FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3247, 7 June 1916, Page 65

FUN AND FANCY.

Hei "Do you know much about golf?" She : " Absolutely nothing. I wouldn t even know how to hold my caddie properly. Romantic Reader: "Did your last novel and hanpily V ' Author: Yes; the pubSers p P aif me £SOO the day I fini&ed '*'- Late-comer at Lecture (to occupant of aisle seat): "Is the seat next you reserved?' Occupant: "Evidently. It hasn t made a sound since I came m. at home," remarked the hotel manager. "Don't you try it," expostulated the visitor "I vrtmt to have a good time 1 '• Dofl"t you hate to see a Into the room with a. dirty face? Tesl I believe in the old adage i f Children should bo clean, not smeared. "Why so abstracted this morning, dear''" "I have a new gown in my mind. " Well, please don't get it on your back until after the first of the month —Mr Mudd: "Now, where the deuce is that carburettor?" Mrs Mudd: "Why, John, I heard you swearing at it. so 1 threw the horrid thing in the ditch. —lrate Individual (hit by golf ball): "Hey, this will cost you five pounds! Golfer: "Didn't you hear me call if ore ( Irate Individual: "Four will be sufficient Brown cut the lobe of his ear while shaving, and his wife hastened to his assistance "Did you cut your ear? she inquired " No. of course not, he snapped. "I bit it," .., .. .. man's arms around you." "Oh, yes, mum! Wasn't it nice of him ? He was showm mo how to hold a burglar if I found one in the house." , , ~, She was doing her best to make lull use of her leap year prerogative. "I ( am a poor girl, as you know," she said, but I'm afraid it won't go with the grocer and the butcher." . , Mother: "Johnny, stop usansr such dreadful language 1" Johnny: Well, mother, Shakespeare uses it. Mother: " Then don't play with him; he s not a fit companion for you." —Mr Gabble: "How many little brothers have you, Willie?" Willie: "One; but my sister'Mary has two." Mr Gabble: Why, how do you make that out?' Willie: "Me and my brother." "That man never lost his head yet in a football match, did he?" "No, I thmk not. He's lost a finger, an ear, part ot his nose, and eight teeth, but I don t remember hearing of him losing his head. Jinks put all his property in his wile i> name to keep his creditors from getting it." " That was a mean trick. Not only that, but it didn't do him any good. His wife eloped with one of the creditors ! _ First: Yes, I 'cared you was in th hospital. Was you very bad?" Second: "Bad? I should think I was bad! Why. a pal o' mine brings me in R Settle c beer an' I couldn't so much as look at

Her eyes were not exactly straight, and Bomeone commented upon it, and asked Long if he' had noticed it. " Noticed it, man !" he replied. " Why, she is so crosseyed that recently -when I sat next to her at a dinner she ate off my plate." morrow I've left my purse at home. " I'm sorry, old .-.-hap, but I haven t the cash to spare. Hovover, I can tell you where to get it." "How?" "Here's sixpence; nip home for your purse!'" The other day an old gentleman asked a small boy if he would direct him to the bank. "I will for a shilling." "But that s rather high pay, isn't it?" asked the gentleman. " Not at all, ' replied the youngster. "Bank directors always get high pay. Customer: "What's become of that fine large tortoiseshell cat you used to have, waiter?" Waiter: "We've lost him, sir. Poor old chap, he died last week very suddenly." Customer: "You can bring me a steak, waiter, instead of jugged hare!' —" Oh. you needn't talk," said the indignant wife; "what would you be to-day if it weren't for my money. I'd like to know?" "I really don't know, my dear," calmly replied the heartless wretch; "but I'm inclined to think I should be a bachelor." A boy who arrived late at school on a very frosty morning excused himself to the' master by saying it was so slippery that every step he took he slipped back two. "Then how did you get here?" asked the teacher. "By starting back home again, replied the boy. Nellie, aged four, was gazing intently at the visitor's new bonnet. "Well, dear," asked the lady at last, " what do you think of it?" "Oh," replied the small observer, " I think it's all right. _ Aunt Mary told mama it was a perfect fright, but it doesn't frighten me any."

