FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3512, 5 July 1921, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

Don’t call a man hard names unless you know he is soft enough to permit it. —lt is just as well to look out for the fellow who is always looking out for himself. _ The thing women puzzle most over in life is what a man can see in the other woman. There is only one thing a woman hates worse than battery, and that is tiie absence of it. Instinct may be described as that which tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not. The man who exclusively minds his own business is never in an overcrowded profession. —lf you wish to shine in society, talk to women about their clothes and to men about themselves. Brown: “I’ve just finished my day’s work.’’ Jones: “How so?” “I set the calendar ahead to to-morrow.” Harry: “Did you hurt yourself much when the branch broke?” Leslie: “No, not until [ reached the ground.” —Mr Knaggs: “You should bear in mind that woman is the weaker vessel.” Mrs Knaggs: “But it’s the man who goes broke.” \\igg: “Girls don’t burst into tears as easily as they used to.” VVagg: “No; they’ve learned mat crying ruins the modern complexion.” Parker: “Some friends can be bought.” Darker: “Yes, and it's necessary to put a lot of money into some friendships to make them last.” Alice: “Why didn’t yqu marry him? Everybody says he has reformed.” Maisie: “res; but he . reformed too late. His money was all gone.” Mx Bean : “Woman is making progress. Mr Bean : “But she has not yet attained the point where she can smoke a cigarette while making a cake.”

Ward: “Henpccke says he is ambitious to rise m the world.” Neames: “That ought to be easy, considering- how willing his wife is to blow him up.” . hominy: ‘This paper says if you smoke cigarettes it changes your complexion.” Jimmy: “That’s, light. lam always tanned when I’m caught smoking.” Judge: “You are charged with intoxication. What is you name?” Prisoner Roderick APTavish M‘Gregor.” Jud°e: Hm ! Who paid for the liquor?” Caller: “Why do you teach your parrot to swear so terribly?” Hostess: “We didn’t do it. intentionally. It just happened that the cage ay as near the telephone.” at the seaside at Easter while vou were r, e , rC? ”, r ° llv: ‘ oh - yes!” “And did lie tall in love as usual?” “Tail? Why he dived !” Miller: “You need to be a tight rope walker to keep in smart society.” Lee: “It is easy to walk the tight rope of that kind of society if you have a good bank balance.” Lizzie: “Did you notice his face while I was singing?” Eliza : “Part of it.” “What do you mean by part of it?” “Well, you know, I couldn’t see all of it. He was yawning.” “Have you found out, dear, that absence makes the heart grow fonder?” Sarah: “Indeed I have. Since Tom has been away 1 ve learned to love Stanley ever so much more.” Don’t believe a thing they' say about me, gasped the dying man to" bis sorrovvjnff wife. She didn’t. They said that he had ,ed an exemplary life, ancl had been a true and devoted husband. Mrs Screech: “I don’t see why you oojec-t (o my singing lessons. Perhaps some day my voice will keep the wolf from the ooor.” Mr Screech: “It probably will, if the wolf hears it.” “Remember, my good man,” said the visitor, kindly, “that sione walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage.” “Well, they’ve got me hypnotised, then, that s ail, ma am! 1 said the old convict rudely. ‘ Delia: “So you have broken your engagement ! And, I suppose, of course you returned that lovely ring?” Cecilia: “Ay® ll - no.; that wouldn’t be reasonable! W hile I no longer like George, I admire that ring quite as much as over, you see.” Jones : * What s ilio difference between valour and discretion?” Bones: “Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would be valour.” Jones: “I see And discretion?” Bones: “That would be to dme at a different resltaurant next; day. Mrs Knight: “The history of names is my favourite study. My theory is that all names indicate wlia-fe the persons’ ancestors were. For instance, my ancestors were knights, the Smith family were blacksmiths, and so forth. I think if is the best way to tell what a person is. don’t you?” Ho didn’t, because his name was Hogm lie was a cautious witness, and regarded every, question put by the cross-ex-amining solicitor as a trap for the unwary. And what,’ lie was asked, “was the complainant shouting when von heard him?” "Do was shouting, ‘Tom! Tom!’” replied the witness, after deep thought; then, fearto commit himself to such a downright statement, he added, hastily: “Or words to that effect ! ~ “Did how s Bill to-dav, Airs Sponger?*’ asked Bills chum of the depressed-looking woman at Ibe street corner. “Didn’t von hear about him?” sobbed the woman. ino ; only I heard he was in bed with a touch of lumbago.” “Well, he broke liis ncek last night,” went on the widow. Broke his neck! . llow did that happen?” it was like this, ’ said the bereaved creature “The doctor massaged his back with alcohol, and Bill couldn’t resist trying to lick it off.” * ~ The facetiousness of the galleryite has provided many an amusing incident One of the funniest is that related by Sir ('has. feantley, who lias just celebrated his eiehtyseienth birthday. “The incident happened when I made rny debut in Dublin as Valentine m Gounod’s ‘Faust,’ ” said Sir Charles. It was the scene of Valentine's death alter the duel. Martha had rushed in at tne head of the crowd, and was holding me in her arms. There was the usual death-’ like silence, and the audience gazed expectantly at the stage, which was "shadowed in darkness. "(Suddenly a voice from the gallery tinned grim seriousness into up roarioua mirth by yelling out, ‘Don’t sit there doing nothing. Unbutton his weslut 1