FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3348, 15 May 1918, Page 47

FUN AND FANCY.

—"I say, old man, I don't owo you a fiver, do 1?" "No." "Well, to be quite irank, 1 should just love to." —"'S getting awiul, mother I" complained a small uoy the other day. "Penny tops is gono up to twopence 1" Sne: '"1 can sec you've made up your mind to stay in." He: "And it's piam you ve made up your face to go out.' She: "\ou ougnt to be asnained of stealing a kiss." he: '" You are equally guii'tv. You received the stolen goods. "x'ho necessaries of life are a lot higher than they were a few years ago. And just think how many more there are of them. "Where was your old man wounded? "In the abdomen." "Where's that? " Don't, know —somewhere in Jfrance, I suppose." Mrs Wiggs: " Why didn t you stop, sir, ■when you eaw me wave my hand?" 'lram Conductor: "I thought you were throwing kissus, mum." . —An Italian barber has written a threeact playl Wo suggest the first criticism: "Mo one should know better how to give it tho cuts it badly needs." Officer: "Now, supposing tho patrol bent out didn't return at the proper time — what would you do?" Corporal (after deep cogitation): "Bell their kit, sir I" A case containing 1,000,000 needles was on board one of the vessels recently sunk. We hope the mermaids will see the pomt and make themselves some clothes. —"Are all your family observing the meatless day now?" " Yee, all except dear httlo Towzer. We can't make him realise that he mustn't bite strangers on Tuesdays." ~ "What dirty hands you have, Johnny,' said his teacher. "What would you say if I camo to school that way?" "I wouldn't say nothin'," replied Johnny. " I'd be too polite." Mistress: "What is your name? Cook: "Mrs Pratt, ma'am." Mistress: " Do you expect to be called Mrs Pratt?" Cook: "Oh, no, ma'am; not if you have an alarm ciock." Miss Yeller: "It's an outrage! I was singing just now when this slipper flew in through the window." Economical Mother: " Sing another verse, dear, and perhaps you'll get the other one." A writer on the new education proposals says that every school should have an X-ray installation. How much unproductive teaching might have been saved if schools had always had this 1 —" Just ono month ago Edith and 1 agreed that we would point out each other's faults without reserve." "And you are still doing so?" "Oh, no; we haven't spoken to each other for twenty-nine days." Club Bore: "" Say, old fellow, I want something up-to-date in the way of fancy dress for tho vegetarians' ball to-morrow night." Acquaintance: "Well, stick a turnip on your head and go as a meatless "Charley's Aunt,' it seems, has been officially banned at Solingen, Prussia, on the ground that the "piece is likely to corrupt the morals of young people. But have young Prussians any morals to corrupt? Connie, the little daughter of a clergyman, was asked if her papa ever preached the sarao sermon twice. After considering a moment, she answered: " Yes, I think he does; but I think he hollers in different places." —An American surgeon has suggested that "Sammy" recruits should have moulds of their jaws taken for the purpose of subsequent identification. But how allow for the changes in those who become drill instructors?

Giles (filling in ration form for himself and wife): " Question fower, ' Sex.' Wot do Oi put there, missus?" His Wife: "I dunno wot yer conscience'll allow you to put; but ye can put me down a Primitive Methody." —"I hear that Jones sends everything he shoots to the hospital instead of to the game-dealer." "How very good of him! Does he send much?" "No, not very much. Last week ho sent three gamekeepers, that's all." The man who had buried four wives lay dying. "Ah 1 Life is so beautiful!" ho wailed. "I dread the thought of death!" "Oh, cheer up!" murmured the kindly comforter. " Perhaps we sha'n't recogniso each other in the hereafter."

observed the impudent flapper at the "At home," "is that they are optimistic." " Yes; we are. But how did you guess it?" smiled the hostess. "I've noticed," eaid the flapper, "everyone says, 'Pass the cream, please.' " —ln church little Donald had observed that his mother put a penny in the collection plate. On the way home mother criticised the sermon in no measured terms. "About the worst I've ever heard," she declared. "Well, said little Donald, "what more can you expect for a penny?" "This style," eaid the polite haberdasher, lifting a gaudy tie from the counter, "is very popular this season. It is called the ' Slacker's_ Delight.' " " What an odd name!" wo cried. "Why do you call it that?" "Well, you see,' he explained, " it is yellow, and it runs." A lady clerk had completed her first week, and a"friend asked her how she liked the work. "Oh, it's beautiful!" said the girl. "I'm at a branch whore noayjy all the people we know have accounts, and it's so nice to see how little money some of your friends have in the bank." "Of course, it's good that women have the vote," said the cynic. " For one thing, their minds are muoh purer than men's." " I quite agree with you," replied his fair companion; "but I wonder how you becamo convinced that women's minds are purer?" "Why, because they change them bo much more often." The military censor at the base was very weary of the letters of soldiers who meandered on for ever on badly-written fiheets of dirty paper; eo when he came upon the following epistle he was very pleasantly surprised:—"Dear Mother. —I'm all right. You're all right. That's all right.—Love from Toir." —"I suppose you've had some hairbreadth escapes during your seafaring career?" asked the passenger. "Yes, indeed," answered the mate; "I was very nearly drpwned once." " Wore you. really!" said the passengor. " How did it happen ?" " I went to sleep in the bath, mum, and forgot to turn off the water." —An American negro, who was eo singularly lazy as to be quite a problem, jjot converted in a revival. His associates in the church were extremelv anxious to know whether ho would now bestir himself and go to work. The negro attended a meeting and "offered a prayer, in which occurred the petition, " Use me. Lord, use me—in an advisory capacity."