FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3201, 21 July 1915, Page 67

FUN AND FANCY.

Silence is golden, but it is hard to convince a man who is bent on talking that he is wasting his time. "Tell me, do women dress for the men or for each other?” " bor both for the men to admire, and for each other to envy. White: “So your son has become an author. Docs he write for money.' Brown: “Yes, about three times a week. this morning, love?” “Of course 1 did, my dear.” “Oh, dear! Why couldn’t you have forgotten it, as you usually do? I forgot to add a postscript to it.” The man wiio keeps his small cnange shut up in a purse always seems to hate taking any out. On the other hand, there is the fellow who regards a pound saved as a good time lost. Mr Wiggins (looking up from the newspaper)—“lt says that a cyclone out in America has swept away an entire town in one minute.” Mrs Wiggins (gloomily) : “ And it takes Mary Ann half an hour to sweep our front steps.” is to be one policeman for every five hundred and twenty-cue inhabitants,” said t>»e lady of the house. “Don’t know and don’t care about other people,” was the maid s reply, “ ’cos Tvo got nine already.” Customer: “You’ve got a nerve to charge half a for filling this proscription, I’ll bet you the ingredients didn’t cost you a sixpence.” Druggist: “ Very true; but just think of all the time I had to spend deciphering the doctor’s handwriting-” ‘ . , . observed the bride of a few months. “ You are not growing pessimistic already?” smiled her friend. “Well, they are selfish. Yesterday, Harry had the cook broil for him the nice lamb chops I had ordered for my (log.” “No,” said the gentleman in the brown wig. “I ain’t much of a bass s nger, but you ought to hear my brother.” “ Has he a big voice?” asked the gentleman with the whiskers. “Big?” His voice is so heavy a bass that it makes him bow-legged to carry it.” Candid Hostess (on seeing her nephew’s fiancee for the first time): “I never should have known you from your photograph. Reggio told me you_ were so pretty.” Reggie’s fiancee: “No, I’m not pretty, so I have to try to bo nice, and it’s such a bore. Have you ever tried?” Friend: “They arc really the most devoted lovers that ever I saw.” Mrs Young Wife: “What a shame it seems that they are going to got married and spoil it all.” Mike: “ Yez talk a lot, Casey; but ■would yes die for your counthry?” Pat: “ Faith, Oi would, even though it most me my loife.” A month-old Jersey calf was nibbling in the yard of a certain country friend of mine when the “summer boarder” arrived —a young college maiden from a Boston suburb. She eyed it doubtfully. “Tel! me,” she said, turning impulsively to her hostess; “does it really pay to keep as small a- cow as that!” “What’s the show?” asked the man with a large hat and long hair. “Hamict,” said the box-offico man. “What’s it like?” “ Weil, a man murders.his stepfather out of revenge for the murder of h’s own father. At the finish there is a mix-up with swords and poison, and ” “ That'll do. I think I’ll stroll out and see a cabaret. I’m tired of these crook plays.” Master (after a laborious explanation): “ Now you all clearly understand, don’t you! Come out here, Jones, and toll me what an average is.” Jones (who hasn’t been listening): “Ah average is what clucks lays eggs on, sir!” Master; “What on earth d’you mean, you idiot?” Jones: “ Well, sir, I heard mother tell Mrs Briggs that her ducks laid fifteen eggs a week on an average.” An Irishman, working at some ironworks in the North of Ireland, met a mate of his as he hurried to the works one morning, who. accosted him thus: “ Say, Pat, would you believe it? When 1 got homo last mght there they were—twins. I was simply paralysed. We've named one of them Ann Eliza, but we’re up a tree f.or a name for the other.” “Ye’d better call her Paralyser,” suggested Paddy. The young* organist of the village church had joined the local corps to fight for King and country. The whole place turned out to see the boys go off to the front, amongst them the organist’s mother, a dear old soul, who was weeping bitterly. Bravely .the old lady dried her tears, and as the train steamed out of the station she called to her son: “Look after yourself, my boy. and be sure you keep your practice up.” - A soldier in barracks asked for oxemp tion from church parade on the ground that he was an agnostic. The sergeantmajor assumed an expression of innocent interest. “ Don’t you believe in the Ten Commandments?” he asked mildly. “Not one, sir!” was the reply. “What! Not the rule about keeping the Sabbath?” “No, sir.” “Ah, well, you’re the very man I’ve been looking for to scrub out the canteen !” s teacher, “ don’t love your cat too much. What would you do if it died—you wouldn’t sec it again?” “Oh. yes, teacher; I should see it in heaven.” “ No, dear, you’re mistaken ; annuals cannot so to heaven like people.” Daisy’s eyes filled with tears, but suddenly she exclaimed triumphantly. “ Animals do go to heaven, for the Bible says the Promised Land is flowing with milk and honey, and, if there are no animals, where do thev arot the milk?” Tommy bad the wtr fever badly, and when his mother took him to town to buy him a few toys soldiers naturally wore foremost in bis mind. They went into a shop -where numerous boxes of soldiers were displayed for his inspection. He chose one box after the shopkeeper had convinced him that they were British soldiers; but. still he was not satisfied. Ho wanted a box of Germans as well. After a lot of parleving and finding it was impossible to get German soldiers, ho said r “Oh. well, give mo another box of British and I’ll just hove to manage with a rebellion.” Tho train was crowded and the soldier could not find a place. IP rushed up to a carriage where an old gentleman was looking out. and was about to open tho door when the gentleman said, firm!/: “You can’t get in hero, my man; this carriage is full.” “Oh,” said the soldier, “that does not matter; I must get in. Everv carriage is full, and whero can I go?” “Go.” said the other, amidst tho laughter of the passengers, “where every British soldier should be proud to go—in the van.”

The artist was painting—sunset, rod, with blue streaks and green dots. The old rustic, at a respectful distance, was watching. “Ah,” said the artist, “looking up suddenly, “perhaps to you, too, Nature has opened her sky-pictures page by page? Have you seen the lambent flame of dawn leaping across the livid east; - the redstained, sulphurous islets floating in the lake of fire in the west; the ragged clouds at midnight, black as raven’s wing, blotting out the shuddering moon?” “No,” replied the rustic, shortly ; “ not since I signed the pledge.” She never looked lovelier than tonight in her Argentine basque with soapwork insertions, yet, as he took his hat, he laughed harshly. “All is over between us!” he gritted thrSugh his new set of teeth. “ I’ve told yon time after time that any girl who powders her face forfeits her engagement, and now I will prove it! Have I been engaged to a girl or a clown?” “ Winklewcod,” she moaned, “give mo one more chance. It shall never happen again!” “ Yon have, had your warning,” he replied, still gritt'ng, and slamming the door. “I will go to a barber and try to forget,” he muttered, and was soon ensconsod in Angelo Vespuei’s tonsorial operating chair. “ Shave me, then massage with coacoanut oil. then bay rum. a couple of hot towels, a little cream of lily, and a crude oil hair treatment,” ho ordered. An hour later, somewhat lighter in spirit, he walked horn"-, se'nting the air for fifty yards in every direction, and still reflecting on the fearful fashions of foolish females.