FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3514, 19 July 1921, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

—“What is the highest form of animal life?” asked the teacher. “The giraffe!” replied the boy at the bottom of the class. —■ Fatlient: “You pulled me through, doctor.” Doctor (modestly) : “No, it was the work of Providence.” Patient: “Yes, but you’ll charge for it!” Mistress: “What is your name?” Maid: “Miss Jenkins.” Mistress: “But you don't expect me to call you Miss Jenkins?” Maid: “Ho, no. Not if you’ve got an alarum clock.” —Tomlin: “Briggs told me his wife had met with an accident, and he was so afraid she would attempt to be active too soon afterwards.” Major: “What was her injury?” Tomlin: “She fractured net' jaw.” Manager: “Trimble won’t give us any more orders, eh?” Traveller: "Well, he didn’t say so in so many words, but that’s what he- gave me to understand.” Manager: “How's that?” Traveller: “He kicked me out.” Mother: “Bobbie, your Aunt Edith has got a new baby boy. I shall be his aunt, daddy has uncle, and you will be his little cousin.” Bobbie: “Mv word, mother, hasn’t lie been quick in deciding who's to be which?” —“The time has come,” said Mr M. Brick’s wife, “when woman may forsake the light, ephemeral things of life and take up the heavy subjects.” And her husband rejoined, wearily: “Are you going to make bread at home again, Maria?” woman, referring to a guest who was receiving a good deal of attention. “Oh no!” was the reply; “he didn't make himself. He made a remarkable discovery, end the discovery has made him.” “There is always room at the top, young man,” quoted a coal merchant to the lad who wanted to know if there was a vacancy for him in the office. “Yes, I’ve noticed that whenever I've seen the sacks in your waggons go by.” said the youth. ■ —“You seem to have been in a serious accident.” “Yes.” said the bandaged person. “I tried to climb a tree in my motor car.” “What did you do that for?” “Just to oblige a woman who was driving another car. She wanted to use the road.’ Pete was very melancholy, and the preacher had told him not to dwell on his troubles, but, to dismiss them from his mind. “I dunno bout dat,” he replied. “I alius ’lowed when do Lord sends me tribulations he clone spec me to tabulate.” The keen-eyed woman looked at the meat displayed on the butcher's stall for some minutes, and then exclaimed: “Is that English mutton?” “Well, as a matter of fact,” replied the butcher, “the sheep was born in New Zealand. But, madam,” he added in triumph, "it is of English parents!” when I redo in my own carriage!” remarked the tramp as ha told his talc of woe to the kind-looking woman. “You poor man! What a come down ! And, pray, how long ago was that?” she asked, handing him a coin. Pocketing the coin, he replied, a 5 he walked off. “Just forty years ago. ma’am. I was a baby then.” Two ardent fishermen were sitting back to back i:i a boat, and. sport being rather slow they both fell into a half-dose. One overbalanced and went overboard. As ho roso to the stSi'xace, like other loaked round. “Halloa, my friend 1” he cried. “I'd only just missed you. Where have you been?” “Only to see if my bait, was i’ll right,” answered the drenched one c</olly. Mrs Robinson had cautioned her six-year-old daughter repeatedly against handling any object that might contain germs. One day ihe little girl came in and said: “Mother, 1 am never going to play with rny puppy any more, because he has germs on him.” “Oh, no!” replied her mother. "There are no germs on your puppy.” “\es there are,” insisted the child. 1 saw one h-»p.” A man, rushing from his dining room into she hall, and sniffing disgustedly, demanded ot .lames, the loot man whence arose the ctiour that v. as pervading the whole house. To which .Lutes replied: “You see. sir, to-day s a suii.'t day, and trie butler he's ’lgh Church and is burning hmsense; a.nd the cook, she Low Oh urcit and is burning brown paper to iiohviate i'je k- :.ee ..' —Ho w.a_ir;'i what one lrJg.ht- call a polished gentleman, but he took a great LE.tr-i&'st ,ithe local school, ::: sometimes ''ds 'tpired in to put a few questions to the “Now,’ he stud on one occasion, pointing to one brig: ; joungsto”, ■‘w-ot’s the capita; of ’Cl!Mid. “H •'* came the reply l:sa tv Hash; er.d even the teacher's scowl failed to tor ,pi ess tho •r.iggofr that wnot. rippling thro :gh tho room. A Scotsman roamed Macdonald was vary proud of his ancestors, and was never tired of boasting about them. On one occasion he remarked to a friend that his oUui had lived before the Flood. “Weil," replied tho ether. “1 never heard of the tame of Macdonald ganging into the AA,' “Noah’s Ark!” retorted Macdonald, o a temptuouslv. “Who ever hoard of a M.v> s?c«n-ald that hadn't a boat of his own?" —At nil artistic reception one of our minor poets became the ccnt.ro of a circle of admirers, who waited vainly for sumo, witty or poetic conceit. Few writing are fluent dispensers of epigram at a moment's notice, and our author was oppressively mute. At hist somebody became impatient. “Oh, <!o pay something,” she urged. The writer faltered, then gurgled, despora-tcly i “Have you noticed that this year’s pawntickets are pink?” The woman was difficult to please. She had overhauled every comestible in ihe chop, and insisted on getting the best m stock at a p. nny a pound cheaper than the market price. Now it was a question of eggs. "Are you quite sure these eggs are fresh:' "They are, madam.” “You will guarantee them?” “I will, madam.” “But how am I to know that you know Ihov are fresh?” “AU dear lady.” said the exhausted shopman, with incisive emphasis, “if you will kindly step to the telephone and rmg up our farm, you will bear the hens that laid them s i:l cackling ! I’m afraid I can’t -ay any more than that.'’