EDITOR’S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 3112, 5 November 1913, Page 72

EDITOR’S WALLET.

Valuable Training’. Ho had just asked for the honour of becoming her second husband, and was waiting- her reply. She looked at him in what, poor fool, he Took to be a favourable manner, so he at once broke into speech. “I think I can make you happy,” he said. “ I am well off, and have sole control of a flourishing business. lam certain we should got on famously together. I ” “Have you ever ■ been in the army?” interrupted the widow-. “Why no! I have devoted my life to governing and increasing my business.” “Nor the Territorials?” “No,, of course not! That doesn’t matter, docs it?” “ Yes, I am sorry to say it does. I have quite decided that if ever I marry again my husband must-have had a military training.” “But why?” “So that he will understand how to do what he is told without any back talk; that’s why I”” Trout After All. Mr ’Enry ’Arris, of the Poplar Piscatorials, Was taking a fishing holiday on one of the rivers of Scotland famous for its trout. With Mr ’Arris ignorance was bliss, and on his first day, to bis huge delight, he kept on lugging out with great celerity scores of beautiful silver fish, though none of great size. Enter to him eventually one of the incorruptible water bailiffs. Dae ye no ken a sniout when ye see yin?” “ Not me !” replied Mr ’Arris, cheerfully. “ Wouldn’t know one from a bloomin’ ’addick !’ “ Losh, man, tliae ftisli is a smout, an it’s agin the law. Aw’ll jist tak’ yer name an’ whaur ye’re hidin’.” “ You jest go an tyke a runnin’ jump at yerself. Thems trout. ’Avo a gargle?” The bailiff gargled. “ Ay! ay! The whusky’s nn sae bad, but them’s smouts a’ the same.” “ ’Ow, skittles! Them’s • trout, I’m a tellin yer. ’Ave another?" Agreed nem'con. “ Weel, ye ken, nco that A’ come to look mair closely at thae fush, they micht be trot efter a’, but A’m no sae sure aboot it.” “ Well, bloomin’ well myke certain, then. ’Ave another drink?” Tiie bailiff w-as tempted and foil —several times —with alacrity. " Wed—hie !—weel.” remarked the incorruptible eventually, “it’s maist —hie I—r-r----remarkable, hooivor. A’ cam’ tae mistak’ thae fush for smouts.” If Vou are Not Seen. At the dinner table father had just corrected his 10-year-old daughter for eating with her fingers and then wiping them on the front'of her dress, which by this time was very soiled. Then ho pointed to her little sister, Irene, and said: “ Book at your little sister. She doesn’t get her'dress soiled as you do when she oats.” “No,” said Irene, “my dress is nice an’ clean in front. I wipe my fingers ’way down at the bottom of the dress.” Topuoody’s ISesolvr.’' Topnoody made up his mind that he was not going to bo henpecked any longer, so when ho went homo to dinner he called out imperiously : " Mrs Topnoody!” Airs T. came out of the scullery with a dish-rag tied round her head and a rollingpin in her hand.

“Well, sir,” she asked, “what’s your good will?” “ M;b Topnoody, I want you to understand, madam ” —and he tapped his chest dramatically—“that I am the engineer of this establishment.” “ Oh, you are, are you? Well, Toppy, I want you to understand that I am' >tho boiler -that will blow up and sling the engineer over into the next county. Do you hear the steam escaping, Toppy?” _ Toppy did hear it, and meekly inquired if there was any assistance he could render in the house.

After the Put u st. “Fetch the body,” ordered the foreman of a Texas coroner’s jury. The body was laid before him. The jury made a careful examination and' questioned the attending surgeon. “ Where was he shot?” "Square through the heart?” “ Dead in the centre o 1 the heart.” “ Right in the centre.” “ Who shot him?” “ Arizona Joe.” A dozen witnesses declared that Joe fired the shot, and Arizona Joe himself admitted it. The jury consulted softly for some time. “Well, gentlemen of the jury,” said the coroner, “ what’s your verdict?” Waal, judge,” answered the foreman, " we’ve come to the conclusion that Arizona Joe is the dandicst shot yi these parts—and don’t you forget it.” Also ‘ Too Thill.” In a certain Yorkshire factory any man who has been absent without leave is supplied with' an “excuse sheet,” on which he has to state his reasons for neglecting his work. Durum the prevalence of foggy weather one individual stated that he had been absent the previous day because “the vtrathor was too thick,” and he couldn’t see his way to the works. T-ho explanation was doomed satisfactory on that ’occasion, but when, within the week, the delinquent tried the same excuse, he had an unpleasant surprise. His “excuse sheet” was returned to him. The manager had added a little to it, with the result that it now read: *" Excuses Too thick. Couldn’t see.— James X - “Ditto; Too thin. Come and see.— John D , manager.” (What Did He Mean? The detective was trying to get a few pointers from the man who had employed him to hunt for a runaway boy. * “Has ho any distinguishing marks about him,” he asked. “Yes,” said the father, frowning impatiently. “The distinguishing mark about him, sir, is that he looks like me.” " M’m !” mused the detective, “ I should hardly cull that a distinction. That’s a '' handicap.” i\of His Cue. The two Ladies had been to the opera at a local ;> theatre, and, going home in the tram, they discussed the evening’s amusement, ” I think ‘Lohengrin’ is just splendid!” murmured the lady in the large hat, as she handed the conductor a. penny for her fare. “Do you?' asked her friend in the purple velvet, with a superior smile. “ 1 think it’s not bad; but I just love ‘Carmen.’ ” The conductor blushed all over his plain features. miss,” he murmured apologotically, “ I’m married. You might try the driver, though; he’s a single man.” Tears! A woman was complaining to her dairyman about the quality of his milk. “ Short o’ grass feed, mum,” said the milkman. “ Bless -you, these cows of mine arc just as sorry about it as I am. 1 often stands and watches ’em cryin’. You don’t believe it?” “Oh, yes, I believe it,” said the customer, dryly, “ but I wish in future you’d eco that they don’t drop their tears into our can.”