FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3518, 16 August 1921, Page 47

FUN AND FANCY.

Wealth may not bring happiness, but most people are satisfied with a good imitation. Benjamin: “I always have hard luck.' 5 Nelson: "Soft people have most of the hard luck.” Times means money —and money means “time,” if you happen to take it when the owner is not looking. pany and a love affair. The trouble is to wind them up satisfactorily. A fool is a man who expects to get what he deserves; a wise man, one who takes good care of himself. Taylor: ‘‘How did he make his money ?” Taff: "Speculating.” “Then how did he lo s e it all?” "Speculating.” A man always wants to be first in a woman’s life —but a woman prefers to be the last in the man's. It's safer. -Any up-to-date girl is as well able to take care of herself among men as a Dreadnought among fishing-smacks. —1 he Optimist: “Honesty is the best policy.” The Pessimist: "Vis : be sure vou are right, and you’ll get what’s left.” "Bassley seems to be a very happy man. He never has any bills to pay.” “How’s that?” “No one will trust him.” Johnson: "Don't be too hard on Naylor. He has lets of good in him. Jackson: “Too bad he doesn’t let some of it out.” ye moth-eaten old c rj -•_>! (Confidentially to his passenger) It was the ’orse I was snakin’ to, ma'am." -Mrs Knitt: "Is your husband interested in the vital problems of the day?” Mrs Knott: “You bet! He tries all the beer he can get. hold of.” ‘‘Will you marry me?” he asked. There was a pause. "Tell me one thing first ” she said. "Do you drink anything?” His face lit up. "Anything.” he said. Simpson: “Thankful! What, have I to be thankful fot ? I can’t pay my bills.” Sampson: "Then, man alive, he thankful you aren’t one of your creditors!” —Mr North: “What of the new neighbours?” Mr South: "it is hard to fix their place in society.” “How’s that? ’ “They have neither a motor car nor a gramophone.” Philosopher: “Why do fill married people get uarrokome? Cynic: "I don’t know that they do. The question is do all married pec le get quarrelsome, or do quarrelsoim people only get married?” “No. George,” she muttered, as the miserable youth knelt in a passionate frenzy at her feet, “I can never be yours.” “Well, Doris,” lie answered bitterly, “you might have told me so befoie. and saved me from bagging these trousers.” Old Lady: "1 want a watch that won't tick so loud.” Jeweller's Assistant: “They all tick like this, ma’am; there’s no other kind.” Old Lady: “Tut! I know better. I’ve heard of tii- m ‘silent watches of the night’ ever since 1 can remember. ' A stout sib olmistress, anxious to convev some idea of the relative sizes of different countries, - lid ... < nc ol I ei pupils, "< imbodia is ab( it as large as Siam.” The girl reproduce d this piece of information in a written exercise as follows: “She says Cambodia is about as large as she is.” A wide spec in the fork of two roads used as a terminus for suburban buses was covered with a film of p< trol and water, with the usual mother-of-pearl effect. To Madge the spectacle was new. Looking up at the rank of bums, site exclaimed: "Oh, auntie, look! They've run over a rainbow 1” Returning from the dental surgery, where he had gone to have a tooth drawn, little Henry report r-u as follows:—“The doctor told me ‘fore he began that if I tries! or screamed it would cost me five shillings, but if I was a good boy it would be only half a crown. "Did you scream?” his mother asked. “How could I?” answered Henry. "You only gave me half a crown.” The ex-offiocr had advertised for an "odd” man. and the applicant was ail oxf tidier. "But.” said the proposed employer. “I’m afraid the job is hardly in your line. I have a glass eye. a wooden leg. a wax arm, and false teeth, to say nothing of other shortcomings.” “Oh. that'll be all light, sir,” replied the appli cant. “I’ve had six years’ experience in the assembling department of a motor car factory !” Two women were chatting about a play they had seen the day before. “Funny chap, that Siiakesneare,” said one. “Can’t, er-e anvfhimr in his plays myself." "Nor can I.” said tlm other. “And I'm toLl he didn't even wiite them hi "-'lf." “Who did. then?” “A tea’ < d el Bacon.” “Well, that sounds more likely.” came the reply, “for only a chan ended Bacon would over dream of naming his principal character Oine’ette !" A bishop saw one of his parishioners clinging to a lamp-nost. very drunk. “Wilkins. Wilkins!” said ihe bishop. “Can it be vou? Hoy often nave T preached to you ! Sermon after sermon ! T am so -on v Afior which he walked devctedlv nwav. Rut presently the voice of the drunkard reaelii d him. and he turned hack in the hone of hearing a vow of reformation. ‘ BVn’p." said the man. “if you re really are sorry. I for-forgive you.” A commercial traveller eonneeted with a certain cycle company went ft< rn home to a distant, town just before n happy family event was expected to t d;o place. To set Ids mind at rest lie left instructions with the, nurse to win : “O •ntlenian’s safely arif the exen’ted stranger turned out to I - a hoy. and h" ; r was a . girl to telet "I dy’s - f.'dy arid vied.” Judge of r i- di-may when a few dav- later h<> received a tol'wani con! lining only the ominous word - : “Ta-dem!” Th" hardened oes-i nisi was in the club T ■ a vimj his innings ' B’s ec " 1 ■. led. "A fellow can j :\ c ' -A * i liv. because of the u " t‘>x. »> d he’s e f * aid to die because ' 1 dl-i i . If only the 0 >VPI n“HI I thin! th« . V St ail ; , • j,,. ■' ’ mher. “St: night 1” jetorfed miist i„ „ jr.ne of witln r mg -fil-n. "Ye--, thex’re al! straight-so = tr at if any , 0 f ■: In