FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3396, 16 April 1919, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

Usually the husband is the silent partner in a matrimonial farm.

—-The penalty for be:ij<r good-natured 13 that you always" get imposed upon. —lt is better to havo loved and lost than to- be the victim of a breach of promise suit.

The woman who realises that she's not worth looking at should make herself worth listening- to. of romance ?" "I should say the wedding date and the bridal pair." '' Who was it said that a woman's best friend is her dressmaker?" "I don't know. Probably her dressmaker." Love may be blind, but the sweetheart can make her lover see ten times as much in her as anyone else can.

Yeast: " Lon't you think; your wife has a wonderful voice?" Crimsonbeak: "Yes; itis wonderful it hasn't given out before this."

"Do you think," he asked, "that you could learn to love me?" "Possibly," she answered; " but if I were a man I'd hate to think I was an acquired taste." —" Cheer up, old man. Everything comes to him who waits, you' know. ' "Yes, I know. But it will be just my luck to be waiting at the wrong place." - The Parlourmaid : " Lor', cook, what makes your noso_ so red?" The Cook: " Glow.ing with pride 'cos it's never found poking itself into other people's business." "Pa," asked little Willie, "what's the meaning of 'the prophets of evil'?" "I suppose* my son," replied Mr Kidder, "that that's another name for the 'wages of tin.' "

Councilman: " I've come to see, sir, If you will (subscribe anything' to the town cemetery." Old Resident: "Good gracious I I've already subscribed three wivea."

He: "Mr Cadby refused to recognise me to-day. Thinks, I suppose, I am. not his equal." She: "Ridiculous! Of course you are. Why, he's nothing but a conceited Idiot."

Ladv Visitor: "Remember, my good man, that stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage." Convict: " Well, they've got me hypnotised, then, that's all."

Friend : " But if you must reduce your expenses, why don't you discharge your private secretary?" His Lordship: "What? And meet all my creditors personally? Certainly not I" —" Before we were married you used to tell me that I was one girl in a million," said Mrs Slug. "Yes," growled Mr Slug; "and I'm sorry I didn't marry one of the other 909,999!"

Young Editor (reflectively): "If I don't publish this poem Grace has written she wdl have nothing more to do with me. And if I do publish it I shall probably lose, my position. "Have you ever tried to love your enemies?" " Yes," replied Bungles, " I have tljed. But I never got a real enemy to reciprocate my affections with any degree oi. reliability." liver?" asked a teacher while examining the plass in physiology. And she was a good deal surprised when the tall boy replied: "South of the lungs." "Does your husband play golf?" "Yes." "Then I'm. sure you will be interested in this set of thirty-eight volumes I am selling. It will help to while away many a lonely hour." "Marriage may be likened to a tramcar," said a confirmed bachelor. "Why?" asked his fair partner. " Because some people are just as anxious to get out of It as others are to enter."

"Can't you assume a little more pleasing expression of countenance?" asked the photographer. "Y-yes.. sir/' hesitatingly answered the sitter. " Wait a minute and I'll take off these new shoes." money," said the harassed victim to the insistent beggar. " That may be so, sir,"' retorted the beggar; " but I am asking you for what you have most of." Bobert|: ""Mother, was Robinson Crusoe an acrobat?" Mother: "I don't know. Why?" Robert: "Well, this book says that after he had > finished his day's work he sit down on his chest."

Mrs Hinpeck '.after a long lecture): "Well? What are vou standinsr starinor at me like that for?" Mr Henpeck: "I was only thinking, my dear, how pretty you look with your mouth shut." Suitor (to the only daughter of a very wealthv widow): "Dear Ella, will you be mine?'"' Ella: "Oh, I—T—do not know! Pray speak to mother first." Suitor: "But, unfortunately, I have spoken to her, and she has refused me!" not contract any new debts without my knowledge?" howled Mr Gabb as he tore up a bunch of b'lls. " T haven't, my dear." replied Mrs Gabb. "I merely expanded some of the old ones." —"I see the women are going to wear mediaeval costumes in that bier peace parade next week." remarked Mr Wornout pleasantly. " What are you going to wear, my dear?" "My mediasval hat," said Mrs Wornout significantly. And there were no further remarks.

The man in the next flat was pounding on the wa11.., "Look here," he criod, "I can't sleep with vonr kid yelling like that! If you don't make him stop. I will I" "Come in. sir—come in!" said the kid's father. "You'll bo as welcome as tho flower l ? in spring." with fire in her eye, "I've 'brunar back this thermometer ye sold me." " What's the' matter with it?" demanded the assistant. " Tfc ain't reliable. One t'me ye look at it is says one thing, and the next time it. savs another."

She: "Beforo wo were married you promised that my path throuarh life should be strewn with roses, and now I have to sit i,p at night darning stockings." He: "Yon don't want to walk on roses barefooted, do you? You'd set thorns in your feet."

A New York. Tnorchnnt is inordinately prone? of the* fact tbnt onr> of It's ancestors affixed his name to the Declaration of Independence. Once a Jpw'ch traveller cnlled as the merchant was siVnirur cheques with manv a curve and flourish. Thtf patience of the commercial becr>min<r oxh-ansted as he waited dnrinir this performance, he finally r>b«ervpd: "Tmi have n fin« sienasure. Mr Hancock." "V«i" P^m : t*-er! the feierphant. "I should One of mv forefathers sifmed "Pn," <?->■%> *■*>* traveller. "Well, von ain't rot. notUntrs on me. One of my forofathors signed tho Ten Commandments."