FUN AND FANCY

Otago Witness, Issue 3353, 19 June 1918, Page 56

FUN AND FANCY

Teacher: "Now, what is the highest form of animal life?" Child: "JLhe giraffe, mum." "'Father, what did you do in the great war'/" "i nursed you while mother was selling flags." She: '"Did father strike you favourably?" He: "Well, not so favourably, but very accurately." ''What's tnat wriggling object oft there near the horizon?" "Guess it must be a

nervous wreck." ** • Even when a man can't sleep a wink after 4- a.m., he wants a lot of credit for getting up early. A physician 13 a funny man. tie teiu you you're in need of a ohange, and tnen takes all you have. "Why aid tnat brilliant woman marry such a stupid man?" "Because her first husband was a genius." "How do you like school, Johnny ? "Fine! I licked two kids a'ready fer callin' me mamma's little darling." He's as good as gold." Jess: "STesj but my motto is 'Accept no substitutes.'" "Doing anything this evening, old chap?" "Nothing special." "Well, come round for an hour or two and starve with us!" —lt is said in defence of the Scot that he didn't invent the bagpipe, but, nevertheless, he stands convicted of giving it currency. "H'm! I thought you said you never borrowed from your friends?" " I don't, old chap. But I'm not disheartened. I still go on trying." —Mr Kidder: "There are five reasons why I can't got married." Miss Ketchum: "What are they?" Mr Kidder: "A wife and four children!"

Waiter (to guest who has been waiting a very long time): "Did you ring the bell, sir?" Guest: "No, I was tolling it. I thought you were dead." "Did you meet any nice men while you were away?" "Yes, mother. Lots of them." "Lots of them! There aren"t that many in the whole world." "Here's a concern advertising a shirt without buttons," said wifey. "Nothing new about that," replied hubby. "I've been wearirg them for years." Orderly Sergeant: "Lights out, there !" Voice from the Hut: "It's the moon, sergeant." Orderly Sergeant: "I don't care a hang what it is.- Put it out I" John RiJor (talking on the telephone): "Is there anything to prevent you from getting a car around here promptly?" Gartrge:. ' Yes, sir. Your last bill." Doctor: "You must be careful and follow the • ight directions for taking this pill." Small Invalid: ,: G'wan wid yer. There's only wan direction fer it to go." Passenger: "What makes the train run bo slow?" Guard: "If you don't like it you can get off and walk." Passenger: "I would, only I'm not expected until train time." Talk about torture! Is anything worse than sitting in a barber's chair with your mouth full of lather watching the boy trying to give another customer your Panama hat?

"The man who gives in when he is wrong." said the street orator,_ "is a wise man; but he who gives in when he is right is " "Married-" said a meek voice in the crowd. The Prison Chaplain: "I'm sorry to see you here again, Smithson." Smithson: "Couldn't resist it, sir. Regular food, no queues, practically bomb-proof. Why, it's the best place to be!" The' Engaged One (earnestly): "No, she isn't exactly pretty, but she has that indefinable something——" The Married One (impatiently): "Yes, I know! My girl's old man has piles of it, too." Peggy had just returned from Sunday school, where she had been for the first time. . "What did my little daughter learn thia morning?" asked the fond father. "That I am a child of Satan," was the reply. Mrs Pardee (looking up from newspaper): "Here's an account of an Englishwoman who has sent four husbands to the front and lost them all." Pardee: "Does the account say the lady has resumed recruiting?" old mother," whined the tramp. "She ain't seen me face for six long years." "I believe you are speaking the truth," muttered the old gentleman; "why don't you wash it?"

Nervous Flight Commander, issuing - his very first order at the termination of a lecture: "Fall ou* i>'sid~ Ak vow wer<' I mean fall outside in. No, not that. I mean fall inside out. Oh., jam and butter it. What do- I mean?" ''What is the name of that handsome prisoner?" asked the impressionable youngwoman. "No. 22C&, mtes," replied the warder. "How funny! But, of course, that is not his real name." "Oh, no, miss; that's just his 'pen'name." Putting on one's overcoat is sometimes so much of an effort that one is disposed to agree with the old man who said: "Fust yo' puts in one ahm, then yo' puts in the uddah _ ahm, an' den yo' gives a gen'ral conwuleion." Young Husband: "I suppose, Enid, you couldn't think of going to the matinee in th-xt shabby old hat?" Young Wife: "Oh, my dear man, how thoughtful you are. I really couldn't think of it." Young Husband: "Yes! Just what I thought, so i only bought one ticket." Schoolmaster: "What is the meaning of lhis? What'has the poor boy done that those others should trounce him in such ei fashion?" Pupil: "He eays his pa is a conscientious objector, an' thai he's ono too, so they're just a-tryin' to bring the 'orrors o' war 'ome to 'im'l" Some of the senior boys from a school's literary class were taken to_ the theatre to eee "The Merchant of Venice." Wh-Wi Shyloek, in the court scene, was urgently demanding his pound of flesn, a bright Cockney boy, in eager tones, cried out to the jurlpe: 'Hi, you ! Ask him for his meat-card!"

—ln a house in the Highlands the other day a visitor happened to remark that a thermometer—noticing one hanging on the wall —was a very useful instrument- to have indoors. The mistress of the house replied: "Ays, aye; oor .Teems brocht it in the ith-2r uicht for the heat o* the room. For ma sin pairt. hooever. I dinna see that it maks It a bit warmer."

Sunday School Teacher: "Now, Jimmy, I want you to memorise to-day's motto, 'Tt is more blessed to give than to receive ' " Jimmy: "Yes'm, but I know it now. My father says he has always used that as his motto :n hia business." Teacher: "Oh. how noble of him! And yrhtth is his business?" Jimmy: 'He's a prtae-fighter, ma'am."

"When did Moses live?" asked the teacher. The class was silent, so the teacher said: "Open your books and read the page about Aloses. What does it say there?" After a pause a boy replied: "it says Moses, 4000 u.c." "Then why didn't you know when Moees lived?" demanded the teacher. " Weii, air," said the boy, " I thought that was bis telephone number !" Ten-year-old Dicky cid not always err on the side of politeness, but his repartee was infallible. One day he was sitting on a stile, unconcernedly munching an apple, and made no attempt to make way for the vic°.r, who was crossing the held. "Dicky, my lad," said that worthy cleric, "I'm afraid you are better fed than taught." 'Dare say I be," retorted the urchin, "for £ feeds myself, and you teaches me!" A Connecticut farmer was asked to assist at the funeral of his neignbour's third wife, and, as he had attended the funerals of the two others, hi 3 wife was surprised when he declined the invitation. On being pressed to give his reason he said, with some hesitation: "You see, Mary, it makes a chap feel a bit awkward to be- always accepting other folk's civilities when he never has anything of the same sort of his own to ask them, back to. '