FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3495, 8 March 1921, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

Tired Tim: “What job would you like, Willie?” Weary Willie: “Driving motor cars in Venice.” Johnson: “De Brown never speaks of his family tree.” Bronson: ‘‘l expect it’s much too shady.” ■ —-Figg; “What do you do when your wife tells you about her first husband?” Fogg: “Envy himl” Mabel: 1 ‘Some girls marry for money, some for love.” Harold: “And all because soma silly man asks them to.” Marcelle: “That man values himself very highly.” Lucille: “Yes, but one of these days he’ll give himself away.” —Charlie: “Don’t you think that travel broadens one’s mind?’’ Dolly: “Yes; you should take a trip round the world.” Johnnie: “The olive-branch is the emblem of peace; what is the emblem of war, papa?” Father: “The orange-blossom, my boy.” - —Caddy (to golfer who has spent about three minutes “addressing” the ball): “I hope, sir, you are not waiting for me to say ‘Go f ” School Inspector (following up previous remarks to a class of boys): "What is the ‘All-Red Route’?” Small Boy: “A beetroot, sir!” Girl: “So you wear your gloves all night to keep your hands soft ” Youth : “Yes.” Girl: “And do you sleep with your hat on?” —X. : “What’s your definition of an optimist?” Y. : “A <man who. can realise that even the hour of adversity contains only sixty minutes.” Burglar: “What would you say if I was to blow your head off for not telling me where your money is?” Mr Joker: “Not a word, sir—not a'word.” Tramp: “Why don’t I get work? Why, there ain’t none for me, lady. I’m the artist wot used to whitewash the middle of the winders in noo-built houses.” He: “There are two periods in a man’s life when he never understands a woman.” She: “Indeed! And when are they?” He: “Before li£ is married —and afterwards.” Passport Officer: “Where are your proofs that she’s your wife?” ITenpeck : “I haven’t any, but if you can prove that she’s not my wife, you’re a-made man.” Caller: “I never saw two children look so much alike. How does your mother tell you apart?” One of the Twins: “She finds out by spankin’ us. Dick cries louder’n I do.” Goldup : “Young fell asleep in his bath this morning, with the water running.” Thorp: “Did the bath overflow.” “No. Fortunately Young sleeps with his mouth open.” —Mr Blinks (in the art museum): “I didn’t know you were such an admirer of curios, Mr Blunderby.” Mr Blunderby: “Oh, yes, indeed. 1 just delight in iniquities.” Mother: “Tommy, you mustn’t go fishing with Peter; he’s just getting over the measles.” danger, mother; I never catch anything when 1 go fishing.” A single word to describe a motor bicycle and side-car is wanted. We have neard one used by a man whose machine had broken down, but as this is a family paper we cannot print it. Messenger Boy (with telegram #or Mr Jenkins, rings the bell at half-past one iq the morning) : “Does Mr Jenkins live here?” Feminine Voice from Upstairs (wearily): “Yes; bring him in.” —X. : “Somebody has invented an unbreakable bottle.” V. : “I wonder if it was the Scotsman who, after a collision, is reputed to have said, as he felt something running down his chest, 'I hope it’s blod^l!’?” —X. : “Why is it that people who live in dirty attics spend their whole lives, winter and summer, in them; but people who live in cool and comfortable suburban homes must get away from the awful place for the whole summer?” Jack: “Papa, wliat is reason?” Fond Parent: ‘Reason, my boy, is that which enables a man to determine what is right.” Jack: “And what is instinct?” Fond Parent: “Instinct is that- which tells a woman she is right whether she is or not.” Two friends were dining together. ’The one who carved gave himself the best, part of the bird. His friend protested. “What would you have done, then?” asked the carver. “Given you the best part of the bird.” “Well, I've got it, haven’t I?” was the reply Hallett: “Wliat are you looking so serious about?” Parkes: can’t help wondering - whether that American woman who was married for the seventh time the other day was able to keep back the vaw.n she must have felt coming on during the ceremony.” —An Englishman was on a walking tour in the Highlands. Meeting a Scotsman, he said: “Sandy, 'how far is it to Thurso?” “Hoo did you ken my name was Sandy?” asked the Scotsman. “I guessed it,” was the replv. “Then,” said the Scotsman, “you can guess the distance to Thurso!” The vicar’s name was Smith, and he had recently been honoured by the degree of D.D. The doctor of the village was also named Smith. A stranger came one day to the place and asked a native the way to Dr Smith’s house. “Which Dr Smith do you mean, sir?” was the reply; “ ’im what preaches or ’im what practises?” —He was a nasty, rude boy, and he had reined up to listen to a doleful-looking evangelist who was giving an address at the street corner. “Think of it, my friends,” moaned the orator. “You are not prepared to die. Yet every time I breathe someone in the world dies!” “Great Scot!” ejaculated the rude boy. “Why don't you try cloves ?” A woman was discussing a house-party she had given. “You know,” she said, “Mrs IT. came, but she was a great nuisance. She has such a passion for souvenirs. She’s mad on collecting." “My dear,” said her friend, “no need to tell me that-; she stayed with me once.” “T suppose you missFi your china, or something, when she left?” “No. T missed my husband.” A man signed the pledge after much persuasion on the part of a clergyman. The minister saw the man's daughter hastening homeward with a jug of beer on Christmas Eve. He stopped and said: "My dear child, where are you taking that beer?” “Home —to father.” “But surely your father doesn’t drink beer after signing the pledge?” “Oh, no, sir.” said the girl. “He doesn’t drink it. He only soaks his bread in it.”