Magistrate: "You are found guilty of knocking down the plaintiff and robbing him of everything except a gold watch. What hare you to say?" Prisoner: "Had he a gold watch?" Magistrate: "Certainly." Prisoner: "Then I will put in a plea of insanity." Farmer: " Yes, I want a man. Are you* a good; jumper:" Applicant: "Well, yes." " You could jump a barbed wire fence without much trouble, I fi'pose? ' "Urn-1 u'pose so." "Well, that's all right, then; you'll do. You see, some of our bulls is a leetle wild." Bulger: "What became of that young noodle who used to knock about a lot with Miss Hookem?" Jopson: "Do you mean that ass who spent all his money on her?" Bulger: "Yce. What became of him?" Jopson: " Oh, ho met with the fate of all ' mugs ' —he got ' broke.' "

Elder (to Beadle) : " Well, John, how did you like the strange minister?" Beadle: " No, ava, elder—he's an awfu' frichtened kin' o' chap yon. Did ye notice how he nve talked aboot 'oor adversary _ Satan _' ? Oor own meenister just ca's him plain 'deevil'—he doesna care a dom for him." Tho teacher had set the boys this subject for competition: " What I would do if I suddenly came into possession of £IO,OOO. Ono little fellow', after chewing his penhold ar for some time, returned a blank sheet. "That," rt plied ths precocious youth, "is what I'd 1 do if I had £10.000." A doctor who was called in to sec a sick Irishman at once advised Pat to go to bedl, and was surprised -when his patient 6tronprlv objected. ''Faith, an' I'll not go!' said Pat. "But why not?" asked tho doctor. " Because, doctor, deaf, it's a terrible, place, and ao unhealthy. Look at the hundreds that have died ther»>!"

Farmer Stookridov (rumlnatlngly): "I kinda b'liovo I'll )fsy ono o' them safety razors that I see adWfclsed go much," Mrs Staokrider (peevishly): " Yes, that'fl just exactly like you-, Jason t You ain't got no more consideration for a toiHn' woman than £ mill-fltona How do you ufposo I can tip up Beams with a fiafety razor?"

Harry and Charlie, aged five and three respectively, have Just been seated at the nursery table for dinner. Harry notices there » but one orange on the table, and immediately sets up a wail that brings his mother to the scene. " Why. Harry, what are you orying for?" she asks. " Because there "in't any orange for Charlie." The curate was endeavouring to teach the significance of white to a Sunday school class. "Why," said he, "does a bride invariably desire to be clothed in white at her marriage?" As no ono answered, he explained "White," ho said, "stands fox joy, and tho wedding day is the most joyous occasion of a woman's life." Then a small boy queried: "Why do the men all wear black?" ( The following U an excerpt from tne letter of an officer at the front, ( giving an example of Tommys hi.mour:—"The otfiei day I saw two men swinging a blanket vigorously, presumably to dislodge sonie unwelcome bedfellows, and I heard the following conversation :—First Tommy: ' Bui this'll no' kill them, Jock.' Second Tommy. 'Well, if it dis'na kill them, ; t'll at least mak' the beggars uisrzj !" Fanner Clovcrseed had come up to London for a few days. Before he started he had promised to bring his daughter a present, so he went into a jeweller's shop and said to the assistant: "I want a pair of earrings, cheap, but purty. They be fur a present." "Yes, sir." said the jeweller. You want something a trifle loud, I suppose?" "Well, .1 don't mind if one of them is a little loud," replied the farmer. "My girl is deaf in one ear." One afternoon on elderly lady, who was not accustomed to travelling, boarded the tube, and when her destination was eventually announced she nervously called to tho conductor. " What can I do for you, madam?" asked the conductor, stepping to her side. " Oh, I want to alight," she explained, "and I don't know exactly which door to go out |" " You may go out by either door, madam," gently instructed the conductor. The car stops at both ends."