FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3403, 4 June 1919, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

"Willie: "Pa, what is the better part of wisdom?" Pa: "To know when you have Baid enough, my son." "Braglcy says his new house is neated with hot air." "Then it is well heated. I've heard Bragley talk." "Ma, I just hate this bread with holes in itl" "Don't be so fussy t" said ma absent-mindedly. "You needn't eat the holes. Leave 'em on your plate." "Are they seasoned troops?" "They ought to be. They were first mustered in by vheir officers and then peppered by the enemy!" —She: "Have you brought me any •ouvenirs?" He: "Only this little bullet the doctor took out of my side." She: "I wish it had been a German helmet." Customer: "You have placed all the large apples on top." Greengrocer: "Yes, ma'am. That saves me the trouble of hunting through the barrel for 'em." "Willie," said the minister to a bright little fellow of six, "do you know the Ten Commandments?" "Not very well," replied the youngster. "I just know 'em by sight." Smalhvood: "I think it's a good time to tell that big brute what I think of him. Don't you?" Wiseman: "Well, I don't know. The hospitals are pretty full. just now." The school visitor was asking the clajis a few questions. "Now, how do bees dispose of their honey?" ne inquired. "They cell it," announced the clever boy of the class.

—Mr Rooney (to daughter): "Shtop playing that pianny -until ye learn how to play itP' Mrs Rooney: "Lave her be, me manl Whin she fits classical at it 'twill sound a soighfc worse!" Mrs Jones: "Can't stay long; Mrs Green. I just came to see if you wouldn't join our mission band." Mrs Green: "Heavens, don't come to me 1 I oan't even play a mouth-organ!" Fortune-teller: "You will suffer much

by being very poor until you are thirtyfive years of age." Impecunious Poet (eagerly): "And then?" Fortune-teller: * You will get used to it." "Have you done any war work?" "No," replied Miss Grey; "but I'm doing 'work that is essential to the peace of mind and the safety of my fellow-sisters. I'm working in a mouse-trap factory." —"I don't know, Reginald; it seem 3 such a serious thing to be married. Have you counted tho cost?" "Cost? Why. there will be no cost. My uncle, who is a clergyman, will marry us for nothing." Henry Peck: "I've been insuring my life for £IOOO, dear." Mrs Peck; "Just like your mean, selfish nature! Always "Slinking about your own life. You say nothing about insuring mine, I notice." Male Shopper: "Mv wife sent me for some fillet." Clerk: "For vourself or for her?" Male Shopper: "What difference does that make?" Clerk: "If it's for yourself, it's beef; if it's for her, it's lace." "Madam," announced the new maid, "your husband is lying unconscious 'in the hall, with a largo box beside him and_ a paper crushed in his hand." "Ah," cried madam, in ecstasy, "my new hat has come!" "My daughter is positively delighted with her new piano," said Mrs Potts; "she's quite familiar, you know, with all the classic composers " "Familiar?" exclaimed Mrs Peppery, "why, she's positively flippant." Smithson: "'Do you know that _ Noah was -the greatest financier that ever lived?" DibbS: "How do you make that out?" Smith3on: ."Well, he was able to float a company when the whole world was in liquidation." —-Mr B.: "How did you like my speech at the dinner last night?" Mrs B.: "It reminded me of the time when you courted 'me, mv dear. Mr B.: "How so?" Mrs B.: "Why, I thought you never would oome to the point." Father: "You sat up very late with George again, Doris." Doris: "Yes, father; I was showing him some of my picture post-cards." "Well, Doris, whenever he wants to sit up again you show him some of my gas bills." Wifie: "And knowing my sentiments on the subject, did that odious Mr Binks insult you by offering vou a drink?" Hubby: "That's what Mr Binks did." Wifie: "And how did you resent it?" Hubby : "I swallowed the insult I" Dissatisfied Householder: "Do you

mean to say that this meter measures the

amount of gas wo burn?" Gas Collector: "I will enter into no controversy, sir; jut I may say that the meter measures the amount of gas you will have to pay for." "There are songs," sa'd the musician, "that have never, never died. They go ringinsr down the ages." "That is true, sir," Brown replied. "For the past six months and upward I have heard my daughter try to kill two or three each evening, buft they never, never die." Teacher: "Yes." "Then I will test the class. Now. children, shut your eyevj and sit still." Following this, the inspecior made a slow whistling sort of noise, and followed with, "Now, children, what did I do?" For some time there was_ no answer, but ultimately one little boy piped out: "Kissed teacher." Some nee-roes were discussing-the sudden nassing away of a small darky. The oauso .of the disaster wa3 clear enough to one of the men. "De no chi'e jes' died frum eatin' too much watahmillion." he explained. One of the others, looked his doubts. "Huh!" he grunted scornfully. "Dar ain't no such thing as too much watahmillion. Do trubblo was dar wasn't enuff boy."