FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3400, 14 May 1919, Page 53

FUN AND FANCY.

"Been anywhere for the holidays, Eb?" "Just 'ere and there, mostly 'ere." Golf Enthusiast: "What is your handicap, Mr Peok?" Feck (sotto voce): "S-sh • She's cpnaingl" Little Elsid (after being punished): "I think papa is dreadful. Was he the only man you could get, mamma?" —■ "I thought you didn't object to a man who talked shop." "Not In a general way, but this fellow is an undertaker."

She: "Jack, what can equal the warmth of a true woman's love?" He: "The heat of her temper, my dear."

"Did Angela reject Sammy when ho proposed?" "Not exactly, but sh© put him In Class Z, only to be used as a last resort."

"Dead men tell no tales," observed Wise. "Maybe that is the reason why so many widows marry again," commented Size.

Jane: "Do you think Jack will steal another kiss?" Joan: "Well, my dear, they say a criminal always returns to the scene of his crime."

"Father," said a little boy, "what is the fortune of war?" "I don't know . exactly, my son," replied his father; "you'll have to ask a profiteer!" that measles broke out here recently?" Constable (proudly): "Yes; but our head constable caught 'em." Friend: "Is jour baby intelligent?" New Pa: "Intelligent 1 Why, if she wasn't she'd never be able to understand the language my wife talks to her." "What was the matter with Billie that made him give up painting so suddenly?" " Well, he called it influenza; "but we all think it was 'art failure!" First MedicaLSbudent: "Are you going to that appendicitis lecture this afternoon?" Second Medical Student: "No; I'm tired of those organ recitals." When a man screws up his courage to the point of marriage he feels brave enough to have the ceremony performed in a lion's den or anywhere else. someone excessively intellectual, but now it apparently means someone who is disagreeable." "'Well, what's the difference?" "James, put down that cake at once I Have you no manners?" "Don't speak so loud, papa. You ought to be glad no one saw how badly I have been brought up." A man in a crowded tram car had his eyes closed when the conductor reached him. "Wake up," saiid the conductor. "I wasn't asleep " explained the passenger, "but I hate to see women standing." First Tommy: "That's a top-hole pipe. Bill. Whera did you get it?'_ Second Tommy: "One of the Huns tried to take me prisoner, and I inherited it from him." . —Howard: "Do you believe in signs?" Coward: "Well, I don't know. The fire alarm went off three times while the* minister was preaching Wildway's funeral sermon." ■

"Why do you always type your letters, old top?' 1 "Saves brain-fag, dear boy. I just type 'My darling,' and then tap awa.v at tho jolly old 'X,' and—er—well, there you are!" "Why do they vaccinate people, anyway?" asked Sinks. "To keep them from taking things," answered Jinks. "Then why don't they vaccinate kleptomaniacs?" asked Binks.

Miss Passy (still 24): "I think the best years of one's life are from 18 to 26." Miss Young: "How nice for you to have been able to live the best years of your life' over again!" ' "Father," said a small boy, "what's an explorer?" "An explorer, my son, is a man who discovers some place that nobody wants to go to and nobody else would be

able to find anyhow." The Daughter: "I hear papa grumbling again this morning, mother. What is he grumbling about?" The Mother: "He is .grumbling, my dear, because he cannot find anything to grumble about." Miss Primrose: "Don't you ever give your dog any exercise?" Miss Hollyhock (fondling a fat pug dog): "Of -course; I feed him with chocolates every few minutes, just to make him wag his tail." final?" "Absolutely," was the calm reply. "Shall I return your letters?" 'Yes, please," answered the blighted one. "There s some good material in them I can use again." ■ —"Did you leave the waiter a liberal tip?" "I surely did," replied Mr Gripmoney. "I left him two potatoes and half a chop, which, according to the bill of fare, < ought to be worth at least eighteenpence." "Edwin, dear," said young Mrs Hilderby. in a tone ■ that was kind but firm, "did you tell me you were up late last night with a sick friend?" "Yes." "What made your friend feel ill? Was he a heavy loser?"

Mobbs: "Mrs Smith is simply mad on the subject of germs, and sterilises or filters everything in the house." ' Hobbs: "How does she get along with her husband?" Mobbs: "Oh, even their relations are strained."

Lady: "Here's sixpence for you and your friend each to get a glass of beer with." Exhausted Furniture Remoyer: "A glass of beer? Bless yer, lady, a glass of beer ain't ho more to us than a snowflake on a red-hot stove 1" Doctor: "Tho room seems cold, Mrs Hooligan. Have you kept the thermometer at 70, as I told you ?" Mrs Hooligan: "Shuro an' Oi hov, doctor. There's th' divilish thing in a toombler an warrum watber at this blessed minnut."

Mrs Flannigan: "Sure I just got a letter from Barney, saying he would be let out of gaol to-morrow; he got a month off for good behaviour." Mrs Murphy: "A month off for good behaviour, is it? Faith, and that's a lad to be proud of." "Have you heard any good news from your husband 'over there' lately?" asked a friend. "I have heard from him," answered the wife. "He sent me a couple of needles in his last letter, and asked if I would thread them and send them back right away by mail. He wants to do some mending on his clothes." "Er —er —some of the facetious gentlemen in the congregation," said the minister, as the deacons prepared to tak«J up tii& collection, "have been in the habit of dropping buttons into the plate. Might J suggest that, in view of a recent arrival at the parsonage, they substitute safety pins for the 1 time being?"