had told his employer the old tale about burying his grandmother, to enable him to see the footer match. If was hard luck on him, though, that just as he was about to pass through the turnstile his employer should be standing beside him. But Roberts was sifted with presence of mind. Instead of putting his money down, he turned to the gatekeeper, and said, in a tone loud enough for his employer to hear: “Would you kindly direct me to ihe cemetery? ’ —lt was Christmas Eve, and snow was falling as P.C. 123 patrolled his lonely beat. Suddenly he heard a strange whining noi'se. which he went to investigate. He found a fentive resident seated _ on a doorstep. “You’d better get inside if you don’t, want to catch your death of cold.” said the kindly constable.“ ’Sh!” answered the resident. ' “Hark to The Mis-Mishel-Toe Bough’ on tho gramophone, constable.” “‘Mistletoe Bough’ on the gramophone he blowed!” grinned the constable, as he moved the convivial citizen off the doorstep. “You’r© siltin’ on the bloomin’ cat!”