FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3352, 12 June 1918, Page 47

FUN AND FANCY.

Continually airing your opinions won't freshen them. "And what did the preacher talk about?" " Oh, about two hours." Some men are born great, some shrink, and others never realise how small They really aro. lunatic!" "Not at all, sir. Your actions aro quite natural." "Never mind." Billy: "I don't oftener than I have to, do I?" "What's that 'trough of the sea' wo road about?" "Oh, that is what the ocean greyhounds drink out of!" Doctor:" Well, and how did yoU ( find yourself this morning?" Patient: "Oh, I just opened my eyes and there I was!" Jim: " Halloa, Bert, where to with the pack?" Bert: " Goin' back to France, Jim. I'm fed up with these 'ere air-raids." "And pray, madam, why do you think yourself entitled 'to a pension?" "My hueband and I fought all through the war." What if we loses 'this blinkin' war after all, Bill?" "Well, all I can say is—them ■what finds it is quite welcome to keep it." entertaining the .prospect of matrimony?" " Not quite, pater. Ho doesn't call until eight o'clock." Someone is going to make hats out of a wood fibre. Every man knows some other man who could then keep his hat on with nails. —Mother: "Well, Master Jim hasn't gone to the front after all." Cook: "Oh, poor Master Jim! And 'c's so fond of a day's shootin'." " Yes, sir." " And they "don't appear to bo very fresh, either." " Then it's lucky they're small, ain't it, sir?" Park Orator: "I arsk yer, wot is this life we 'old so dear? Soon I'll be lyin' with me forefathers." "The Voice: "An' givin' them points at the game, too!" "I said, 'Halt!' Don't you know what 'that means?" Recruit: "We've forgot what to do with the foot that's in the air, sir." Wife (at music-hall): "What a clever performer I How I wish I could play on a one-string viofin!" Husband: "Well, my dear, you can harp on one string very successfully." Wife: "Percy, if a man were to sit on your hat, what would you say?" Husband : "I should call him a confounded silly ass." Wife: "Then, don't sit on it an longer, there's a dear." A lucky man, on being asked how it felt to be engaged to a great heiress, replied: ".Fine! Every time I kiss her I feel as if I.were clipping a coupon off a Government bond." —At seventeen she believes that a girl should be engaged to a man at least two years before she marries him. At twentyseven she believes that a two-day engagement is long enough. Gibbs: " Bilson expressed a good deal of sympathy for poor Blank. Did you try him" for a contribution?" Dibbs: "No. I know Bilson; he's ■ like the letter, 'p'— first in pity and last in help." —Mr Bachelor: "Does your wife treat you the same as she did before you were married?" Mr Married: "Not exactly. Before we were married, when I displeased her she refused to sneak to me." " That's not the name for it. The other day he was shown through Bombast's gallery of ancestors, and he then asked him if he" believed in the Darwinian theory." The Big 'Un: "My dear fellow, is it really true that you have to join up?" The Littlo 'Un: '"Yes, but don't let it get about. You see, the idea is to spring it on the Germane, as it were, in June." She was a modern Mrs Malaprop, and aired her views on things as follows:_ — "'Eaven 'elp us!" she said, "what with the guns going off and the German bombs, I felt any moment I might be hurled into maternity!" » Wife (as husband starts for the office): "Have you got everything, dear?" Husband: "Yes—season-ticket, registration card, sugar, butter, and tea ration card, meat card, bread, match, and tobacco cards, and travel permit." "Ten thousand voices calling," sang a sonrano at a. village war charity concert, and then broke down. Her second attempt was equally futile, whereupon an auctioneer in the auchence exclaimed, "Start at seven thousand, miss." —Ho (relating thrilling experiences): "We were havinjr a terrible time on the Italian front until the French brought up their seventy-fives." She: "I do think France is doinsr splond : d for men of that age to be fighting, don't you?" —■ Little Harry (after eating his meagre rat-'on of bread and margarine): " Must I sav grace, mamma?" Mamma: "Of course, darling." Little Harry: "Well, yon said God would read our thoughts, and if I say I'm thankful He'll know jolly well what a 'bominablo little liar I am !" A certain individual marked his income tax return, "No income—lives on borrowed money.' Whereupon the assessor sent a note inquiring, "From what source do you pay the interest, on the loans?" The taxpayer replied : " Out of the monov borrowed, supplemented by further loans." Doctor (politely, _ but looking nt his watch with obv'ous impatience): "Pardon me. madam, but my time is not my own. You have given me all your symptoms in sufficient detail, and now. porhnps, you will kindly—cr —ah " Husband (not so polite) : " Maria, he doesn't want to hear your tongue any more; he wants to look at it." A wounded American -soldier was tolling his battles o'er an-ain. "Yes," said he, " a Boche shell hit me rijrht in the neck." "And you are alive now?" gasped his listener. "Yes. You see, stranger, the shell was made in Germany, but mv ooJlar-srud was mane in the U.S.A.. and J guess the squib sort of subsided. It was some stud !" —A 71 officer on board a warship was drilling h>'s men. "I want every man to lie on bis back, put bis legs in the air, and move thorn as if ho wei'e riding- a b'cvele," he explained. "Now commence." AHe-r a short effort one man etopped. "Why have you stopped. Murphy?" askod the officer. "If ye plazo, sir," was the answer, "Oi'm freewheeling!" South Afc.orican Housewife: "Ts your husband much of a provider. Malindv?" Coloured Servant: "He je 1 ;' ain' no'thin' elso. ma'am. He gwino to git some new furniture pror'dm' he frits do monoy; ho gwine to git the money providn' lie go to work : be go to work providin' do job suits him. I never see such a providin' man m all mah days."

The prisoner was charged with poaching, and was accordingly brought beforo tho judge. It was well known that the accused was not exactly a George Washington, and great surprise was exhibited by tho court when he pleaded guilty. The judge was particularly staggered, and ho rubbed his glasses, and stared in perplexity. "I— I —well, that is to say, I'm afraid," stammered tho judge, "that I must have more evidence before I sentence you." London children certainly get some quaint views of life. An instance of this recently occurred in an East End Sunday school, where tho teacher was talking to her class about Solomon and his wisdom. " When tho Queen of Sheba came and laid jewels and fine raiment beforo Solomon, what did he say?" she asked presently. One small girl, who had evidently had experience in such matters, promptly replied: " 'Ow much d'yer want for the lot?"