FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3168, 2 December 1914, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

When a man begins to brag about himself he starts advertising his greatest weakness. , ... ‘ ‘And* my dear, "vvliat mountains m domestic life givo you the most trouble? “The kitchen range.” . Old Mrs Chatiie: “Johnnie, how many times have I told you to that noise? Johnnie (reflectively): “Seven. —“Do you know why a giraffe has such a long- neck, my son?” “Yes, dad; because nis bead is such a long way from his b °l y Young Wife i “That pudding I have made for you is a poem. Hubby: And X suppose I’m to be the waste-paper-basket.” r , Old Mr Jolybcv (as a Chinese Mandarin): “May I have the pleasure of a dance? Haughty Spanish Beauty: “Thanks, but 1m not collecting old china."’ Mother (reprovingly); When I was young, girls never thought of doing things they do to-day.” Daughter: “Well, that's why they didn't do them.” Which” would you advise me to sow here —turnip seed or winter spinach ? “Candour compels me to tell you that my chickens prefer turnip seed.” Betty Van Rocks; “Did you have a satisfactory interview with paua? J ack " Brokeleigh: “Not very; he said all no would give was his consent.” Teacher: “Tommy, why do you sped bank with such a large ‘B’?” Tommy; “■ ’Cause pa said that a bank was no good unless it had a large capital.” “Are you advancing in her affections? “Oh, yes! Last night she said I was nothing to her whatever; the night before sue said = I was less than nothing.” Ragged Rodgers: “De lady in de next house give me a piece of home-made cake. Won’t you give me somethin’, too i Mrs Spiteful: “Certainly. I’ll give you a pepsin tablet.” “Do you think that we snould have a more clastic currency?” asked the oul fogey. “It's clastic enough, ’ replied tho grumbler. “Why don’t they make it more adhesive?” . . ~ “You arc getting very bald sir, said the barber. “You yourself,” retorted the customer, ‘‘are not tree from a number or defects that I could mention if 1 cared to become personal.” . “J wish I had taken my Another's advice when she begged me not to marry you.” “Did your mother try to keep you from marrying me?” “Yes.” “Oh, how I have wronged that woman!” Crawford: “Did ycur wife have a pood time in the country?” Crawshaw; No, the only thing that reconciled her was the thought that she stayed away two weeks longer than the woman next door.” Do you believe,” she asked, that genius can possibly be a good husband ? “Well,” he modestly replied, “I would prefer not to answer that question. But my wife ought to bo able to tell you. The doctor, calling on a patient, was met at the door by the patient s brothei. “Well, how is the patient this morning-? Temperature any higher?” “Sure, I don t know, sir. You sec, he died last night! Mrs Brown; “I was ashamed of you, John, to see you dust the chair you sat on at Mrs Hcnshaw’s. I saw her little boy watching you.” John: “I saw him, too. I’m too"old a fish to be caught on a bent pin.” ’ , ~ ~ Spender, “that 1 got my money by hard work.” Why, I thought it -was left to you bv your rich uncle?” “So it was, but I had hard work to get it away from the lawyers.” “There is one place,” remarked the thoughtful thinker, “where the milk of human kindness should always be found.” “Where is that?” queried the dense party. “Within the pale of the church,” he answered. “And do you really love me, George?’ she asked. “Love you !” repeated George, fervently. “Why, while I was bidding you good-bye in the hall last night, dear, the dog bit my leg, and I never noticed it until I got home.” “Pa, is retribution the worst thing a man can have?” “No, it isn’t half as bad as the feeling a man is likely to have after he has confessed and then become convinced that he would not have been found out if he had kept quiet.” How It Would Work Out.