FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3382, 8 January 1919, Page 48

FUN AND FANCY.

"Jack proposed in a motor car." "In.deed!" "And I accepted him in the hospital."

•—ln America all men are born equal, but some grow up to be presidents or baseball umpires : —Percy: "I say, your bulldog bit me. Dolly: "Well, what do you expect ( a bulldog to do—slap you on the wrist?" Brown: "Is he very patriotic?" Smith: ,€ I should say so! He knows the national anthem o"f every allied nation I" "What is memory, father?" asked a boy. "Memory, my boy," answered the father, "is ' that tired,- despairing feeling which starts over you when you listen to a friend's original stories." ** Grandpa (reading): "Ther's been a big fire at Johnson's Shirt Store." Grandma (slightly deaf): "Beg pard'n." Grandpa: "Johnson's Shirt St ore." Grandma: 'Well, well! How did he tear it?" "My dear Mrs Croesus, may I not put your name down for tickets to Professor Pundit's course of lectures on Buddhism? "Oh, by alMmeans! You know how passionately fond I am of flowers." —"I don't know his occupation, the party next door informed the r 'but his old woman calis him a pessimist.' "Righto!" said the man of resource. "I'll put him down a whine-merchant!" fearing, pant-patching, sock-darning, breadmaking, praying mother in Israel than I would for a whole tvainload of these little fizzle-headed sissies."—Mr Billy Sunday. Counsel (in divorce case): "I ask that a recess be taken at this point, your honour." Judge: "On what grounds?" Counsel: "My client wishes to change her gown. She hasn't displayed half her costumes yet." —When it comes to useless professions, yours is the most useless of all, ' said the barber to the soulptor. "for a sculptor merely makes faces and busts." "Yes.' retorted his friend, "and the barber curls and

dyes." "What'a cool and indifferent air Oora has. She acts like as if she didn't know 'anybody was looking at her.". "Yes; she inherits that, f Her father used to fry. griddleoakes in the window of a restau rant." My sister's feller kicked my. dog yesterday," said Willie, "but I'll get even with 1 him all right." "How'll you get evqni' said' Willie's friend. "I'm goin' to mix quinine," said Willie, "with my sister's lip - rouge." board a motor bus that didn't stop): pose I'd slipped and lost a leg, what then?" Conductor ,(kindly): "You wouldn't have to do any more jumpin' then. We always Bbop for a man with a crutch." Dora: "Oh, I'm in such distress of mind, and I want your advice. I am loved >by three men, and I don't know which to '. accept." Clara: "Which one has the most .. money?". Dora: "If I knew that, do you suppose I'd waste precious time running • around for advice?" t . Earnest Inquirer (collecting statistics for a work on temperance): "And how many, glasses of beer would you—er —con; - Bume in a day?" The Person: "Well, I can't say, guvnor. Some days I 'as about twenty or thirty, an' then again, another day, perhaps I might 'aye quite a lot." —r Montgomery: "What would you do with a penny if I gave you one?" Tramp (sarcastically): "Git a new rig, mister, an , some supper an' a night's lodgin' an' breakfast an' dinner termorror." Montgomery: ;■ "My ' good fellow, take this shilling and support yourself for the rest of your life." "That last speech of yours was a classic," remarked - a friend to a popular orator. "I'm afraid so," replied the orator. "You don't seem gratified," said his friend. "No," was the reply, "I feel complimented, i- but apprehensive. As a rule a classic is something that people admire but don't understand!" "Will you please go upstairs and get .'my goats off the dressing table?" said Mrs tcribb. "Your goats?" queried the puzzled oribb. "What new-fangled idea have you women got now?" "I'll show you," snapped the wife. Then she sailed away and soon returned, putting on her gloves. "Are those what you <mean? Why, I call j those kids." "I used to," replied Mrs Scribb, "but they are getting so old I am ashamed to call them by that name any longer." The bishop was addressing the Sunday school In his most impressive tones he was. saying: "And now, children, let me : Ifcell you a very sad fact. In Africa there are 10,000,000 square miles of territory without a single Sunday school where little boys and girls can spend their Sundays. Now what should we all try and save up our money and do?" And the class, as one ■voice, replied in ecstatic union, "Go to Africa!" —lt would appear that the Boche airmen are not fond of night-flying. Anyhow, this young man,, having landed, asked for an officer, and gave himself up with the remark, in wonderful English, "I'll teach the blighters to ask me to fly at night!" The humour of the situation was even more piquant when he lugged from his plane a suit-oaso which he had packed and brought with him. I may add that the incident" is now recorded in "official" documents and is no fairy tale. —An enthusiastic fisherman, who was at the same time a staunoh teetotaller, engaged an experienced boatman to take him fishing. Although he had a good stretch of water to fish in, night after night he came back with an empty creel, and at last departed in disgust. Alter he had gone someone asked the boatman how it V was that a fairly expert fisherman had such a run of ill-luck. ' Aweel," was the reply. "he had nae whuskic, and I took him where there was nae fush." .For some reason the Sunday school class had become interested in Methuselah. At their urgent request tho teacher related all the authentio information recorded in the Bible about the amazing man, also various anecdotes gleaned from less reliable resources. In conclusion she said: "Now, is that all? Are there any further questions you would like to ask about Methuselah?" "I'd like to know," said the most interested - youngster of the lot, "where all his birthday presents are buried!"