FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3467, 24 August 1920, Page 46

FUN AND FANCY.

Oold cash has molted many a girl's heart that warm love couldn't touch. She: "That girl's heir " He: "Yes, isn't it awfully " "To thirty thousand." "Nice!" —He (making poor headway): "Will nothing 'induce you to change your mind and marry?" She: "Another man might." Dora: "I shouldn't like to be in your shoes, anyway." Nora: "No, they would pinch you frightfully, dear, wouldn't they?" - Murphy: "I hear you and the boys jsfcruok for shorter hours. Did ye win?" P'Grady: "Yis. We're not workm' at all how 1"

Policeman (to prisoner leaving dock, who has just been sentenced to six months): N "Excuse me, but do you want to let your house?"

The old saying about one half of the world not-knowing how the other half lives .wasn't made up by a resident in the suburbs.

Alfred: "That young; bride worships her husband, doesn't, she?" Ethel: "Well, _she places burnt offerings before him three times a dav." La-lv Visitor: "What brought you

here, my poor fellow?" Poor .Fellow: "iLove of books, mum." "What! What sort of books?" "Rich blokes'pocket-books, HDlim."

■ — Lecturer (to committee-man): "May I have a tumbler of water on the platform table?" Committee-man: "To drink?" Lecturer (sarcastic): "No; to do a highdiving act." Father: "Remember, lad, contentment is better than money." Son: "True, dad; but I'm going to have both if' I can possibly manage it." She: "Yes, his Book on Buddhism is awfully interesting." He: "By Jove, I must get n copy! I'm a very keen gardener, you know." Sunday Golfer: "Something has put me off my game this morning, caddie." Oaddie: "lt*s them church bells, mister; they-hadn't oughft to be allowed." -—Hodson: "He throws himself into every job he undertakes." Dodson: "I wish the bore would go hunting for wells or volcano craters or something like that." Teacher: "In this verse, what is meant, by the line, "The shades of night were falling fast'?" Bobby: "Please, sir, it means that someone was pulling down the blinds!" First Diner: "I think we met at this restaurant last month. Your overcoat seems very familiar to me." Second Diner: "But I didn't have it last month." "No; J>ut I did." > —"Bill's going to sue the company for damages." "Why? Wot did they do to 'im?" "They blew the quittin' buzzer whin 'e was carrying a 'eavy piece of iron, and 'e dropped it on 'is foot." "Do you care for Browning?" asked the poetical man of his conspicuously-dressed 'companion. "Not so loud, please," whispered the woman. "My husband has an awfully jealous disposition." "What were you doing in the library?" asked the wife of the new millionaire. "Reading the old poets," replied the husband.' il What's the matter? Aren't we able to afford the brand new ones?" /—Mistress of House: "Well, if you've had ten years' experience taking care of children, I think you'll do." Applicant: "One moment, ma'am; I'll just take a look at the children and see if they'll do." —Mo why: "Would you rather have a ■wife) who played the or one who played the piano?" Brookes: "I should certainly prefer a -violin player." "Why?" "Because-a violin you can throw out of the ■window, and a piano you can't." Artist's Wife: "What did little, Mr Peck say when you showed him that portrait of' his wife?" The Artist: "Not a word. Ho just looked at it in silence." "Good! It was so lifelike he didn't dare to speak in its presence without permission." . . The hostess had trouble in getting Mr Harper to sn:g. After the song had been given she came up wjth a smiling face to her guest, and made the ambiguous renwrk: 'Now, Mr Harper, you must never tell me again that you cannot sing—l know now Y-' ■■■'..

Hotel Proprietor: "Sorry, sir. but we're full up. There is not a vacant bed in the house." Weary Traveller: "What will you charge me to sleep on a billiard 1 iaklo?" "Eighteenpencc an hour, regular KMkrd rates. I wouldn't profiteer on a !*** in trouble." ~-A bo v with a very large mouth walked hue a music shop to purchase a mouthf'fcftii. He was shown every make- of jziyuth-orsran in the shop, but still was not esitisfipd. ' "Look here," said the assistant, "we shall have to measure you for one. Just try your mouth alone; this piano!" —He (after the proposal): "Why are you Crying, dearest? Are you not happy to know- I -love you?" She: "Oh, no, dear, it's not that. I am crying from pure joy. Mother has always told me that I was such an idiot that I wouldn't get even a donkey for a sweetheart?* and now I've got one after all!" —Colonel Smashem wag dining with some friends at a restaurant. When dessert was served* the lady sitting next to the colonel inquired: "Do you like bananas?" The colonel, unfortunately, was rather*dcaf, and coldly replied: "Madam, Ido not. I prefer the old-fashioned night-shirt." the visitor. "Yes, indeed," replied the resident proudlv. "Why, we have imposing publ'c buildings, Rood schools, fine churches, broad, well-paved streets, a pure water supnly. and——" "Quite so. quite so. But what about picture palaces?" _ "Mv dear, my dear!" exclaimed the mm, lifting his- hands in amazement. "Surelv you are not goinsr to wear such an outrageously low-cut dress! It will be scandalous!" "Well." replied his wife

sadly, "it's the best I can do. Yqu have put me on such a beggarly allowance that I couldn't afford to buy any more material for th's dress !"

The fat proprietor of the confectionery shot) was puffing and bio win sr, and his face had taken on the colour that is usuaKy associated with _ ripe tomatoes, as he laboriously placed in position the last shutter in front of lv's At this moment ho felt a touch on his arm, and when, by an effort, ho turned his perspiriner face and fixed his eyes on the little fflrl who stood waitinar for his attention, she asked, in a delightfully expectawt manner: "Please will yer take the feWit-grfi down acrai.n, as T want to so© what to spend me 'apenny on?"