—Sergeant. “Never approach the horses from behind without speaking, lad. If you do, they’ll kick that bloomin' head of vours, and the end of it’ll be that wo shall have nothing but lame horses in the battery.” Magistrate: “Then when your -wife seized the -weapon you ran from the house?” Plaintiff: “Yes, sir.” Magistrate: “But she might not have used it.” Plaintiff: “True, your worship. Maybe she picked up the flatiron just to smooth things over.” Jack: “I’ll never smoko in the presence of a lady again.” Tom: “Why not, if she doesn’t object?” Jack : “I was onco smoking while with a lady and began blowing rings. She slipped her finger through one and considered herself engaged ” One night, when her grandmother was putting her to bed, three-year-old Olivo said, “Grandma, every night when I go to bed I ask the Lord to make brother Fred a good boy.” “That is right,” said her grandmother. “But he hasn’t done it yet,” replied Olive, soberly. old man. Do you want to sell him?” Bill; “I’ll take three pounds for him!” Bob: “Is he intelligent?” Bill: “Intelligent 1 Why, do you know, that dog knows about as much as I do?” Bob: “Oh, does he? ?dhen I’ll give you fom-pencc for him.” Miss Vane; “I know bo was talking to you about me. Now, wasn’t he?” Miss Snoitv,: “Well, yes.” Miss Vane: “I thought I heard him remark that. I had a thick head of hair.” Miss Speitz: “Partly correct. He didn’t mention your hair, however.” “Now you’ve achieved something!” he exclaimed enthusiastically. “These are exactly like the cakes mother used to make. How did you do it?” “I’ll give vou tho recipe,” replied the wife coldly. “I used margarine instead of butter, eggs a week old, I put alum in tho flour, and added plenty of water to the milk.” Dr Blomfield, a former Bishop of London, was a widower with children. He married a widow with children, and ho had a family by his second wife. One d'ay this lady rushed into the library and said, in an excited tone: “Do come to the nursery; your children and my children are endeavouring to kill our childken.” Complainant: “Your Worship, she struck mo in the face with her clenched fist. That cut. was caused by her ring.” Magistrate: “Whore did she get tho ring?” “Complainant: “I gave it to her. It was

our engagement ring.” Magistrate: “The prisoner is discharged. That is clearly a case of contributory negligence.” The Curate (engaged on a theological discussion with his landlady): “And 'what do you think of the character of St. Paul? The Landlady; “Ah. he was a good soul. Do you remember how he once said wo should eat what is set before us and ask no questions for conscience’ sake ? I’ve often thought how I would have liked ’im for a lodger.” ' .. A well-known bishop who has a Wife of pronounced temperament one day caught a small boy stealing grapes from his vine. He reproved the offender sternly, and concluded : “Do you know, my boy, why I tell you this? There is One before Whom even I am a crawling worm. Do you know Who it is?” “Sure,’ said the boy unhesitatingly, “the missus.” A gentleman, while taking a morning walk down a country lane, met a boy dnving some pigs to market. “Who do these fine pigs belong to?” asked the gentleman. “Wool,” said l the lad, ‘they belong to that theer big sow.” “No, my_ boy,” said the gentleman; “I mean, who is the master of them ?” “Weel,” replied the lad, that theer little Tin ’e’s a beggar fer feighting. —An old Scotch farmer, who had been henpecked all his life, was about to die. His wife felt it her duty to offer him such consolation as she might, and said : bandy, you are about to go, but I will follow you. “I suppose so, Jean,” said the old man weakly." “But so far as I am concerned you needna be in ony extraordinar’ hurry aboot if.” , , „ ~ —“I want to pc excused, sa d tno worried-looking juryman, addressing the judge. “I owe a man fivo_ pounds that I borrowed, and as he is leaving England today for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the boat and pay him the five pounds.” “You are excused,” returned his lordship, in icy tones. “I don’t want anybody on the jury who can lie like that. Servant Boy (to farmer’s wife, noted for her thriftinoss): “Well, ma’am, my eyesight mujst be getting bad. 1 can’t see tho butter on the bread this morning. Next morning the farmer’s wife put the butter a little thicker on the bread, and remarked: “Weil, Tom, I hope your eyes are better this morning.” “Begad, ma’am,” replied Tom. “they’re grand this morning. I can sec the broad through the butter.” ; the trouble?” “Ho docsn t show me propc deference. When I am paying a man liberally, I consider it his duty to faugh at my jokes.” “And he won’t?” _ “I don t think he can. He’s an English butler. When, in a spirit of gentle and condescending badinage, I said to him : ‘Hawkins, can you tell me which came first, the chicken or the egg?’ he said: ‘Which did you order first, sir?’”