FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3349, 22 May 1918, Page 54

FUN AND FANCY.

Brutality and cruel desertion are not so Ai'iiidious a cause ol divorce as clothes that do up at the back. "They say that onions will build one up physically." •'Maybe; but they will puil one down socially." "Why does a dog chase his. tail, pop? ''Fxom a sense of economy, son. He is trying to make both ends meet." Another voung spendthrift hao come to grief in the courts. It's curious, isn t it, how Nemesis overtakes the "fastest ? She: "Young Spriggs, the poet, is awfully round-shouldered, isn't he?' He: "Naturally: that's his literary bent, yc-u know.'' , . T , Customer: "Look here, waiter, Ive found a button in this salad." Waiter: "That's all right, sir; it's part of the dressing." —Jijncriiig the patient's room, early in the morning, the doctor picked up the chart and read: 2 a.m. —Patient very restless. Nurse sleeping quietly. —Nell: "I stepped in at a bargain sale to-day." Belle: "Did you see anything that looked cheap?" Nell: "Yes; several men waiting for their wives." —He has his sorrows and his joys; Ho shares the latter with "the boys." Such are the ironies of life, < He shares his sorrows with his wife.

—We know a fellow who is cutting down amoking. Ho only smokes before breakfast, after dinner, and between meals. He has given up getting up at night to smoke. enough to do as I please." Man: "And about that time you'll go and get married, so it won't do much good alter all." Fat Lady (in the park): "I am going to ride on one of the donkeys, and I'll pay for one for you if you like to accompany me." Small Boy: "Thankee, mum, but I'd rather sit here and-laugh." nile class, "what is the term 'etc.' uesd for?" "It is used to make people believe that we know a lot more than we really do," replied the bright youngster. Mother: " Marjorie, stop interrupting. Have you forgotten what I told you about being seen and not heard?" Marjorie: " You must fink I's a moving picture, 'stead of 'a little girl." Jackson: " I'ney tell me that your daughter sings with great expression." Grimly: "Greatest expression you ever saw. Even her own mother cannot recognise her face when she is singing." —" Haven't seen Horace at the club lately, Mrs Bossy. Is he ill, or what's the matter?" "Horace," said Mrs Bossy, severely, " stays at home now, and enjoys life in his own way as I want him to." as she pretends?" " All", the testimony I have on the subject is, I heard her the other day tell her husband to send the ehuffer to the garridgo for the otter mobill." Mother: "There, now, don't whip Johnny. You know the Bible says, ' Let not the sun descend upon your wrath.'" Father: "That's all right; but it doesn't eay not to let your wrath descend upon the son."

■ —"This is the last time I shall bring this bill!" said the enraged collector. "Thanks!" replied the impecunious debtor. " Yon are so much more considerate than the other fellow. He said he was going to come again.*" "Are you a Socialist?" "Yes.". "And what are the opinions of a Socialist?" " Same as those of a Republican or a Democrat. He thinks he could run the Government a great deal better, if he could only get hold of it." Wife (to husband): "There were two hats that I liked—one for 13s and the other for 18s." Husband: "Which one did you finally decide upon?" Wife: "The 18s one. I'm a little superstitious about the number thirteen."

Mrs Jinks: "My husband was a confirmed smoker when I married him, but to-day ho never smokes." Mrs Bmks: " Good! To break off a lifetime habit like that requires a strong will." Mrs Jinks: "Well that's what I've got!" —" You need exercise. You ought to walk to work." "It can't be done from our suburb. You may snow-plough your way to work. You may _ slide or you may come pretty near swimming 'to work. But you never actually walk."

thing by statistics." "I won't say exactly that I prove things, but the average man dislikes arithmetic, and if you throw enough figures at him he soon 'throws up his hands and quits arguing." Sandy (on departure of peace crank, who has been holding forth): " Man, he's a queer card that. Think'ye he's a' there. Donald?" Donald: " Dod, _ Sandy, if what's no there is like what is there, it's just as weel he's no a' there." work on ifchpt bass fiddle of his, and he novor took a lesson." Gill: "No, but ne used to put in a lo't of time sawing wood, nnd I suppose that is how he got such proficiency in his action." —" I'm glad ' Billy had the sense to marry an old maid," said grandma at the wedding. " Why, grandma?" asked 'the •on. "Well, gals is hity-tity, and widders i»i kinder overrulin' and upsettin'. But old maids is thnnkful and willin' to please." Ay wuz zweercy and eel ut csee " No; this docs not happen to be Esperanto. It is, according to a musical critic, how many amateur singers "render" the first two lines 'f " The Lost Chord." "My friend, there is really no excuse for your no't looking neat and clean." "Sorry, mister," explained Plodding Peter. " but I'm conserving my bit along wit de vest o' de folks. You jes' happened to hit me on my soaplees day." Mrs Kawler: "Then you and young Mr Sharp are not on speaking terms anv more?" Mrs Blundorby: " No, indeed. The last time I met him I told him my husband had locomotive a'ttacksia, and the young whippersnapple had the impudence to ask if he whistled it at crossings." A little fellow of five years fell and |]H>t his upper lip so badly that a doctor i ftd to be summoned to sew up the wound. ;i her distress tho- mother could, not regain from saying: "Oh, doctor, I fear ft will leave a disfiguring scar." Tommy iooked up into her 'tearful facc» and said: " NeA'er mind, mamma, my moustache will cover it."

A weaver was going to got married. He went to the clergyman and said: "Ah'vo conmod tolling yo' as Aw'mo getting wed." The clergyman smiled, and remarked: " You moan • you've come to give notice for the banns." "Nay, that I haven't," said the budding Benedict. "We're noan havin' any bands; we're only havfn' a concertina after tea."